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Old 08/14/2005, 11:43 AM
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Default Hillary's Listening Tour (#504)

Hillary’s Listening Tour (#504)

Nicole Sullivan as Hillary Clinton
Michael McDonald as Mayor
Mo Collins as Teacher
Aries Spears as Navel Officer

~Scene opens up with an audience listening to the Mayor speak~

Mayor: City of Schenectady is proud to have with us today, the first lady of the United States, Hillary Rodham Clinton.

Hillary: Thank you Mr. Mayor. When I planned my senatorial listening tour, Schenectady was one of the first cities on my list. So today I plan on talking to you for an hour…or three. I joke of course. I’m here to listen. I feel like there’s quite enough talk in this country but not enough listening. So I hand the floor back to you. (Points toward the mayor)

Mayor: Thank you Mrs. Clinton. Schenectady was founded by Arendt Van Curler way back in 1661. And perhaps it’s no coincidence that we here in Schenectady have one of the oldest curling clubs in the United States.

Hillary: (thinking) Curling huh, well that’s interesting. Ugh no it’s not. Ah c’mon Hil c’mon. You just gotta listen ok, you just gotta listen. You just gotta listen…to the damn…New Yorkers blab on blaba, blaba, blab, blab, blab, blab, blab. Blabbady toot boot bwoo. What kind of name is Schenectady anyway? Some drunk Indian barfed and that’s the sound it made? Look how much that guy blinks. Hey blinky. Hey blinky what cha doing? Are you blinking? Blinky blink blink blinking. Do it now! Do it…now! Now! Blink now! Ah haha. He did it. I’m a witch! God I hate New York.

Teacher: (Cuts to teacher at the podium speaking) Speaking as a teacher, Schenectady is blessed with a cultural center and a county public library.

Hillary: (thinking) Look at those boobs. Good Lord. Boom chica chica chica. Boom chica chica chica. (doing the voice of the monster) Rawr I’m the boob monster. I will crush you arrrg. (doing the voice of the citizens) No boob monster no. Don’t hurt us. Booby monster. (voice of monster) Rawr. Squoosh! (speaking normally) I wonder what Bill would look like in a bra. He needs one, his boobs are as big as hers. Man I hate New York.

Navel Officer: (speaking at podium) The business of lightning or the electrical industry dates back to the 1880’s when General Electric won the south.

Hillary: (thinking) (singing) There’s a hole in the bucket. Dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole in the bucket. Dear Liza, dear Liza. There’s a hole! (stops singing) Hmm, I’m a little horny. (shouting out loud) God I hate New York! (everyone looks around and then looks at Hillary)

Navel Officer: Excuse me Mrs. Clinton.

Hillary: Uhhh, I’m sorry, what? Uh no, nothing. Thank you. Nothing. Thank you. Please continue.

Navel Officer: Alright. Now that the electric plant…

Hillary: (thinking) Ugh Hillary you idiot C’mon! Focus. You just gotta listen and focus. That’s it, focus. Uh that’s hit. (looks beside her and sees the Mayor) Blinky! Hey blinky. What cha doing? Blinking? Are you blinking? Blinkady blink blink. Hey blinky, hey blink.

[Scene Fades]


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