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Old 01/08/2005, 4:10 PM
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Default Real **********ing Talk: FCC/Tonys (#925)

Aries Spears as Dollar Bill Montgomery (DB)
Keegan Michael-Key as Stevie Wonder Washington
David Alan Grier as Lunchbox Lewis
Fred Willard as Gene St. John
??? as announcer

DB: ("Real ********** Talk with Dollar Bill Montgomery" appears on screen) I'm Dollar Bill Montgomery and welcome to the show. Now as you know the FCC has been crackalatin' down on the use of foul language on TV. So tonight, we're keeping it clean, plus I can’t afford the fifty dollar fine. Now my first guest is not handicapped, he's handy capable. He's the night bellhop at the hotel six where he carries the bags and cleans the sheets. I gotta tell you sometimes it's a blessing to be blind. Please welcome Stevie Wonder Washington.

Stevie: ("Stevie Wonder Washington" appears on screen and Stevie stands up) That's right. Yeah, hey, alright. Hey. That’s right. Hey man. Was up. Ha ha ha. Hey man I'm on TV. man. I'm just like Dave Chappell. I'm back bitches. (Grunts) Alright.

DB: (pushes Stevie in chair) Man sit yo' ass down fo' I bust a handicap in yo' ass. Now back in the day my next guess couldn't get a job. But then he got lucky. Along came terrorism and the government needed somebody to file through the underwear at the airport. Please welcome Lunchbox Lewis.

Lunchbox Lewis: ("Lunchbox Lewis" appears on screen) was up baby. (Hand slaps Dollar Bill.)

DB: I gotta tell you man. You got a lot of bling on brotha.

Lunchbox Lewis: Oh yeah we blingin'. You know f**k yeah mother f**ker. I go through other people's bags. You know them flying mother f**kers got some good ass s**t.

DB: Uh bro were you not here ten seconds ago when I said uh the FCC was crackin' down on the foul language?

Lunchbox Lewis: Man all I said was f**k, s**t, and mother f**ker. Now when the f**k did mother f**ker become a f**king bad word?

DB: Now our last guest is the entertainment editor for the wildly ignored grocery store give away paper the National Midnight Star. Please welcome Gene St. John.

Gene St. John: ("Gene St. John" appears on screen) and may I say howdy doody Dollar Bill. A big buck eye salute from the state that's round at the ends and hi in the middle, Ohio.

Stevie: Oh ho. Oh I high too. (Dollar Bill, Lunchbox Lewis, and Stevie Wonder Washington start laughing. Stevie tries to hand slap somebody but keeps missing cause he' blind)

Lunchbox Lewis: Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Left! Focus. Slap. (Lunchbox and Stevie high five each other) There you go.

Stevie: Yes.

Gene St. John: Well I happen to be high on life, and the occasional Vikedin, if you know what I'm saying.

Lunchbox Lewis: You know for a white ass mother f**ker you cool as s**t.

DB: Ey' Shut up stupid. We need to be smart about this. Listen, from now on I want you to say mother hmm. Say mother

Gene St. John: No mother hugger. Mother hugger.

DB: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Mother hugger. Mother hugger. Yeah and ass could be butterbean and and and for bitch we gon' use the word Towanda. Cause Towanda heh cause Towanda sho' is a bitch.

Stevie: She is too. She is too.

DB: Alright now let’s move onto our first topic. Since we done so well with our Emmy and Oscar shows tonight we gon' discuss the Tony’s. Now let’s cut to the category everybody cares about. Who's gon' win best Tony? Stevie Wonderful.

Stevie: Man. That's easy man. That's easy. Tony Soprano man. Yeah he is one mean son of a Towanda.

Lunchbox Lewis: Uh huh. Tony Soprano my ass... uh pirine. Uh best best mother huggin'... um... lawn mowing... aww... fudge sickles. Man this some hard uh... ship... Yards. Anyway uh. In my opinion uh the best Tony is Scar face Tony Montana. Would you like to see my little friend? (Everyone starts laughing)

DB: Aww well you both wrong man. Best Tony is Toni Braxton. Man I could spend all night tappin' dat (acts like he's spanking Toni) POW butterbean.

Lunchbox Lewis: That's right. That's right. You got me there.

Gene St. John: You've got the wrong idea Dollar Bill. The Tony awards are given to the best Broadway plays in musicals.

DB: We know that ya mother hugging Towanda. (Gene looks around as if DB is talking to someone else.)

Stevie: Yeah we all know that St. Cracker. I mean I may be blind.

DB: And stupid.

Stevie: And stupid. But I know that a brotha don’t care no kind of shhhhoe laces about no Broadway.

DB: So now lets move on to our next topic. Best gangster rap. Album of the year. And the nominees are... (Picks up paper and starts reading) uh dead nig hmm. Lick my nut hmm. Shoot the bit uhh. Uh man you can’t even say this stuff on TV. (crumbles up paper and throws it) You know what man aww hug it man. That's the show. Uh I want to congratulate all you mother huggers out there for getting through this show without the FCC kicking us off the air.

Gene St. John: Uh you know DB maybe the FCC is right. There is no place for obscenity on television. In fact, the last time I was here my dear sweet mother was a bit offended. So mom, I hope you enjoyed the show tonight and when I get home I'm gonna hug you until you're asleep and then hug you a whole lot more.

DB: What!?

Stevie: What!?

Gene St. John: Oh! (Covers mouth because he realized what he said) Jiminy Crickets when I said hug I didn't mean f**k. Oh s**t I just said f**k.

DB: Ey f**k man. You just said f**k and s**t.

Lunchbox Lewis: Get off his ass mother f**ker you the first mother f**ker to say mother f**ker in the first f**king place.

DB: F**k you mother f**ker. I only said f**k in the first place cause this mother f**ker said f**k.

Everybody: Aww F**K!

Announcer: ("Under construction" and a picture on two construction workers appear on screen) we are currently experiencing technical difficulties.
[End Sketch]


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Last edited by Pizzotty; 06/05/2005 at 3:13 PM.
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