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Old 08/15/2004, 7:55 PM
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Default Lorraine Goes to the Dentist (#825)

Sketch length - 6:31

Lorraine Swanson...........................MO COLLINS
Dr. Katzenberg................................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Secretary (voice).............................DEBRA WILSON

SECRETARY (voice): Dr. Katzenberg? Your 2:30 whitening appointment is here.

KATZENBERG: Excellent. It'll be a nice, easy way to end the day. Send her in, please.

Lorraine enters. She walks over to the overhead mirror device near the patients chair and pretends to do a chin up.

LORRAINE: Uh-hhh. (taps chair) Uhhhh!

She continues to tap the chair, and even humps it once.

LORRAINE: You got a real sturdy operation here, huh?

KATZENBERG: Uh, yes. Yes we do. And you are here to have your teeth whitened.

LORRAINE: Yeah, yeah. My husband Carl's got me hooked on those Macchiato Frappulates, and boy, they put a real spring in your step but they sure do leave a stain! Uh-hhh!

She pulls down her lower lip.

KATZENBERG: My god. How many of those have you had a day?

LORRAINE: You know...2 or 3, or 40. Uhhh!

KATZENBERG: Well, I like my patients to be comfortable, so I'm going to put on some music.

LORRAINE: Yeah, yeah. Uhhh! Say, you got any of that rapster 50 Cent?

KATZENBERG: I've never heard of him.


KATZENBERG: I don't know.

LORRAINE: Well, that's your loss there, Dr. Ketchup. Kep-Cap. Ket. Kitten.

KATZENBERG: Katzenberg.

LORRAINE: Kit-Kat...Kat...soap.



KATZENBERG: Dr. Katzenberg.

LORRAINE: Well, let me tell you. If your cat's gonna burp, you're probably givin' it too much milk! Uhhhh!

KATZENBERG: Alright, I'll remember that. Have a seat.

LORRAINE: Uhhhh. Yeah.

She sits down and begins to bounce up and down on the chair.

KATZENBERG: If you could not ride that like a hobby horse...

She picks up a teeth device and begins to bang it against the metal tray.

LORRAINE: God, that's cute.

KATZENBERG: Don't do that. That's a curette.

LORRAINE: Been looking for something like that, I've had an itch between my blades all day.

She sticks it down the back of her shirt and scratches.

KATZENBERG: Please, that's sterile.

LORRAINE: Yeah, so is my husband Carl. Ever since he spilled that hot cup of soup on his danglers.

KATZENBERG: Are you ready to sit back? Just scoot back all the way there.

LORRAINE: You don't have any stirrups on this one, huh?

KATZENBERG: No, we don't. Not unless you have teeth in your vagina.

LORRAINE: Yeah, you know. I'm not real sure about that. Just never been one of them curious gals that wants to get a look at her own gully. Uhhh. (picks up another tool) One of these would sure be useful for that, huh?

KATZENBERG: Yeah, I suppose so. Why don't you go ahead and do it?

She sticks the little mirror object into her pants.

LORRAINE: Cripes, it's like watching Jaws 3.

KATZENBERG: Sit back, please.

Her feet begin to bounce nervously.

KATZENBERG: You nervous?

LORRAINE: Yeah, I'm a little nervous.

KATZENBERG: Here, I'm going to give you something to relax. This'll help you relax? Ready? OK. (slaps her in the face) There you go? Better?


She slides down in the chair while his back is turned.

KATZENBERG: Please sit all the way up.

He tries to help her up.

KATZENBERG: What are you made of lead?

LORRAINE: Not very strong? Kinda limited your occupation choices, didn't it?

KATZENBERG: Yeah, yeah. It's really hard for me to lift a 200 pound sack of s***.

Lorraine looks down and adjusts her sweater. Mo tries to hide her uncontained laughter. A moment later, she lifts her legs into the fetal position for a moment. Katzenberg pushes her legs down.

KATZENBERG: Okay, I'm going to start with a gentle cleaning.

Mo is still giggling.

KATZENBERG: Are you having a seizure?

LORRAINE: I did a little giggle gas before I got here.

KATZENBERG: I'm going to start, and I'm going to use this.

LORRAINE: Yeah, yeah...

He sticks the suction device into her mouth.


He tries again, and twice more, but her coughing gets in the way.

KATZENBERG: Would you put that in yourself, please?

LORRAINE: Put that in myself, boy, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that.

Instead of putting it in her mouth, she puts it up to Katzenberg's face.

KATZENBERG: Are you having fun?

LORRAINE: Not really.

KATZENBERG: That's going in your mouth. (she puts it on his ear) That hurts. (pause) That's dirty now. That's filthy dirty.

LORRAINE: Huh? Just clean it off, spritz it off with the water there.

She sprays the tip of the suction device with water, spraying Dr. Katzenberg at the same time.

KATZENBERG: Lorraine, stop it! You know, that's it. I want you out. I want you out of my office. Get out!

She continues to spray him with the water.

KATZENBERG: Get out of my office.

LORRAINE: You need one of those balloons on top of your head, and I'd win a plushy!

He takes the water sprayer from her, and points it back at her, spraying it into her open mouth.

KATZENBERG: You like that? How does that feel?

LORRAINE (coughing out water): UHHHH!


He pushes her out.

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