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Old 10/15/2003, 6:16 PM
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Default Episode S01E02 (Aired 1995-10-21)

LAPD Correct
P.C Cops are a couple of cops who make sure all laws are obeyed by any means necessary, but in order not to offend anyone, they talk in a P.C way. For example, when they see 2 suspicious black men they call them N-Words. In this episode officer Stanton (Bryan Callen) and officer Harbert (Artie Lange) run into a couple of N-Words hanging out suspiciously at a corner. The N-Words say they were just waiting for their H-Words, but the officers don't buy it. They search the two of them. When they come up clean, the officers let them be.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Stanton), Artie Lange (Harbert), Orlando Jones (Big N-Word), Phil LaMarr (N-Word), David Herman (K-Word)

Nicole's Room #1
It's been a few weeks and everyone seems to be falling into a groove. Everyone except for one person. Nicole Sullivan is starting to feel homesick, so the crew set up a little surprise for her. It's her own bedroom from back home. The crew got it shipped out during the shows recent break. As Nicole and the cast root around in Nicole's room they find out some shocking things. Things like a pillow case full of condoms, medical needles and a bent spoon, and a film reel from a movie she did called Persian Love Chain. A movie that Artie Lange seems to know very well. When Debra Wilson opens up Nicole's yearbook to look for her picture, she finds that Nicole is credited as Nick Sullivan. Nicole then reveals that she was originally a man until the end of grade school. Everyone in the cast then leaves the stage awkwardly. Everyone except Orlando, who clearly enjoys what he sees on the Persian Love Chain film reel.

Credits: Artie Lange (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Bryan Callen (Himself), David Herman (Himself)

Quantum Dream Team
After their brilliant defence of O.J Simpson in 1995, Johnny Cochran (Phil LaMarr), F. Lee Bailey (Artie Lange), and Robert Shapiro (David Herman) are sent through time to defend other impossible to defend cases. They leap back and forth through trials like the Nuremberg Trials, and the trial for John Wilkes Booth, hoping that the next leap, is the leap home. In this leap, they have been sent to 1969 to defend Charles Manson (Bryan Callen) at his murder trial. The team uses incomprehensible jargon and illogical rederick to defend there client. Amazingly it works, and the case is thrown out.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Johnny Cochran), Artie Lange (Francis "F. Lee" Bailey Jr.), David Herman (Robert Shapiro), Randall Tamayei (Judge Introduction), Bryan Callen (Charles Manson), Donald Segar (Jesus Christ), Jack Betts (Judge)

Powerbook #1: Newt
Newt Gingrich (Artie Lange) tells what he has on his Powerbook laptop computer, which includes his Contract with America, his newest sex thriller, and his divorce settlement.

Credits: Artie Lange (Newt Gingrich), Mary Scheer (Jane Doe)

Don Martin- Ice Cube Boy **Animation**
Doc Martin shows how patients are innestisized by being put in a freezer. When he takes out the patient, he shatters into pieces.

Virtual Homeless
After his plan to give every homeless person a Powerbook laptop failed, Newt Gingrich and his inventor Bill Stinson (Phil LaMarr) has come up with a new invention, the Habitat 2000. With the Habitat 2000, the homeless can experience the joy of having food, a family, a house, and more.

Credits: Artie Lange (Newt Gingrich), Phil LaMarr (Bill Stinson), Mary Scheer (Interviewer), David Herman (Johnny Immergot), Beverly Johnson (Wife)

Bryan's Monologue
Bryan Callen tells the story of how he got to be on MADtv. He was going up against a guy who was better looking, had more talent, and was funnier. When Bryan wished the guy good luck, he said thanks in a way that Bryan took as demeaning. So Bryan casually beat the guy until he had a crushed scull and no more teeth.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself)

Pick Up and Delivery
Jaq the UBS Guy (Phil LaMarr), a hipped up, jittery guy has to deliver a package to an office worker Elizabeth (Mary Scheer). Elizabeth has to fill out some case reports at the moment so she can't get to the package. As he waits, Jaq hops around the room, observing it. As Elizabeth gets more and more agitated with Jaq's antics. Jaq then starts to hit on her, admiring her hair, and how she smells. As Jaq slowly tip toes around the notion of asking Elizabeth out for dinner and a movie, Elizabeth turns a picture she has on her desk of her husband and little girl around. Jaq gets the message and shakes off his encounter with love.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Elizabeth), Phil LaMarr (UBS Guy: Jaq)

Spy Vs Spy-Gorilla **Animation**
Black Spy sees that a White Spy has a gorilla guarding his house, so the black spy buys a bunch of banana's to distract the gorilla while he smashes White Spy's brain in. When Black Spy smashes him through a window with a mallet, he finds out that the White Spy inside is actually the gorilla, and the White Spy was in a gorilla suit, in the gorillas place. The White Spy watches as the Black Spy is beaten by the gorilla.

Phil's Monologue
Phil LaMarr comes on to talk about the parts he's gotten and never gotten. It seems Phil can't get some black roles because he is not black enough. When Phil got his role on MADtv, he was excited that he got to be the black guy on MADtv. Until he found out that they hired a blacker guy (Orlando Jones). Phil feels that he's as black as he needs to be. He then does his best gangster impression, but it just comes off as nerdy.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself)

Crimson Tide 2
An all female crew is manning a submarine at the end of the Cold War. The captain, played by Shirley MacLaine (Mary Scheer) wants to fire a missile at Russia because she feels like it. It turns out the entire crew is having their Pre-Menstrual Cycles at the same time. The only one who isn't is the co-captain played by Whoopi Goldberg (Debra Wilson) who had a hysterectomy, and is the only hope for stopping the missile watch in Crimson Tide 2. As the captain beats up the co-captain for the key she begins to cry when she doesn't get her way. When a message comes back telling her to proceed with laundry, the captain decides to launch the missiles anyway because she has cramps. Crimson Tide 2. Coming every 28 days to a theatre near you.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Shirley MacLaine), Debra Wilson (Whoopi Goldberg)

Post Office Massacre
Mike Albrecht (David Herman) brought a gun to the post office where he works. None of the other supervisors want to go near him because of a new bylaw that says any worker bringing a gun to work must be immediately fired. In order to spare their lives, they get Bill Hazelton (Phil LaMarr), a trainee supervisor to do the firing. Bill reluctantly goes over to Mike and tells him that he is fired. Mike wonders where Bill found the courage to approach him to say that when he has a gun filled with hollow point bullets. Bill gets on the floor and begs Mike to not kill him. Mike asks why he would kill Bill when he did such a great job firing him. It turns out Mike is a county substation inspector testing the workers on their courage. Mike then calls in the other supervisors and fires them all. The workers, outraged that they are fired after all the crap they have been put through, take out guns and kill Mike.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Washington), Debra Wilson (Dodgerbrent), David Herman (Mike Albrecht), Bryan Callen (Mailman), Artie Lange (Johnson), Phil LaMarr (Bill Hazelton)

Powerbook #4: Snoop
Tupac Shakur (Phil LaMarr) tells what he has on his Powerbook, which includes a message to himself, an e-mail message from Muhammad, and a list of all the hoes Eazy E slept with. Snoop Doggy Dogg has some straight up lyrics, his lawyer’s contacts, and a memo.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Tupac Shakur), Orlando Jones (Cordozar "Snoop Doggy Dogg" Broadus, Jr.)

Don Martin-Frog Legs **Animation**
Doc gets a frog from a nearby lake to give to a princess for dinner, but when she kisses it, it turns into a human leg.

New Neighbors
A couple Burt (David Herman), and Jill (Nicole Sullivan) is moving into a new house when their neighbour Charlie Hathaway (Artie Lange) stops by to say hello. Charlie has come over to tell them that legally by law he must tell them that he is a convicted sex offender, but he is able to suppress it by masturbating. When Burt and Jill's child Timmy (Justin Garms) comes down stairs and recognises Charlie, Burt and Jill are shocked to learn that Charlie was playing whiffleball with him and other children at the park. Burt and Jill quickly send Timmy away, but Timmy says "I love you Uncle Charlie" as he is leaving. Burt and Jill then tell Charlie to leave. They fear Charlie but they have both worked too hard to give up on their dream house just because of this. Brian "Kato" Kaelin then comes to the door wondering if he can rent the guest house. Burt and Jill decide that this neighbourhood isn't right for them and quickly start to pack up as Burt threatens to sue the real estate agent for selling them a house in such a bad neighbourhood.

Credits: David Herman (Burt), Nicole Sullivan (Jill), Artie Lange (Charlie Hathaway), Justin Garms (Timmy) Brian "Kato" Kaelin (Himself)

Mary's Monologue #1
Due to an agreement made by MADtv, Mary Scheer said that she was only going to do MADtv if the show allowed her to express her love of both Korean folk music, and gymnastics on the air. The producers said yes, but Mary only gets a few seconds into the routine before being cut off.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Herself)

Mary's Monologue #2
When the show returns from commercial, Mary has already finished and thanks MADtv for letting her dream come true.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Herself)

Air Guitar Store
A man (David Herman) takes his brother Tony (Bryan Callen) to the local air guitar store so he can pick out his first axe. When Tony tried out his first axe he is claimed terrible by his brother but store owner Mongoose (Artie Lange) reminds him of the first time he came in and sucked. Joe Walsh of the Eagles then comes in for some invisible guitar strings. Because of his fame, his invisible money is no good at the store. A sound of glass breaking is then heard, as a man (Orlando Jones) is trying to jack the most expensive guitar, but as he tries to make a break for it, Joe whacks him with a guitar. As he lies there, the men jam with the air guitars.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Man #1), David Herman (Man #2), Bryan Callen (Tony), Artie Lange (Mongoose), Clifton Thomas (UPS Man), Joe Walsh (Himself)

Spy Vs Spy-Train
White Spy sees a sign for 3-D drive in movies. When he goes to watch it, the 3-D train turns out to be an actual train that bowls him over.

Powerbook #2: McVeigh
Timothy McVeigh (Bryan Callen) shares what he has on his Powerbook, which includes checking his agent about a book deal, call car insurance rate, and a reminder that in prison, bitch is a complement.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Timothy McVeigh), Blaine Capatch [MADtv Writer] (Theodore "The Unibomber" Kaczynski)

Nicole's Room #2
Mary reads passages from Nicole's diary, which includes the entries on her transformation into a woman.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Debra Wilson (Herself), David Herman (Himself), Artie Lange (Himself), Orlando Jones (Himself)


  • Bryan Callen (4A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (3A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • Orlando Jones (3A/2S/1W/0AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (3A/6S/3W/0AF)
  • Artie Lange (3A/6S/3W/0AF)
  • Mary Scheer (4A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (0A/2S/0W/0AF)
  • Debra Wilson (3A/1S/0W/0AF)

Guest Stars, Special Appearances, and Featured Appearances
  • Randall Tamayei (1A/0W/0W/0AF)
  • Jack Betts (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Donald Segar (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Beverly Johnson (1A/0W/0W/0AF)
  • Brian "Kato" Kaelin (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Justin Garms (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Clifton Thomas (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Joe Walsh (0A/1S/0W/0AF)


  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/12/2009 at 8:36 PM.
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Old 04/09/2004, 11:29 PM
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Knickers Male Knickers is offline
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Originally posted by sarducci
Cast: Bryan Callen, David Herman, Orlando Jones, Phil LaMarr, Artie Lange, Mary Scheer, Nicole Sullivan and Debra Wilson

Special Appearance: Kato Kaelin and Joe Walsh.
  • LAPD Correct (Bryan, David, Orlando, Phil, Artie)
  • Nicole's Room (Bryan-himself, David-himself, Orlando-himself, Phil-himself, Artie-himself, Mary-herself, Nicole-herself, Debra-herself)
  • Quantum Dream Team (Bryan-Charles Manson, David-Robert Shapiro, Phil-Johnny Cochran, Artie-F. Lee Bailey)
  • Powerbook #1: Newt (Artie-Newt Gingrich)
  • Don Martin- Ice Cube Boy
  • Virtual Homeless (David, Phil, Artie-Newt Gingrich)
  • Bryan's Monologue (Bryan-himself)
  • Pick Up and Delivery (Phil-UBS Guy: Jaq, Mary-Elizabeth)
  • Spy Vs Spy-Gorilla
  • Phil's Monologue (Phil-himself)
  • Crimson Tide 2 (Mary-Shirley MacLaine, Debra-Whoopi Goldberg)
  • Post Office Massacre (Bryan, David-Mike Albrecht, Orlando, Phil-Bill Hazelton, Artie, Debra)
  • Powerbook #4: Snoop (Phil-Tupac Shakur, Orlando-Snoop Doggy Dogg)
  • Don Martin-Frog Legs
  • New Neighbors (David-Bert, Artie-Charlie Hathaway, Nicole-Jill, Kato Kaelin-himself)
  • Mary's Monologue (Mary-herself)
  • Air Guitar Store (Bryan-Tony, David, Orlando, Artie-Mongoose, Joe Walsh-himself)
  • Spy Vs Spy-Train
  • Powerbook #2: McVeigh (Bryan-Timothy McVeigh, David)
  • Close: Nicole's Room (Bryan-himself, David-himself, Orlando-himself, Phil-himself, Artie-himself, Mary-herself, Debra-herself)
Is someone trying to replace Mystere?

Anywho, you did a good job at doin those 4 WHO/WHATlike segment things. Lol

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View Post Old 04/10/2004, 1:58 PM
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Old 04/10/2004, 6:21 PM
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Knickers Male Knickers is offline
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Join Date: May 2003
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Well your doing a good job.

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Old 04/22/2009, 12:19 AM
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Default My Review


*Implies an automatic due to the fact that I could not get it because it was made for the time.


A very happy birthday to Nicole Sullivan. I don't care if she was a man, I would still do her. Yes I would.


LAPD Correct: Ok, but not the best. The highlight was Herbert going on the 1 word rant.

Nicole's Room #1: This was a great sketch. I love Nicole's reaction after they keep finding everything. The highlight was Artie saying that he loved the movie Nicole was in Persian Love Chain. I love it because I have a strong feeling Artie may have masturbated to that movie due to his reaction.

*Quantum Dream Team: It was ok, but a little hard to follow. The highlight was F. Lee Bailey going on and on as time just went with his ramblings having no meaning.

*Powerbook #1: Newt: Ok, but not really that funny.

Don Martin- Ice Cube Boy **Animation**: One joke that wasn't really that funny.

Virtual Homeless: Not very funny. I mean I didn't laugh at all on this one.

Bryan's Monologue: It was ok, but the highlight was him doing all of his fighting moves. Bryan had some great facial expressions.

Pick Up and Delivery: The beginning of Jaq the UBS guy. This one was the best sketch of the night. Phil was so on the ball in this. The highlight was Phil jumping around and when he said "think, think, think".

Spy Vs Spy-Gorilla **Animation**: A good Spy Vs. Spy.

Phil's Monologue: Not too bad, and I could understand Phil's pain. The highlight was when he mentioned that he has played a guy named Marvin, because that was his character from Pulp Fiction.

Crimson Tide 2: Good. The highlight was Mary's acting in this one. She must have had a lot of experience with PMS.

Post Office Massacre: I really liked this one. David's acting was great, along with Phil's. The highlight was David revealing who he actually was. So great.

*Powerbook #4: Snoop: When I looked up the title for this sketch, this came up. I don't know why though, because it wasn't the 4th one of these, and Tupac was in this too. The highlight was Orlando's Snoop. It was good, but then again it's not that hard to pull off a Snoop Dogg impression.

Don Martin-Frog Legs **Animation**: I don't like Doc, but this one was actually funny.

New Neighbors: Funny. The highlight was Timmy going up stairs but just before he does he says "I love you Uncle Charlie".

Mary's Monologue #1-2: Funny, but I think it could have been better if they gave Mary something better to do. This was like the shortest Mono of all the Mono's. The highlight was the commercial cuts.

Air Guitar Store: Good acting on the part of all the main actors, but not really that funny. The highlight was David's air guitar playing.

Spy Vs Spy-Train: Small but not sweet. It was really too short and there was no duping. What makes these Spy Vs. Spy cartoons great is when you think a spy is going to get it, but then it turns out to happen to him.

*Powerbook #2: McVeigh: I don't really know who McVeigh is. Also, why did they use an unnamed actor to play the Unibomber? No one else in the cast could do it.

Nicole's Room #2: Ok, not the funniest thing ever, but really good for filler. The highlight was Mary's reading. She really drew me in, but then again with Nicole's diary it's not like I need a draw in.

Out of 100 stars, this episode got 63 1/2. That's about a C rating. A much better episode than the previous one with a lot of good memorable sketches. Clearly MADtv is breaking in for the over 15 year (fingers crossed) run.


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