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Old 12/17/2004, 2:35 PM
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Default All-English-Speaking Al Jazeera Network (#1008)

© Miss Information

Original Airdate: 12/11/04
Sketch Length: 4:10

Ike Barinholtz ... Mu'mmar Maneer (Reporting)
Daniele Gaither ... Ubay Shihab (Witness)
Keegan-Michael Key ... Abdul-Kareem Aziz (Anchor)
Michael McDonald ... Maraq Alfader (Editorial)
Nicole Parker ... Jumana Fawzi (Co-Anchor)
Ron Pederson ... Yazeed Al-Farooq (Entertainment)
Aries Spears ... Burhan Ameer (Sports)
Paul Vogt ... Sunny Ali Baba (Weather)

(The All-English-Speaking Al Jazeera Network logo appears on screen. A news ticker appears at the bottom of the screen with foreign writing and the English phrase "Death to America!" scrolling by continuously, throughout the sketck.

Announcer (voice only): You are watching the English-Speaking Al Jazeera Network. Death to America. It's the English-Speaking Action News with Abdul-Kareem Aziz.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: Death to America.

Announcer (voice only): Co-anchor Jumana Fawzi.

Jumana Fawzi: My husband allows me to say only "Death to America."

Announcer (voice only): The weather with Sunny Ali Baba.

Sunny Ali Baba: This weekend, the weather's going to be hot, hot, hot. I'll give you tips on staying cool. Here's one of them: Death to America.

Announcer (voice only): Burhan Ameer with sports.

Burhan Ameer: I'll have the results of the soccer finals between the [inaudible] Scorpions and the [inaudible] Sand Weevils. Plus, death to President Bush.

Announcer (voice only): Yazeed Al-Farooq with entertainment news.

Yazeed Al-Farooq: Come with me as I go behind-the-scenes on Lemony Snicket with rubber-faced funnyman Jim Carrey. And death to Jim Carrey!

Announcer (voice only): And now, Abdul-Kareem Aziz.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: Good evening, and death to America. Our top story tonight, a [inaudible] man lost control of his Pasat and slammed into a herd of goats. We go now to Mu'mmar Maneer at the scene. Death to America.

Mu'mmar Maneer: Yes, Abdul, death to America. I'm here with Ubay Shihab who witnessed the accident. Ms. Shihab, tell everyone what you saw, and death to America.

Ubay Shihab: Yes, death to America. I was standing over by the store with my friend just saying to him "Death to America" when this car came flying out of nowhere and then slammed into the goats. And that's it. Death to America.

Mu'mmar Maneer: Death to America.

Ubay Shihab: Oh, is it possible to say "Death to America" to my mother and sister at home?

Mu'mmar Maneer: Go ahead.

Ubay Shihab: Hello, Gami. Hello, Jasmine. Death to America.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: Yes, thank you, Mu'mmar. And death to America. Jumanna?

Jumanna Fawzi: Please forgive. My husband allows me only to say "Death to America."

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: You know, that reminds me. I only allow my wife, Mary Pat to say "Death to America." And yesterday, we were at this party, you see, right? And somebody asked her where the bathroom was. And she could only say "Death to America."

Jumanna Fawzi: Death to America.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: That's enough now, that's enough. And now, with Sports, Burhan Ameer. Burhan?

Burhan Ameer: Today was the opening day of the Death to America Cup. Though everyone was at the top of their game, it was the Death to America cheerleaders that stole the show with their decadent display of hot western sexuality. Back to you, Abdul. Death to the cheerleaders.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: Yes. Thank you very much. And death to America. And now, hold on to your towels 'cause it's time for that crazy entertainment reporter, Yazeed Al-Farooq.

Yazeed Al-Farooq: All Americans are murderers. And one of them is a thief. And his name is Matt LeBlanc. And he stole my heart as Joey on Must-See TV Thursdays. Death to America! Except for Joey.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: Oh, boy, that Matt LeBlanc has impeccable timing.

Burhan Ameer: Impeccable.

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: It's very good, yes.

Jumanna Fawzi: Death to America.

(Abdul-Karrem Aziz screams in order to silence Jumanna Fawzi.)

Abdul-Kareem Aziz: And now, with another "Death to America" editorial is our station manager, Maraq Alfader.

Maraq Alfader: You ever wonder why we always say "Death to America"? I do. Do we really mean death to all the Americas? Death to South America? Death to America, the band from the 1970s? Perhaps I'm dating myself. When we say "Death to America", don't we really mean "Death to the United States"? Or "The U.S." for short? Sure, we do. So, next time, let's say what we mean and say "Death to the United States." That's my opinion, what's yours? E-mail me at deathtoamerica.org.

Abdul-Kareeem Aziz: The "Death to America" views in this editorial are not the views of this station. Oh, goodness, oh, wait a minute. Yes, they are. From all of his here at the Al Jazeera Action News Team, good night and death to America.

Outtro: Death to America!
Sketch Length: 0:14

(After the "Death to America!" sketch, Nicole Parker removes her vail. Keegan-Michael Key approaches her and begins touching her.)

Nicole Parker: Aahhh! Finally!

Keegan-Michael Key: You are beautiful. Jumanna.

(Nicole punches Keegan and laughs. He comes back up to her and begins touching her romantically. She punches him again.)

Nicole Parker: That'll teach him.

(Keegan approaches Nicole again.)

Keegan-Michael Key: Polygamy is...

(She punches him again. Castmember Ron Pederson walks by and makes an inaudible comment to the camera.)


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 06/12/2010 at 2:17 AM.
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