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  #1  
Old 03/16/2003, 6:30 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Heart Vancome Lady: ER (#104)

Here's a very early Vancome treasure for your reading pleasure.

Cast:
Vancome Lady: Nicole Sullivan
Pregnant Woman: Mary Scheer
Wife: Debra Wilson
Husband: Phil LaMarr
Dr. Gruber: Dave Herman
Man: Bryan Callen

A pregnant lady bursts through the Sisters of Mercy Hospital's entrance, and stops at the counter.

Pregnant Woman: Please! I need a doctor!

Vancome Lady: Hi, welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital. How may I help you?

PW: I'm going to have a baby and it's two months early.

VL: Alright, the doctor is VERY busy but let me ask you a few quick questions. OK, do you have any health insurance?

PW: Yes, White Cross.

VL: Alright, and can you give me your husband's name so we can contact him?

PW: I'm not married.

VL: Tcha, ya know what? Huh uh! I'm sorry but we can't admit you.

PW: What?

VL: I am so sorry, but we here at Sisters of Mercy don't condone bastard children. But ya know what? County Hospital'll be more than happy to help you. Thanks for stop by Sisters of Mercy. Take care! Bye bye! Shoo! Thank you. OK. Bye bye.

Pregnant lady leaves, and a hysterical woman enters holding up her bleeding husband.

Wife: Somebody help my husband! Hurry, please!

VL: Hi, welcome to Sisters of Mercy Hospital. How may I help you?

W: Driving down the highway . . . and car coming at us and . . . crash and then . . .

VL: OK, we're calming down, we're calming down . . . and now we're calm. Sir, may I ask you your name?

Husband: Buh . . . buh . . . bah . . .

VL: Ok, sir. Sir. I'm sorry, you're going to have to annunciate.

W: Bob Elder!

VL: OK, ya know what? I was asking him! OK, sir, can you tell me your blood type?

H: A neg . . . oh, uh.

W: A negative! Please hurry, he is a hemophiliac!

VL: A hemophiliac?

W: Yes!

VL: Tcha, ya know what?

W: What?

VL: Huh uh! I'm sorry but we can't admit him.

W: Wh-wh-what do you mean you can't admit him?

VL: You see he's a hemophiliac, and we here at Sisters of Mercy don't condone that lifestyle choice. I'm so sorry.

W: Are you crazy? You've got to do something, the bleeding won't stop!

VL: OK ma'am, I can't talk to you when you're screaming at me.

W: I'm not screaming at you, I'm not screaming . . .

VL: OK, la la la. Thank you very much. La la la. Bye bye. Thank you! La la la.

The couple begin to leave, and the doctor comes out of his office.

Dr. Gruber: What the hell are you doing? You just turned away a dying man! Someone help him!

W: Thank you, thank you!

A group of nurses rushes in with a wheelchair, and they put the injured man in. They exit.

VL: Good evening Dr. Gruber.

D: That's it, you're fired. Leave now.

VL: And what about us?

D: We're through.

Dr. Gruber goes back into his office.

VL: OK, so sorry it didn't work out! But thanks for letting me sleep with you, and thanks for letting me work here at Sisters of Mercy Hospital.

The Vancome Lady starts to gather up her things, and a crying man stumbles in.

Man: Please, you gotta help me please. I can't take it anymore, it keeps spreading!

VL: OK siry, why don't you calm down and talk like a normal human being.

M: I think I got that flesh-eating thing.

The man lifts his shirt sleeve to reveal his bloody, half-eaten arm.

VL: Oh, and that's very contagious now isn't it? Yes it sure is. Tcha, ya know what? Uh huh! Dr. Gruber'll be happy to see you, just go right through those doors and give him a great big hug!

M: Thank you!

VL: You're very welcome. Bye bye sir!

The man goes into Dr. Gruber's office, and we hear reactions.

D: No, no! For the love of God, NO!

VL: And bye bye Dr. Gruber!

Vancome Lady exits.

The end.

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
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  #2  
Old 03/16/2003, 6:36 PM
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Scorpiogrrl4405 Female Scorpiogrrl4405 is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: Washington State
Posts: 7,399
I saw this one.............Hell@ funny! Loved all of it
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  #3  
Old 03/16/2003, 6:38 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scorpiogrrl2003
I saw this one.............Hell@ funny! Loved all of it
Thanks, I'm glad you liked it. I did too.

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
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  #4  
Old 05/15/2005, 5:29 PM
Texas Male Texas is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 584
very funny, I love Vancome Lady
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  #5  
Old 11/19/2008, 8:03 AM
db8ermorse Female db8ermorse is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 1
i really want to do this script for a speech event in debate! but i need the author and a copy of the book. =(
do you know where i could find any of that!
if so you would be super amazing!
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