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Old 10/15/2003, 5:17 PM
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Default Episode S01E03 (Aired 1995-10-28)

Phone Sex
A boy Bryan (Bryan Callen) calls the International Wet Hotline to find a woman who will say sexual things to him over the phone. He decides to go for the sure hand of experience and calls to listen to an over 40 year old woman. The woman says that she is pulling down his pants to spank him, all the time while calling him a naughty Ned. Bryan says that's what his mom use to call him. When she says it again he says "mom" over the line. The screen then splits to see that Bryan's mom (Mary Scheer) is the phone sex lady. Bryan's mom asks him what he is doing calling a phone sex line, and what happened to his girlfriend Susan. Bryan says they broke up and he hasn't told his mom because he's too busy. When he tries to get off the phone, Bryan's mom refuses saying "you never finish anything you start, now do you want me to turn you on or not". Bryan says yes considering he already paid for the first 3 minutes. His mom then goes back to reading her sex comments to him, like how she is going to rub oil over him, but keeps cutting out when she thinks of how she use to do that to him as a baby. When he hangs up, she barges into his room to yell at him.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Bryan), Mary Scheer (Bryan's Mom)

A.D.D. Girl #1
Mary Scheer. who suffers from Attention Deficit Disorder (A.D.D) comes out to talk about the A.D.D stereotypes, and what advantages come from A.D.D, but when she thinks about her start in Detroit, she get reminded of the sandwiches there, then of the sandwich shop she had in college, and then how great college was, and on, and on, and on. She then says that the dress she's wearing doesn't look cute, but she has one that does and goes to get it. Debra Wilson then comes out to say that what Mary first talked about was what A.D.D sufferers go through. Mary then comes out with her dress, which has her playing a tomato. When Debra reminds her that she is suppose to be talking about A.D.D she apologises, and reads where people can go to learn more about A.D.D, but gets sidetracked when she sees a moth.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself)

NDI Vs AE&E; #1-Nicole
Telephone service provider AE&E gives a message to competitor NDI that they don't put anything in writing. To prove that a spokesperson for NDI Nicole (Nicole Sullivan) puts her hand on the bible and says that she swares that there rates are 20% lower than AE&E.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Nicole)

Outing Dummy
A man named Lenny (Artie Lange), and his puppet Lumpkin (David Herman) come on stage. Lumpkin comments on how there are a lot of good looking people in Hollywood. When Lenny tells Lumpkin to act better in public, Lumpkin asks what's so wrong about saying there is a lot of beautiful men in the audience. Lumpkin then starts to hit on the male members of the audience, but since he is being controlled by Lenny, they might think that Larry is hitting on them. He then grabs Lumpkin, and tells him to stop making him look gay. Larry then says ok. When Larry goes to drink some water, Lumpkin sings "were here, were queer, get use to it", causing Larry to spit out his water. Larry then forces Lumpkin to the floor and chokes him.

Credits: David Herman (Lumpkin), Artie Lange (Lenny)

Psychic Cop
Psychic Cop Creskie (Mary Scheer) is a cop that solves mysteries in no time with her psychic abilities. When someone is found, murdered without a trace, the Creskie discovers that it was the chief (Artie Lange). When another murder occurs she solves it as the call comes in. Her partner Tatum (Phil LaMarr) is sick of her solving all the cases and asks her when he is going to get to solve one on his own. She tells him in 2 years from now, but accidently gives away the victims name, not that that's going to matter because Tatum is shot by an unknown assailant. When the announcer tells everyone to tune in next week, she tells them not to bother because they are being cancelled.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Creskie), Phil LaMarr (Tatum), Artie Lange (The Chief)

Spy Vs Spy-Tuba Bang **Animation**
White Spy makes a sound activated micro bomb and sneaks it into the Black Spy's gloves. When the Black Spy wakes up and goes outside with his gloves on, the White Spy plays a loud trumpet that sets off the bomb.

Debra and Debbie
A Mother Debra (Nicole Sullivan) does not want her daughter Debbie (Mary Scheer) going out looking like what Debra thinks is a "plain Jersey Slut". Debbie goes up and changes. When she comes back down, Debra then has a problem with Debbie's wily hair. When Debra adds a hairclip to it, she tells Debbie that she should be wearing her glasses. When Debbie comes back down, she feels that she looks so ugly that she can't go to the party anymore. When her boyfriend Jason (Bryan Callen) comes over to pick her up, Debra tells him that Debbie doesn't feel well, but she feels great. She takes off her bathrobe, to reveal that she is wearing party clothes, and that the getting rid of Debbie's hot clothes was just a way for her to steal Debbie's boyfriend.

Credits: Nicole Sullivan (Debra), Mary Scheer (Debbie), Bryan Callen (Jason)

Racism Vs Spam
Orlando Jones comes out to talk about the similarities and differences between Racism and Spam. The only difference is Racism isn't delicious.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Himself)

First to a Million #1
The rules to America's new game show are very simple. The first person to a million points wins. Every right answer is worth one point.

Credits: Artie Lange (Ben), Mary Scheer (Judy), Peter Marshell (Himself)

Don Martin- Wish Bone **Animation**
A couple wishing on a wish bone each wish for each other’s death. When they pull the bone they both end up falling out the window.

First to a Million #2
Returning to the game, contestant Ben has reached 11,000 points.

Credits: Artie Lange (Ben), Mary Scheer (Judy), Peter Marshall (Himself)

Apollo the 13th
Ron Howard, after bringing the triumph of the American spirit in Apollo 13, now brings the torment of the eternal soul in Apollo the 13th Jason takes NASA. The heroic voyage of the spacecraft Apollo 13, mixed with the terror of Friday the 13th. Jason has found his way onto the ship, and kills everyone on it.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Bill Paxton: Fred Haise), David Herman (Tom Hanks: Jim Lovell), Scott Fink (Kevin Bacon: Jack Swigert), Debra Wilson (Nancy), Orlando Jones (Brad), Phil LaMarr (Flight Director), Artie Lange (Ed Harris: Gene Kranz)

Phil's Mulatto Monologue
Phil LaMarr comes out in a Nigerian shirt and a kilt to reveals that he is of both Nigerian, and Scottish decent. Phil's heritage is important to him, so he has funded the Mulatto Entertainment Assoceation. The Assoceation will be holding a Mulatto Rock Festival, which will have acts like Jennifer Beals, Lenny Kravitz, and Marah Carey.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Himself)

Don Martin- Blow Up Girl **Animation**
3 men get ready to go swimming. 2 of them blow up blow up toys to go into the water, but one blows up a blow up a blow up doll, and goes back into the dressing room with it.

Cookin' With Sherry
Cooking with Sherry is a show that a woman Sherry (Mary Scheer) who runs a cooking show while dealing with her abusive relationship. Today, she is making 1, 2, Turkey with mussel relaxers, and tequila in the hopes that it will knock out her husband (David Herman). It must tastes good, because if it tastes good, more drugs get into his system, which will knock him out until the divorce is finalized. When the husband eats the meal, he is knocked out in seconds.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Sherry), Miles Marsico (Kid), David Herman (Husband)

Circus Guy
Artie Lange comes out and says how horribly disappointed he is by the circus these days. Artie doesn't like the lions, tight rope walkers, bears, clowns, cannon ball man, and stilt rope walkers.

Credits: Artie Lange (Himself)

Homeland Improvement
It's Homeland Improvement time with Tim McAllen (David Herman). On this week’s show, after fortifying the outside of the house, it's time to focus on the great indoors. When his assistant Al (Artie Lange) starts making wise cracks, Tim tells him to be careful because of all the guns that are around. When Al tells him to be careful, the gun goes off, almost killing him. Instead, he kills the neighbour Wilson. When the mailman (Phil LaMarr) comes by with a package for them they tell him to wait on the porch. The package turns out to be a bomb that blows the door off and crushes Tim.

Credits: Artie Lange (Al), Nicole Sullivan (Homeland Improvement Girl), David Herman (Tim McAllen)

NDI Vs AE&E; #2-Woman
A woman tells the story of how her husband died from a massive heart attack after looking at his NDI phone bill. In the middle of her call to the hospital, just as she was about to give the address the phone went dead, just like her husband.

Credits: Jean Speegle Howard (Elderly Widow)

Rolling Stones Video-Like a Rolling Stone
The premier of the new Rolling Stone Video Like a Rolling Stone.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Bryan Callen (Himself), Mick Jagger (Himself), Keith Richards (Himself), Charlie Watts (Himself), Ronnie Wood (Himself), Darryl Jones (Himself)

A.D.D. Girl #2
Mary comes out to say good night. The cast warns her that she only has 7 seconds. She says she understands but then gets sidetracked due to her A.D.D.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Artie Lange (Himself), David Herman (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself)


  • Bryan Callen (4A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (3A/2S/0W/0AF)
  • Orlando Jones (3A/1S/1W/0AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (4A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Artie Lange (3A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • Mary Scheer (1A/7S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (3A/2S/0W/0AF)
  • Debra Wilson (4A/0S/0W/0AF)

Special Appearances and Guest Stars:
  • Scott Fink (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Peter Marshall (0A/2S/0W/0AF)
  • Jean Speegle Howard (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Miles Marsico (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Mick Jagger (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Keith Richards (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Charlie Watts (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Ronnie Wood (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • Darryl Jones (0A/1S/0W/0AF)


  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/12/2009 at 6:54 PM.
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Old 05/06/2006, 5:30 AM
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Dartanian Male Dartanian is offline
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Orlando's "Spam vs. Racism" is quite possibly the best Season 1 segment in my opinion. I liked the "Santa vs. Fruitcake" one from the christmas episode too, but the first was extremely well done. I wasn't a big fan of Orlando based on the little material I had seen from him prior to getting Season 1, but after THIS monologue, he is easily my favourite of the original castmembers. Sorry Mary.

What happened to Andrae?
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Old 05/15/2009, 12:37 AM
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It's gonna happen
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Posts: 3,751

*Any sketch that is supposed to be topical of the time will get an extra if I don't understand it.


Phone Sex: This was a really good sketch! I love Bryan's reaction to the fact that he is speaking to his mom. I wonder if this has ever happened in real life.

A.D.D. Girl #1: I'm not sure, but I think I heard that Mary actually has A.D.D. If so, it was nice of her to make fun of her condition. If not, that kind of makes it funnier. The highlight was when she brought out the tomato costume.

*NDI Vs AE&E; #1-Nicole: Didn't get it. Probably because there is a chance that both of these companies have been sold off, and changed names dozens of times by now.

Outing Dummy: Ok, but not a very ha ha sketch. The highlight was when Lumpkin started hitting on the guy in the audience.

Psychic Cop: Meh. Can't really think of anything to say for or against this one.

Spy Vs Spy-Tuba Bang **Animation**: Not White Spies greatest attack, but still good.

Debra and Debbie: This one didn't really work for me.

Racism Vs Spam: Just seeing Orlando work out the even obscure connections between racism and Spam was worth it for this one. The highlight was him moving around the letters for each to create something completely obsure.

First to a Million #1: This was a great parody for game show standards. The highlight was Judy saying that the game is pointless, only to have Peter come back at her to tell her to please be patient, because he has seen people come back from worse.

Don Martin- Wish Bone **Animation**: I don't like Doc Martin cartoons, and this one was just so wierd.

First to a Million #2: Still good. The highlight was when Peter scoffed off Ben's question of dinner.

Apollo the 13th: Not that great. The highlight was Artie's Ed Harris. It wasn't particularly that good, but it was funny.

Phil's Mulatto Monologue: Phil fighting for Mulatto's everywhere. How could this go wrong? The highlight was Phil in a Nigerian shirt, and a Scottish kilt. What a funny combination!

Don Martin- Blow Up Girl **Animation**: Alright, but you all already know my feelings about Don Martin cartoons.

Cookin' With Sherry: Not too bad. The highlight was Sherry's extreme knowledge in the field of drugs, and how to use them.

Circus Guy: So right. The circus has gone downhill. Now everyone’s too safe. Remember carousel’s in the old days? They use to have golden rings that hung from the edges of the carousels. If you grabbed a ring, you would win a prize, but you risked personal injury. Now that was entertainment!

Homeland Improvement: Not very funny. I didn't like the real show, and I didn't like this. The highlight was Tim shooting Wilson in the head.

*NDI Vs AE&E; #2-Woman: Got nothing really to say about this one.

Rolling Stones Video-Like a Rolling Stone: Why did this air on MADtv? This is totally not the kind of thing MADtv does.

A.D.D. Girl #2: Not too bad. Good for the closing.

Out of 100 stars, this episode got 60 1/2. That's about a C- rating. Not that bad of an episode, but the cast and writers are clearly still trying to find their footing. They'll find it. They'll find it.


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