[MADtv] Monologue: Nicole Speaks About Ejaculation (#108)

[newt007]

Nicole- herself


(Nicole is standing on main stage)

Nicole: Hi, I’m Nicole Sullivan.

[Applause]

Nicole: Thanks. You know what I’m sick to death of? Is guys who go into sex with this I’m holding-Back attitude as if it's a competition to see how long they can make it last. "It's ok, baby. I can go on forever." Ok, listen. God engineered the male species to release his seed as often and as quickly as possible. And since I am a very spiritual person... When foreplay lasts any longer than the organ solo on the doors' light my fire, I consider it sacrilege. Ok, think about it. The success and dominance of the human race on this planet is based on proliferation. Ok, if cavemen had held back, they would've been ripped to shreds by a saber-toothed tiger before they could reproduce, right? Therefore, there is no such thing as being too fast on the draw. You're just being plain old efficient. All week, I tape my favorite shows. I don't get to watch them till Saturday or Sunday. I mean, the last thing I need is some guy wasting my whole weekend with sex. I mean, for crying out loud, let's get it over and move on E.R. Ok? Believe me, the sincerest form of flattery is when a guy is so excited he can't contain himself. Every 10 seconds, a man in this country commits an expeditious emission. And to me, that is not nearly often enough. Let's all work together on this one. It'll be easier than you think. I'm Nicole. Thanks for listening. Bye-Bye.

[tvmanismadformad]

I love this one (and I think mizzi does too) because it taught me that if I ever wanted to get Nicole, all I have to do is take her to a quickie hot dog stand, take her to see one of those how to make videos because those aren't usually that long, and then finish sex fast so she can watch E.R at the foot of the bed satisfied that I didn't waste her weekend. I'm getting ready for a Western stand off just thinking about it.

[mizzimad]

And of course there's that eensy-weensy, minor detail about getting past her husband, as well as that other miniscule, insignificant detail about your being underage. But hey, if you can accomplish what countless phone calls, e-mails, ignored restraining orders, and "chance encounters" on the L.A. streets failed to do for me, then lotsa luck.

[first major shock of 2009]And yes, mizzi loves this monologue too. Mizzi do, mizzi do.[/first major shock of 2009]

[tvmanismadformad]

Yeah, but mizz you're forgetting something. This is a detailed plan of what Nicole wants sex wise. This should be preserved in the Smithsonian under the "how to get the most perfect girl in the world" section.