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Old 08/20/2005, 9:26 PM
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Location: Rensselaer, NY
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Default Monologue: Artie Lange (#101)

Artie- Himself

Announcer: And now another anti-Drug message from the president's anti-Drug council.

Artie: (Walks on stage) Hello. My name's Artie Lange.


Artie: I'm an actor, construction worker, burnout. I play a scumbag on TV, and I’m a scumbag in real life. I'd like to take this opportunity to talk to some of you kids out there and tell you exactly why I do drugs. I do drugs because, like many of you children, I hate myself. I'm filled with such an incredible amount of self-loathing that I can't stand to be in a clear state of mind for more than 1 1/2 hours. Here are the facts: I have no job, no car, no money, no girlfriend. I'm not particularly good looking, when I go to the beach, I don't tan proper*ly. My self-esteem is so incredibly low, that not only do I realize I'll never actually have sex with a beautiful woman, but I don't even allow myself to think of a beautiful woman when I masturbate. As a matter of fact, here's a list of some of the women I’ve thought about while masturbating during the past two weeks. Listen up. You might learn somethin'. Sally Struthers... Pippy Longstocking... Betty white... That little girl O.G. on Magilla Gorilla. [Little girl's voice] “Oh, gee. I'm a bad girl, Artie. I'm bad...” Some mannequin I saw in the window at Saks... Glenn Close... Glenn Campbell... And Sally Jessie Raphael. All right, on that one, I was wasted. So if you're-- If you're a kid out there and you're considering doing drugs, don't do them for the wrong reasons-- just to be cool. Do them because you hate yourself, and, h-hey, that's one to grow on. All Right. (Walks off stage)


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.
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