[MADtv] The Lillian Verner Game Show (#1014)

[AngelasBraces]

Carol Finney- Mo Collins
Broccoli Top- Jordan Peele
Gail Sinder- Stephnie Weir
Simian Dyson- Michael Hitchcock
Dale Briskett- Paul Vogt




Simian: It's the Lillian Verner Game Show! Hi! I'm Simian Dyson! Hey, do you want to win the most fabulous prizes in the whole wide world? Well, you've come to the wrong place! *laughs* I don't know why, but that just tickles me! Ohhhhh, I am sweating! Boy, never mix Ovaltine and ecstasy! This show is sponsored by the Lillian Verner catalogue, filled with products that even a hobo wouldn't want, such as this hilarious football mask! Use this PIG skin to cover your PIG face! Or, how about these chocolate panties? Slip on this edible lingerie and have a ball... Or two! And here's your host, a man I respect, but don't admire, Dale Briskett!

Dale: Hello everybody! Hey, Simian, check out my Lillian Verner t-shirt! It says "I don't need an encyclopedia, my wife knows everything!"

Simian: Does she know you're gay?

Dale: Cinnamon toaster strudel, let's meet the contestants! Okay.... Broccoli Top, it says here that you are a prop comedian! Any relationship to Carrot Top?

Broccoli Top (with fake ax sticking out of head): Why thank you for AX-ing me that question!

Simian: *laugh* What an AX-hole!

Dale: Carol Finney, it says here that you have never, ever, celebrated your own birthday!

Carol (Mo laughs throughout her explanation): That is correct, I, uh, I can't put on a party hat because I was born without a chin, so it makes.... *tries to put on hat, it gets caught on her teeth, then hits her in the nose* My father was a turtle.....

Dale: And now, here's our returning champion, it's Gail Sinder! Gail, I'll bet your family is real proud of you!

Gail: Oh, they're watching right now.... They're all cats. Um... I wanna say hi to my calico cat, Billy Ray Sypuss, and uh, oh, god, I can't forget, uh, Kitty Couric, uh.... Uh... Purris Hilton, she's a real sweetie. Umm... Umm.... I'm leaving somebody out and there's gonna be piss on my pillow if I do..... This game show is really all I got... You people are my family, I saw Simian at the grocery store, and he punched me in the throat (?). I just wanna, I just wanna be in on the queer jokes..... What'do I gotta do?

Dale: Contestants! Hands on your buzzers!

Simian: All contestants will be buzzing in their answers on the Lillian Verner baby head lawn ornaments! Perfect for those childless couples who have a yard!

Dale: Apple pies with ice cream sides, I'm glad I never had kids!

Simian: That's because two men can't make a baby!

Dale: All right, contestants, hands on your baby heads! Name this product!

(Simian is holding a long red tongue shaped object)

*baby noise* (Mo looks startled and hits her buzzer)

Dale: Uh, yes, Carol!

Carol: Is it the Lillian Verner, comically large shoe fff- horn?

Dale: Noooooo *baby noise* Yes, Gail?

Gail: It is the Lillian Verner tongue chew dog toy.

*bell sound*

Dale: You are absolutely correct! Final round! Contestants, you have to guess what Lillian Verner product Simian is now wearing!

(Simian has a pink condom shaped hat on)

*baby noise*

Dale: Yes, Broccoli Top!

Broccoli Top: Hmmm... Let me C (pulls out large letter C), what could it B (pulls out B)

Simian: (holds up the letters P and U) We're sorry, Fox made us change it, we know it's not as funny as *beep* you. (Simian shrugs and waves)

*baby noise*

Dale: Yes, Carol.

Carol: Is it the Lillian Verner rain protector for your Abraham Lincoln top hat?

Dale: Ooh, Carol, I'm sorry, that's wrong!

Carol: Damnit!

Dale: Please do not swear!

Carol: I cannot catch a break! Cannot catch a break.

Dale: Keep your chin up, chin up, Carol!

*baby noise*

Dale: Gail!?!?

Gail: Uh, okay, I'm gonna take a stab and say it's the Lillian Verner condom shower cap, but the way he's got that on, somebody's gonna get knocked up!

Dale: That's absolutely right! Gail Sinder, you're our champion one more time! Simian, tell her what she's won!

Simian: Gail, you've won the Lillian Verner rabbit dress up vac! With your vaccum cleaner..... (lifts rabbit drape off of vaccum) and your rascaly rabbit, now you own two things that suck! And, the Billy Bob pacifier! You'll laugh out loud when you see your little one looking like an inbred Texan! (he puts it in his mouth)

Dale: Good night!





Outtro


(Mo is geting her makeup on)

Mo: Tell me, do I look pretty in this sketch, though? What I really wanted to do is come back and just do the pretty roles.... You know, just trying to get more work as a pretty person in Hollywood.... (she either sees a mirror, or the makeup guy says no, she says: ) Ouch.