Talking to G.O.D.

[Dark Monarch]

Monday, July 19th, 2004
4:42 am War Story time...
Just thought I would jot down a story or two to make myself chuckle ( and so that my fading memory doesn't forget... lol. )

Im sure those who know me through IM's, Planet Mad Tv, Kayfabe Memories and whatnot have heard me refer to " Calling God ". ( This is one of my favorite college stories to tell. ) It was sometime in the mid part of the Autumn 1995 semester, Im thinking October, but I could be wrong. ( Six fifths of MD 20/20 a day can do that to a person's memory... ) It was four in the morning, and I was sloshed. Jeff, Mike ( both sloshed ) and Chuck ( who didn't go to college with me, nor did he drink ) were there. Beavis and Butthead were on. We were in the lobby of Sanford Hall and bored ****less. As Kenny Rogers might say, " ... too tired to sleep... " You know the routine.

Anyway, Jeff started talking about this guy in Washington, DC that thought he was " God " and had an 800 number and the whole nine yards. To answer the question I know you're asking yourselves, we were drunk and bored, what do YOU think? Of COURSE we called. We needed to speak with The Allmighty, and since this WAS a free call ( 800 number, right? How thoughtful. That way we could spend on money on booze and laundry. )

The lobby was set up with a regular phone inside and a phone that only dialed campus numbers outside. We decided to do a three way phone call, so TWO of us could listen in to the words of wisdom from God himself. So we dial the 800 number ( 1-800-DIAL-GOD ) and then make the three way connection. After going through the automated system, we finally get The Archangel, I mean, a human being on the line. The ensuing conversation actually happened. I swear. Not to God ( not even to G.O.D. ) but I swear Im not making this **** up.

Them: G.O.D.?
Us: God? How's it going?
Them: God? What? Who is this?
Us: I need to speak to God please.
Them: Speak to God? Have you tried church? Prayer?
Us: Listen, I need to speak to God. You know, The Big G, The man upstairs, The G guy... ya know? God.
Them: He, uh... stepped out for a moment. Wait a sec, here he is... ( deeper voice ) YES, MY SON!
Us: God, where are you?
Them: Mount Cyanide.
Us: God I have this problem I need help with. There's this girl I want to marry. Ok, I want a meaningful relationship. Ok, Ok, I just want to get in her pants... The problem is, she won't **** me unless I have a sex change operation and become a woman and she has a sex change operation and becomes a man. Which is kind of bizarre, but I AM a lesbian trapped inside a man's body...
Them: ( interrupting ) Hey, look... I appreciate the joke and all, but let me clarify in case you ARE serious. G.O.D. means " Guaranteed Overnight Delivery ", but in YOUR case, I think it means " Get Off Drugs! "
******* At this point we're laughing so hard, we have to hang up.******

I miss those days, dearly. More to follow. If anyone reads this and likes it, please comment.
(Comment on this)

[DreaStrikesBack]

lmao thats one of the funniest stories ive ever heard

[i like madtv]

HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

[Dark Monarch]

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I post there as wtfnamecaniuse

Don't ask...lol.

[Mxz]

"War Stories" Sure........... It's Sorta LIke those Emerald Nuts Commercials Only It's Using G.O.D. Not E.M.

*Good Ole Dogs.........Wait That's Not Funny.......That Doesn't Even Make Sense!*