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Old 08/21/2005, 3:15 AM
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Default Monologue: Artie on the Circus (#103)

Artie- himself

(On the main stage, Artie stands)

Artie: I went to the circus the other day. God! Have things changed. Check this out. They feed the lion 15 minutes before the guy sticks his head into its mouth. What the hell is that? Who's running the circus these days, Ralph Nader? They're so damn safe now. In my day, there wasn't any money to feed the lion. But it wasn't about money, anyway. It was about insane, ravenous animals chewing on a man's skull faster than Anna Nicole Smith on a pogo stick chasing after a vanload of geriatric billionaires. Now, that was great to watch. Nowadays if the tightrope walker falls, he falls into a net, otherwise he might get hurt. Then the circus can't afford his insurance premiums and have to shut down. In my day, the tightrope walkers used to have to juggle 6 bowling balls and they had their inner ears removed so they'd have no equilibrium. Plus, their shoelaces were tied together. Now that was the good old days. And what's this bear riding a unicycle crap? In my day, the bear would carjack a Mercedes, stuff a hostage into the trunk, and drive around in reverse until he ran out of gas. Then he'd steal a bus and drive it 90 miles an hour through a school zone and he never stopped for cops. Never. I remember when there was only one clown in the car-- Not 30 or 40, just one, but that one had a bottle of champagne and a hooker. Now, that was great to see-- clowns getting venereal disease and tossing some whore out of a tiny car going 40 miles an hour just because he didn't feel like paying her. I had fun 'cause it looked like he was having fun. I remember when they used to shove some guy into a cannon-- No helmet, with dynamite tied to his testicles with dental floss. Then they'd shoot him right into the intensive care unit of a hospital, while a marching band made up of one-legged albino midgets shot poisonous darts at anyone in the stands eating cotton candy. And the guy on stilts had both of them shoved in his keister. Now, that was worth 25 cents. (walks off stage)


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.
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