Go Back   Planet MADtv > Our Database > MADtv Repository > MADtv Transcripts
Register Members List Mark Forums Read


Thread Tools
Old 11/03/2004, 6:32 PM
Princess PeachC's Avatar
Princess PeachC Male Princess PeachC is offline
Lurking around the corner
Staff Alumnus
Join Date: Feb 2004
Location: Behind you...
Posts: 2,112
Default Vancome Rescue (#301)

Vancome Lady-Kathy: Nicole Sullivan
Stewardess: Lisa Kushell
Capt. Winslow: Phil Lamarr
Passenger 1: Debra Wilson
Passenger 2: Will Sasso
UN Diplomat: MADtv Extra

(Scene opens to the airplane crash site)

Stewardess: Come on people, keep your chins up! Its only been 3 days, I’m there is still rescue crews out there looking for us. Remember, the most important thing to do is to keep a positive attitude. (Begins to cry) I’m a liar!

Passenger 1: Thanks for the pep talk, it really helped!

Passenger 2: We’re out of food, we’re out of water. Oh lets face it, we’re all gonna die!

Diplomat: Someone didn’t finish their honey roasted peanuts!

Stewardess: Don’t eat that! We can divide it 6 ways!

(A helicopter is heard in the background)

Stewardess: Look! A helicopter! We’re saved!

Kathy (Off stage): The eagle has landed!

(Kathy walks into the scene)

Kathy: Greetings, air disaster victims. I am from the Saint Bernard Emergency Search and Rescue Team and I am here to…ttcha, you know what? Uh uh! You people look like a wreck! I’m just kiddin’, that’s a little joke we have back at headquarters.

Passenger 2: Why did the rescue helicopter leave?

Kathy: Ok, sir, we are very busy and…whoa! What was the body count before humpty dumpty here started chowin’ down?

Passenger 2: Excuse me?

Kathy: Ok sir, take my advice, don’t eat the Chinese one, you’ll be hungry again in an hour. Oh, Christmas on a cracker! What do we have here?

Stewardess: Poor thing, she is burned on over 80% of body.

Kathy: Oh, well, it looks we got us a frequent fryer huh?

Passenger 1: Water! Water!

Kathy: Water? Oh, yes, thanks, I am very parched. Ok, let’s get down to brass tax, shall we? Now, I am surveying the scene, I’m surveying the scene, I’m surveying the scene and I’m wondering who could have caused the crash, huh? (Points to the diplomat) Who would wanna pull ole Uncle Sam’s beard just to show the Sanflees back at home what a big man he was huh? Looks like the suicide partier mission didn’t quite work out, did it Mr. Falafal?

Diplomat: I am not a terrorist you rude woman! I am a diplomat with United Nations.

Kathy: Ok, sir, you can save that speech for death row, alright Saddam?

Stewardess: This is getting us no where. Perhaps I could help, I was the flight attendant on board.

Kathy: Well, mile high Mary, judging from the amount of survivors, maybe you should have spent more time showing them the exits instead of your entrance!

Stewardess: What’s that supposed to mean?

Kathy: Ok, now, just for the record, what went down first, you or the plane?

Stewardess: I resent that! I did everything I could.

Kathy: Don’t you mean everyone?

Stewardess: I had nothing to do with the crash. If you don’t believe me, ask Captain Winslow.

Kathy: Oh, that’s Captain Crunch over there. You-who, Captain, can you see me? Oh, who am I kidding, if he can’t see a mountain huh?

Stewardess: Can’t you see he’s about to crack? For God’s sake, be gentle with him!

Kathy: Ok, you know what? Don’t tell me how to do my job. I’ve had over two hundred hours of victim sensitivity training. Hey, wrong way Joe! Speaky Eglish? Yeah, you Mr. Popularity. Don’t be such a gloomy Gus, I’m sure you’ll get your own segment on Fox’s “When planes go down!”

Capt. Winslow: It wasn’t my fault.

Kathy: Yeah, I know, I know, its very hard to see with a stewardess all over your face huh?

Capt. Winslow: No, no, that wasn’t it.

Kathy: Now, what do ya think it was? Was it boos? Was it pills? Was it affirmative action?

Capt. Winslow: Wait! Wait, I remember now. There was a, a, helicopter, then, and I veered to miss it and I, and I hit the mountain. (Begins to cry)

Kathy: Was there a big Saint Bernard on it?

Capt. Winslow: Yes!

Kathy: That’s weird! Any-who…

Passenger 1 (Coughing): Wait a minute, you caused the crash.

Kathy: Lady, I don’t know what you are talking about.

Passenger 1: It was you!

Kathy: Lady…

Passenger 1: You caused the crash!

Kathy: Lady, ok, and we’re dying, and we’re dying, and we’re dead! Ok, dig in humpty, this one is well done!

(Passenger 1 dies)

Passenger 2: Are you gonna get us out of here or not?

Kathy: Ttcha, you know what? (Her beeper goes off) Uh uh! Oh, I’m so sorry! Yeah, my vacation has just started. See, I thought I was going to be able to get this in before Maui, but I guess not. But don’t crack, I’ll be back in 2 weeks. Does anyone want me to bring them a lay? Oh, except you, you’ve had quite enough young lady! (Points to the stewardess)

Passenger 2: Where do you think your going?

Kathy: There’s my ride! Ok, bye bye! Aloha! (Covers ears) Lalala lalala…. (She leaves the scene)

(Everyone in the background is yelling for her to come back)

(The scene closes)


Last edited by Princess PeachC; 08/09/2005 at 7:36 PM.
Reply With Quote

Old 08/09/2005, 1:34 PM
Texas Male Texas is offline
Hardcore Fan
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 584
Kathy: Ok, sir, we are very busy and…whoa! What was the body count before humpy dumpy here started chowin’ down?
Humpty Dumpty
Reply With Quote

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Rocket Rescue Knickers Cool Links 0 07/04/2007 12:09 AM
[MADtv] Music Video: Vancome Lady - It's a Vancome Life (#418) elscorcho MADtv Transcripts 1 01/18/2005 5:36 PM
[MADtv] The Vancome Lady (#101) MJB12 MADtv Transcripts 5 12/21/2004 9:48 AM
[MADtv] Vancome Lady sarducci General Discussion 5 04/16/2004 11:05 AM
[MADtv] Vancome Lady Mad Dog General Discussion 5 01/29/2002 8:00 AM

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 9:27 AM.