[MADtv] Monologue: Nicole Sullivan - Party of Five (#106)

[MysterE]

Nicole enters stage

Part 1

Nicole: Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan. applause You know, after you spend a few weeks with people, you really get to know who they are. And now that I've done that here on MADtv, well um, it's time to move on. It's not that I don't like the show- it's just that, well, I've dated everyone and there's no one here for me.

I mean, ok- Orlando, ah, big beautiful eyes, nice ass, cheers I don't need the competition. And uh, David Herman- put a club on that toungue, cuz it's gonna get you arrested, okay? Uh, Phil- He's supportive, he's caring, he really loves me shakes head no. Uh, Artie- breakfast would have been nice. And uh, and Bryan- maybe smelling like smoked turkey in France is cool, but no. Okay then there's uh, Mary and Debra. Okay, that's fun for one night, but I'm looking long term. CHEERS

Why couldn't I be on a show with some cute guys, but here it's like oh gee Nicole come be on our show it'll be fun. I mean have you seen what the people who run this show look like- I mean give me somethin' to work with.

(Whining) I don't wanna' be here. I wanna be on ER. Dr. Carter would go out with me. Watch, watch, I can do it, watch, watch- Quick nurse (unintelligible), we need you at OR 2 stat- see I can do it, I can do it.


Executive over the loudspeaker (Phil): Nicole, please...


Nicole: Or, or, or even 60 Minutes- I like older men. Watch, watch, watch, I can do this. Hi, I'm Marty Schaffer, Hi, I'm Ed Bradley, Hi, I'm Nicole Sullivan and this is 60 Minutes- see I can do it.

Executive: Nicole...

Nicole: Or well wait wait- Party of Five. Now there's a show with some cute guys. Watch, watch- Oh, sorry we don't have enough money for rent. See, I can do it, I can do it.

Executive: Okay Nicole, you wanna' be on Party of Five? You've got it.

Nicole: What???

Executive: You've got your wish- goodbye.

Nicole: AHH COOL. Watch out cuz it, it's gonna be a party of six. OH YES, YES.

Nicole exits stage

Part 2

The cast of Party of 5 is at a restaurant. Nicole is playing the waitress

Callgirl: Party of 5 take one.

Director: Ok, let's take it from the top.

Charlie: Man am I hungry.

Goes for a piece of bread from the bread basket in front of him. Nicole walks into the scene.

Waitress: The special today is meatloaf

Hands out the menus.

Nicole: Hi Bailey, Charlie.

Bailey: Uh, hi.

Charlie: Uh, hi.

Nicole: Hey.

Director: Cut! The line ends with meatloaf.

Nicole: Wha-. I was, I was just reacting...

Director: Meatloaf.

Nicole takes back the menus and walks back to do the scene again

Callgirl: Party of 5 take two.

Charlie: Man am I hungry.

Goes for a piece of bread from the bread basket in front of him. Nicole walks into the scene.

Waitress: The special today is meatloaf.

Nicole hands out the menus and walks away. Bailey takes Charlie's menu

Bailey: How can you eat at a time like this?

Nicole tap dances by, as Julia speaks

Julia: Jeez Charlie, when are you going to become more responsible. I mean, Owens’s got an ear ache, and we have, and we have prom... night...

Director: Cut! Get her out of the frame!

Callgirl: Party of 5 take 3.

Nicole runs into the scene.

Nicole: Oh God Bailey I love you! You are so cute, and so hot, and I knew it was never going to work out with you, or Kate, or Jill, or Christine. What you need my friend is an older woman. I could show you some very cool things.

Director: Get her off the set!

Nicole: What, what. I can do it, what! I can, I can do it! Charlie, Charlie you'd go out, out with me right, right? Come on, you don't want to marry Kirsten, she's barren, and I'm feral. I could have your baby! I could have your baby, and it would have a great butt, and...

Someone comes to take her away.

Nicole: Don't touch me, it would have a great body, just like you, and we could do it, do it on camera, and it would be a really good episode! It would be a really great party, but it wouldn't be everyone, just... Stop, stop!

As the man is taking her off the set, she bites him.

Man: Ouch!

Matthew whistles.

Part 3

The whole cast is on stage, except for Nicole.

David: All those in favour, say ie

Cast (Except David): Ie!

David: All those opposed...

Nicole walks in.

Nicole: Hey guys. I just stopped by to show you my work on Party of 5, it was so cool.

Orlando: What part did you play?

Nicole: I played the lead waitress, and um, Scott Wolf was totally checking me out, and when I was working with the other actors, it was like. It was, it was chemistry, wait it was so cool. I'm gonna show you guys.

Nicole puts the tape in a VCR.

Nicole: You guys are going to be so excited. Watch, watch, watch!

Video of the scene begins to play on the screen.

Charlie: Man am I hungry.

Reaches for a piece of bread from the bread basket in front of him. Bailey takes the menu away.

Bailey: How can you think of eating at a time like this?!

Julie: Jeez Charlie, when are you going to become more responsible. I mean, Owens’s got an ear ache, and we have, and we have prom night.

Nicole: Hey. What happened?

Bryan: Ouch.

Nicole: Wait, how do I rewind it? How do I rewind it?

Debra: You're not in it.

Nicole: No, no I was in it. I remember, I went down there in my car.

Mary: Nicole, they cut you out.

Nicole: Oh. Well that's ok, that's ok, because you know I didn't like it there anyway, and you guys are very cute, and um, I choose to be on MADtv. I choose it, because you guys are nice, and because you guys would never treat me like that.

Nicole disappears.

Cast: Goodnight!

[Knickers]

Hahaha.. Nicole is so hilarious!

[Alyssa]

I think where you have unintelligble it should be Hathaway. I think she says Nurse Hathaway. I might have spelled that wrong but that's what it sounds like