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Old 07/09/2004, 10:46 AM
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Default Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Group Therapy (#723)

Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man: Group Therapy (#723)
Sketch length - 5:19
Encored in episode #824

Mofaz (Tow Truck Man)................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Mindy...........................................STEPHNIE WEIR
Nick..............................................TARAN KILLAM
Ed.................................................ANDREW DALY

MINDY: I thought we had a very challenging session last week. And I thought this week we could all benefit if we could be a little more supportive of each other. And if we can do that, I will guarantee that your lives will get better.

MOFAZ: That is a big fat lie. Life never gets better, only worse. Always. My life started out bad, then it got real bad, then it got worse. Then the floor dropped out, I fell down 100,000 feet onto a pile of loose razor blades. I try to get out, I cut all over. I say "Why God, why?!" He pours down lemon juice on me. Then I catch fire. And that was during the good years! Always!

SINGERS: If you are blue, if you are sad, if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad, you'll get a big lift when you're talking with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man (who's now in court-appointed group therapy).

MINDY: Mofaz? Please, Mofaz, I will get to you in a minute. I'd like to start with Nick. Nick, how was your week?

NICK: Um, well, I'm still waiting to hear the results from my college entrance exams. I'm a mess, I mean I only get, like, an hour of sleep every night.

MOFAZ: You lucky ten-year-old bastard! Do you know how I sleep? With one eye open. You know why? Because I have nine kids. And you know what they say? "Papa, if you do not have candy, we are going to kill you in your sleep!" And when I finally get to sleep and they find the candy, do you think they thank me? No. They say "Papa, you stupid. Papa, you ugly. Papa, you look like a porn star from 1977."

MINDY: Okay, we are getting off track again. Please, I'd like to move on. Helen, what's going on with you?

HELEN: Well, I know I'm seeking approval because I didn't have a father growing up, but, even so, I can't stop having sex with all these strangers.

MOFAZ: At least you are having sex! Every night, always, I try to get into my wife's, eh, hella, hella, hella! I try with this (hand motions), I try with this (other hand motion), I try with this (with tongue): hella, hella! Nothing, nothing, never works! Nothing.

MINDY: I am leading this discussion group. Please, please. Now, Veronica, last week you told us you were trying to cut back on your cocaine addiction. How is that going?

VERONICA: Actually, it's gotten worse. I've started smoking crack in the bathroom at work.

MOFAZ: What is so bad about that? A drug addiction would be a blessing to me. If I were in drugs, I could forget all about my wife who sits in the corner...pulsating like larvae. Next to her is my sister-in-law, who is like a giant bloated maggot in bike shorts.

MINDY: Okay, Mofaz, please stop.

MOFAZ: And together they talk in their language, which is not my language. Hella hella hella, hella hella hella. Then the babies walk by..."Hella, papa, you porn star. Hella, hella!"

MINDY: I am sorry, but I don't want to hear another word out of you until everyone else has had a chance to speak. Do you understand? I mean it.

MOFAZ: Take it easy, sister.

MINDY: Not...not a word.

MOFAZ: You don't have to say it twice. Only say it once. Always.

MINDY (to Ed, who is in a wheelchair): Ed, how are you doing?

ED: Well, I still miss my legs.

MOFAZ: May I say something?

MINDY: No! Ed, please continue.

ED: You know what? Let him talk, I really don't feel like talking anymore.

MOFAZ: Thank you, okay. Now, Ed. You want the legs so bad? You can have mine. I hate my legs. Always. You know why? They are one single bone. The calf and the ankle are one. They...it's called a cankle.

MINDY: You know what, Mofaz? You don't give me any other choice. I'm going to have to ask you to leave because you are bringing this entire group down.

ED: No, actually Mindy - he made me feel a bit better. I mean, at least I don't have cankles.

VERONICA: Yeah, actually, I'm glad I don't have a spouse who lies in the corner...pulsating like larvae in bike shorts.

MINDY (standing up): You know what? I am just a few seconds from walking out of this room and just letting Mofaz take over. Is that what you guys want? Hmm?

EVERYONE: Uh...yeah.

MINDY: Fine! (leaving) Fine. That is fine with me. You know what? You're all a bunch of losers.

ED (wheeling over): Hey, Mofaz. Tell us more.

MOFAZ: First I thought she was going to close the door and walk into it. I don't know if you saw that. Okay. (to Helen, revealing chest hair) Feel this. You feel that? That is very hairy.

SINGERS: If you are blue, if you are sad, if you're depressed, upset, or unbelievably mad, you'll get a big lift after talking with the Depressed Persian Tow Truck Man (who's now in court-appointed group therapy).


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