[MADtv] Real **********ing Talk: Holiday (#1009)

[lpshean]

---- Hope you guys find this OK.. my first shot at this and now i realise that its NOT easy doing this. Props to those who dunnit before me. ----


Aries- Dollar Bill Montgomery (DB)
Jordan- Larvelle DuPree
Keegan- Rollo Johnson
Michael- Francis Michael McKrovsky

DB: I'm Dollar Bill Mongomery. Welcome to the show where real people talk about real issues in a real way... Real
*******king talk. Now my first guest delivers for Huey's Hot Wings N Things.. Larvelle DuPree. Hey man... i ordered
some wings from you about two hours ago and they ain't come yet.

Larvelle: Hey man, what are you implying, man?

DB: I ain't implying f*** you wing-stealing motherf*****! Now, my next guest sells tea tree oil outside the fade to black
barber shop. Please welcome Rollo Johnson.

Rollo: May i clarify, do not call me Rollo Johnson, I have taken a proud African name.. Mandingo Babafungi.

DB: And what the hell does that mean?

Rollo: Its Swahilli for Rollo Johnson.

DB: Now my last guest was supposed to be noted white man, F. Michael McKrovsky.. but he's seriously late..

(shows up unexpectedly, half drunk)
McKrovsky: Hohoho.

DB: Where the hell have you been McKrovsky?!

McKrovsky: I am sorry. I just got back from my office Christmas party and... wooo...why don't you guys.. the ad job..
.. christmas parties.. (leans on DB)

DB: Get yo ass over on the seat!

McKrovsky: Sorry.

DB: You know, i gotta tell you ahh McKrovsky.. ahh.. thats some badd sweater mann.

McKrovsky: Well i kindda like it, i made it at a class at the Honky Annex.

DB: Nono, nono... you misheard me...thats not bad as in bad, thats bad as in good. Now Larvelle's suit... thats bad as in
f***ked up! Hey mannn... Steve Harvey called. He wants his sh*t back.

Rollo: Now hold on, now hold on my brother, now forgive the brother his fashion faus pax. He is ghetto confused mann! The
suit is a cry for help!

Larvelle: Mann... shut up before i stick a bone in your nose.

Rollo: A bone in my.. what? What? Whapulleeapppp... (grabs hold of his African dust). You bout to get it now..
haiyatikkatifah.. (blows African dust at Larvelle)

DB: Hey mann! what the hell is this? (grabs Rollo's bag of dust)

Rollo: Man thats my magic African dust!

Larvelle: Yo.. (sniffs).. that (sniffs)..dust is some good sh*t man.. Keep that sh*t cominggg!

Rollo: Emm hmm.. is that whatchu want?? Emm hmm, well you gon be a zombie in 10 minutes!

DB: Hey hey hey hey... aint no zombies on the Holiday show OK?! (looks at McKrovsky) Now you down for Christmas?

McKrovsky: Noooo... Nooo.. im way up with Christmas! I love it, i love the eggnog with the rum, i love the rum punch,
the rum balls.. (drinks rum)

DB: Sounds to me like somebody is drunk for Christmas!

McKrovsky: Oh, absolutely f**ked.. Happy Birthday Jesus! (drinks more rum)

Larvelle: Heyy brother, wouldnt you be so kind as to help a fellow Christian man now?
(McKrovsky offers his rum, but Rollo stops Larvelle)

Rollo: what is wrong witchu man?? The african American should abandon the ultimate Caucasian occasion and embrace Quanza.
Which is a celebration of the motherland... aweemawayy... aweemawayy.

DB: Evidently somebody just got down watching the f***king Lion King. You know, speaking of motherland, i ain't seen yours.
And the bitch so fat, if she fell through the attic, she wouldnt stop till she reached the basement!

Rollo: (reaches for his African dust) Oh no mann.. no you didn't! Haiyahtikkahtifahmanifah you boutta get some of this..
(throws the African dust at DB).. haiyahtikahh, manifahlatifah, (does some dance) mmammamm mana, mmammamm mana..

DB: Gimme that magic f**k mannn!! (cleans his shorts) Sit yo ass down! Next topic, Quanza and Christmas. Can we all get
along?

McKrovsky: (puts his hand in the air) Ahh.. lightbulb. Lightbulb if i may. Umm.. is it me or is there a black baby
flying over my shoulders? (camera focuses on a black baby angel) Anywayy.. how bout this? How bout we take both
traditions, Quanza and Christmas, we combine em and we call it Quistmas!

DB: Quistmas?? Whats wrong with yo ass Quacker?!

Rollo: Thats right man. Thats right man. Y'all ready brought us over here from mother Africa in chains! But you ain't gon
mess with Quanza, you holiday stealin Honky! And for your information, that lil angel over your shoulder's called
Hawawubatut (cluck, cluck).

McKrovsky: Whatever it is, it is well dressed, and adorable, and her hair is neat! (turns and look over at the baby) They
don't scare me when they keep the hair neat. (drinks more rum, while rollo adjusts his hat) I don't wanna steal your holiday,
i wanna share it alright? I want... i wannt you to come over to my home and show my entire family how you celebrate your
holidays. Wont you do that, just in the name of, ahh, brotherhood?

Rollo: (looks apologetic).. Oh well.. uhh.. sure mann, yeahh where dya live?

McKrovsky: We have a beautiful home on the corner of Fat-Chance-and-No-F**king-Way.

DB: Hahaha. (slams hands on the coffee table) Oomgawa.. oomgawa, he cracked on you good mann, hahaha.

McKrovsky: Lets, lets end this on an upnote rite? Lets do a lil holiday toast alright? In the spirit of holiday. I want us
all to open our hearts, as well as our wallets to the poor alright? Lets not be ****eredly. (Larvelle and DB looks at
McKrovsky, clearly annoyed).. Wh-hat? why are you looking at me? Did you.. theres a D in that word. ****ereD... its a..
did you.. didnt hear the D?? (Rollo looks equally annoyed) You didn't? It means uhh... its an adjective. And umm, and
I better start it slower. An adjective is a word that describes a noun.. (more annoyed looks from Rollo and DB).. Well uh
it means to be cheap, like you know, if uhh, like you know, there were a bunch of people that were being ****eredly, would
be like, a.. ahh... a gang of ****ers. (McKrovsky looks scared).. Uhh.. i have to do some shopping.

DB: (points to both Larvelle and Rollo) Hey mann, take his as to the "mall".

McKrovsky: Nonono.. i know the way.. (Larvelle and Rollo chases McKrovsky around on stage)

DB: Well thats our show. We wanna thank y'all for watching. And happy f**king holidays.

[hellahellalala]

Great job.