[MADtv] Swimming Pool (#106)

[MJB12]

SKETCH: OAKFIELD TOWERS (#106)

Employee..........................NICOLE SULLIVAN
Mr. Phillips.........................ORLANDO JONES

EMPLOYEE: So, you're all set, Mr. Phillips. You're in room 306.

PHILLIPS: Thank you. Oh, I understand you have tennis courts here?

EMPLOYEE: Yes, we have 2 courts. We also have a jacuzzi, and what we feel is our greatest feature here at Oakfield Towers - our olympic sized swimming pool.

PHILLIPS: Yes, it looks beautiful. I saw it when I drove in.

EMPLOYEE: Yes, it is. But, we do have a few rules of the pool: no urinating or spitting in the pool.

PHILLIPS: Sounds reasonable.

EMPLOYEE: We here at Oakfield Towers have the strictest standards...no snot blobs.

PHILLIPS: Snot blobs?

EMPLOYEE: No emptying your nose into the pool. No picking scabs and letting them float at the surface, or your pool priveleges will be revoked.

PHILLIPS: Yeah, that's...

EMPLOYEE: No farting into sponges and then throwing them into the water during our Best Swimmer's contest. Do not empty bags of pubic hair into the pool.

PHILLIPS: Now, why would someone have a bag of that?

EMPLOYEE: No leaving skid marks on the slide.

PHILLIPS: Miss, that's just nasty.

EMPLOYEE: No 30-pound pags of trucker's underwear are to be lowered by a rope into the pool.

PHILLIPS: Oh, god.

EMPLOYEE: No using a hollowed out dog filled with headcheese as a floatation device.

PHILLIPS: All this stuff has actually happened to you, hasn't it?

EMPLOYEE: These are just our rules.

PHILLIPS: I don't know if I want to go in a pool with all these damned rules.

EMPLOYEE: You'd rather use a pool that has snot blobs? No taking empty potato chip bags into the pool and then going underwater and filling them with baby puke.

PHILLIPS: That's just wrong.

EMPLOYEE: No 120-pound pigs named Tony wearing a cowboy hat allowed in the pool.

PHILLIPS: What? No pigs?

EMPLOYEE: Not without a bathing suit.

PHILLIPS: Oh, I was gonna say. (pulling bathing-suit-clad pig with him) Come on, Tony.

EMPLOYEE: Oh, and no diving!