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Old 11/27/2003, 11:05 PM
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Default Homeland Improvement (#103)

Dave Herman - Tim
Artie Lange -Al
Nicole Sullivan - Militia Girl
Phil Lamarr - Postman


Militia Girl: Hey Everybody do you know what time it is?

Audience: Its Militia Time

Militia Girl: Thats right and heres your militia time host Tim Mcallen

Tim: Hi, welcome to militia time im your host Tim Mcallen

Tim: Last week we show you how to portify your home against the governor assult we already put up most of the bulletproof siding and completed the spike trench around the perimeter of the yard. Now we are going to concentrate on the great indoors i believe you know my trustee sidekick butterfingers i mean Al. Watch ya doing there Al?

Al: Well Tim i was just converting these standard remington 30 odd 6 hunning singles rifles into full automatic

Tim: Ahhhh just in case you want to do a whole lot of hunting all in one

Al: Yeah Like saying in a fast food restaurant

Tim: You said it

Tim: You what this gun needs? a little more power arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

Al: Now its real easy to convert these guns into full auto. a percision saw and a basket pile will help you get rid of a pail chase and keep the magazines from repeating too fast

Tim: Magazines can never repeat too fast Al maybe when reading penthouse

Al: I think you repeat too fast when you read penthouse

Tim: very funny thats very funny You know you shouldn't be cracking wise will all these guns

Al: uh, Could you be careful with that tim?

Tim: What, what you say i don't know how to handle a gun?

Al: Now im just saying be careful always make sure safety's on

Tim: Safety's on what...

(Gun shots)

Al: Geez Tim be careful

Tim: Dont worry Al these walls are bulletproof remember

Al: We didnt do the whole house Tim remember

Tim: Wilson Wilson you ok?

Wilson: I think so tim except its just that you blew my face off

Tim: I didnt know you had a face Wilson

Al: God Tim hes dead

Tim: He had it coming al he didnt return my fertilizer

Al: Dont worry tim i think you have plenty to spear

Tim: Thats very funny

(Someone knocks)

Tim: Who is it?

Postman: its your postman i have a package for Mr Tim Mcallen

(opens door and postman appears)

Tim: Im Tim Mcallen

Postman: This package was return for insufficient postage

Tim: Oh here Al i believe its yours (throws package)

Al: Not its yours (throws package)

Tim: Not its yours Merry Christmas (throws package)

Al: Not (gets package)

Postman: All you need is 64 cents

Tim: Uh here why dont you wait on a park while i write you a check (Al Gives package to postman)

(closes door and Mail bomb package explodes)

Al: Remember when mailing letter bombs always use enough postage and never ever use your own return address

Tim: hey at least the wall help will be right back after these messages
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