[MADtv] Monologue: Mary’s Tapeworm (#107)

[newt007]

Mary- herself
Debra- herself
Phil- himself
Orlando- himself
David the tapeworm- David Herman (voice)


(Setting: On the main stage)
Mary: Hi, I’m Mary Scheer.

[Cheering and applause]

Mary: I'd like to dedicate this monologue to a friend who's no longer with me. Not a lot of people know this, but a couple years ago I weighed over 200 pounds, and I was really depressed. Well, he helped me out a lot when we were together, and I just really miss him.

Tapeworm: (A puppet tapeworm jumps on the table) I'm still here, Mary.

Mary: David, is that you? It's David Herman, my tapeworm. Ohh!

[Piano plays]

Tapeworm: (sings)
Well, hello, I’m Mary’s tapeworm
And the things she eats I eat

Mary:
If I uncoil him from head to hook

Tapeworm:
I'm over 16 feet
I reside in her intestine
Where it's cold

Mary:
And cramped

Tapeworm:
And black

Mary:
He passed with an astringent

Tapeworm:
And now I want to be put back!!

Debra: (pops up) Eat him, Mary

Phil: (pops up) Eat him, Mary

Phil Debra and Orlando: Eat him once again!!

Tapeworm: Whee! Here I go! Aah!

(Mary eats tapeworm)

Tapeworm:
Da da da da
Da da da da da da
Da da da da da da
Da da da da

Mary: (swallows Dave) Ahh! Now where do you want to go, Dave?

Tapeworm: (from inside stomach) The doughnut tray.

Mary: The doughnut tray?

Tapeworm: Yeah!

Mary: Ok. Enjoy the show. Whoo! (skips off stage)