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Old 07/27/2004, 11:50 AM
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Default The MADtv Sketchies - Season 9 - Final Results




Loudspeaker: Ladies and Gentlemen... Welcome to the 2003-2004, Season 9 MADawards!!!!

*applause from audience*

Loudspeaker: And now, your host for the night...

















SUSANNNN SARRRRRANDON!

*standing ovation*

Susan: (entering stage left) Oh. Thank you! No no. I’m not the-

*burst of cheers*

Susan: I’m not what’s important tonight!!! Tonight we honour the-

*more cheering*

Susan: Tonight we-

*even more cheering*

Susan: TONI-

*a unison of fans: “WE LOVE YOU SUSAN”*

Susan: SHUT UP!

*dead silence*

Susan: *nervous laughter* ummm. Right. Oh god. Uhh just roll the opening credits






Loudspeaker: Ladies and Gentleman, once again give a warm welcome to Susan Sarandon!

*crickets chirping*

Susan: Oh boy. Ummm ok. Its been four years now since I was last on MADtv, but I still continue to watch every Sunday night-

Off-Stage Voice: Saturday!!!

Susan: Saturday! Every Saturday night. And let me tell you that Ms. Swan is a riot!

Off-Stage Voice: Ms. Swan isn’t on the series anymore!!!



Susan: Ok, ok! So maybe I haven’t watched MADtv in the last little while, but I’ve been busy with acting-

Nicole Sullivan: (Enters stage left) *Vancome Voice* Tchaa You Know What? Uh-Uh. Yeah, could you tell me just what exactly you’ve starred in these past few years?

Susan: Uh well ok... The Banger Sisters

Nicole: The Banger Sisters? Haven’t seen it, but I guess the title would pretty much sum up my reaction! (Bangs head against a wall) I hate this movie, I hate this movie, I hate-

Susan: Nicole...

Nicole: Tchaa You Know What? The name’s Kathy Wajanowski there, Miss Movin-On-Down-The-ABCD-List-of-Celebrities.

Susan: Cut it out, ok?

Nicole: See you used to be an A-list Celebrity, but now that you’ve sunk so low as to hosting this crappy awards show, I’d say you’ve hit rock bottom: D-List.

Susan: This is exactly like you Nicole!! You always take things too far-

Nicole: Ok, I can’t hear you. (plugs ears) Ah-La-La-La-La-La, Ah-La-La-La-La-La...

Susan: It’s disrespectful to me, and to all the people watching. You can’t treat me like this-

Nicole: Ah-La-La-La-La-La, Ah-La-La-La-La-La...

Susan: (punches Nicole)

*gasps*

Nicole & Susan: “We’re Kidding, We’re Kidding!”

Susan: Alright enough fooling around lets get the show on the road! (Susan and Nicole make their way over to the podium)

*wild cheering*

Susan: (Looks at audience) Don’t start with me!

*wild cheering calms to applause*



Susan: Lets’s take a look at the first category of the night, “Best Looking Male”.

Nicole: Over the years MADtv has had some smokin’ hunks as part of it’s ensemble cast. Like, umm... uh.

Susan: Well there was... uh... that... ahhhh what’s his name (thinking) Jimmy! That’s his name! Jimmy!

Nicole: Jimmy!? Who?

Susan: You know... Jimmy! Jimmy Fallon.

Nicole: Yeah, thats SNL...

Susan: Ohh Right! They’re a riot, eh?

Nicole: (glares at Susan)

*audience murmurs*

Susan: Uhhh *nervous laughter* Here are the top 5 nominees for best looking male:

Ike Barinholtz
Keegan-Michael Key
Michael McDonald
Josh Meyers
and Ron Pederson

Nicole: And the winner is.....

(opens envelope)

Nicole & Susan: FRANK CALIENDO!!!!

*singing* We’re Kidding, We’re Kidding!

(cuts to Frank sitting in the audience, looking upset)

Nicole: Season 9's best Looking Male is...

by a landslide....

JOSH MEYERS!!!!

*applause*

Josh: (Gets up from seat; walks towards podium. Hugs Nicole and Susan, taking award from Susan. Approaches microphone) Oh... Wow. Thank you- so much for this. Uh wow. I didn’t really prepare anything uh... (pulls out a long piece of paper from his pocket) Thank you to my hair designer, Jean Marq Koosk-Koosk... uhh- My girlfriend Missi Pyle, for putting up with all those crazy bitches who threatened your life if you didn’t leave me alone.

*silence*

Josh: *sadly* She, uh- She’s in the hospital right now.
Anyways, Thanks to all the fans, and uh.. I’ll see you next year!!! (turns to leave) Oh wait a minute.. *laughs* No I won’t!!! I got FIRED!!! *angrily* YEAH, THANKS A LOT FOR NOTHING, QUINCY JONES!!! YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU CAN GO FU

STANBY SCREEN

Josh: Yeah, thats it... Oh one more thing.. FU—

STANDBY SCREEN

Josh: (exits stage left)



Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentlemen, here to present the award for “Best Looking Female”... oh boy, uh- the winner of the “Best Looking Male” award... Josh Meyers.

*moderate applause*

Josh: (enters stage left; still fuming) This is FU—

STANDBY SCREEN

Josh: —ucking top 5 nominees are:

Mo Collins
Danielle F***ing Gaither
Nicole Parker
F***ing Melissa Paull
and Gillian F****** ****** ******* **** *********************************** Vigman

(rips open envelope)

The F***ing Winner is...

MO F***ING COLLINS F***

*applause*

Mo: (looks surprised; gets up from seat and walks up to podium in shock. Desperately tries to pry the award from Josh and eventually wins.) Umm, thank you for that wonderful speech Josh!

Josh: F*** YOU!



Mo: Oh wow! I was not expecting this- *laughs* uh... oh my. I’m 39!!! This is not sexy anymore!

*catcalls from the audience*

Mo: But apparently, uh... you think different!

*wild cheering from audience*

Mo: Umm, thank you so much!!! (exits stage left)

Loudspeaker: We’ll be right back with more of the Season 9 MADawards!

BACKSTAGE

Alex: Hello everybody!! Alex Borstein here with Will Sasso-

Will: Its Will and Alex... Together Again!!!

Alex: Thats right, uh we were asked by FOX to give full coverage on whats going on behind the scenes... we said no.

Will: But see FOX, uh FOX still has rights to us until we’ve been off the show for a total of 5 years. So we were legally forced into doing this!

Alex: Yeah, exciting! Oh look, here comes Mo Collins! Mo just won the award for “Best Looking Female”!

Will: Lets uh, Lets see if we can get her to talk to us.

Alex: Alright! Mo! Mo Collins! Mo!

(Mo looks over; and then looks away)

Alex: Mo! It’s Will and Alex! Mo!!

Mo: (holds up one finger; signaling that shes too busy)



Alex: Okay then... Uh well, lets get back to awards! (holds a smile) Are we off? Good... This SUCKS!

ONSTAGE

Loudspeaker: Welcome back to the Season 9 MADawards. Here to present the next award is your host, Susan Sarandon!



Susan: “Best Recurring Male Character” recognises the humour and originality brought forth by a single male recurring character. The top 5 nominees are:

Roy Shank of the Feuding Parents Sketches
Stuart Larkin
Marvin Tikvah
Sean the Floor Leader
and Dale Briskett, host of the Lillian Verner Game Show.

And the MADdy goes to...

(opens envelope)

Stuart Larkin played by MICHAEL MCDONALD!!!

Michael: (gets up from seat and walks up to the podium; hugs and takes award from Susan) Uhh thank you. (turns to leave)



*crowd cheers: “DO STUART!!”*

Michael: No, no.

*DO IT!!!!*

Michael: No, I’m not going to do Stuart, ok!

*STUART!! STUART!! STUART!!*

Michael: *screams* NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

*crowd gasps*

Michael: Uhh... I mean... *sighs* fine. *Stuart voice* Look What I Can Do!

*crowd goes wild*

Michael: (exits stage left)

BACKSTAGE



Alex: (looking at the monitor) Wow... He looks pissed.

Will: Yeah. I wonder why...

Alex: I have no idea... Hey! Hey Michael!!! (waves at Michael) Do Stuart!!! Michael! Michael? Fine then...

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Recurring Female Character” please welcome, Ms. Swan

*applause*

Alex: What!? (looks at monitor)

Bobby: (dressed up as Ms. Swan; enters stage right) *Swan Voice* Ohhh Tanks To You, Tanks To You!

Alex: Oh My God! Is that Bobby Lee!? What The Hell! That’s my character! (runs onstage) Bobby! Bobby!

Bobby: No, no, no... (points to himself) Ms. Swan.

Alex: Cut the crap Bobby, What’s going on?



Bobby: I don’t know...

Alex: Bobby! I’m Ms. Swan, you’re NOT!



Bobby: *low voice* Yeaahh Okayy (does the Ms. Swan wink)

Alex: You know what!? AHHHH! (jumps on Bobby’s back, trying to knock him down. The two fall to the floor and roll all over the stage in a fight.)

Loudespeaker: Here are the Top 5 nominees for “Best Recurring Female Character”:

Lorraine Swanson
Trina
Agnes Pemonte from the 7am Condo Report
Dot Goddard
and Angela Wright

And the winner is.... It’s a tie!!! between...

MO COLLINS’ LORRAINE SWANSON AND TRINA!!!!!

*applause*

Mo: (gets up from seat, walks towards podium stepping over Alex and Bobby still fighting on the floor) Oh wow. Umm, I just love these characters so much so its such an honour for them to both win. Uh, I want to share this with Stephnie Weir–

(cuts to Stephnie sitting in the audience; She smiles at the camera)



Mo: Her characters are just something entirely new and original and uh they never get old. Thank you. (exits stage left)

Loudspeaker: Ladies and gentleman, here to present the award for “Best Male Impression”, please welcome a man of many voices himself, Pablo Francisco!

Pablo: (enters stage right) Hello! Thank you, ahhh boy. What a night, eh? Some pretty big stars here tonight... Like Arnold, Governor Schwarzenegger. He’s a HUGE star... literally. I’m like the size of his bicep. I went to his website... uh, *Arnold voice* Schwarzenegger.com.
And uh, its one of those sites, that you know is done completely by the celebrity... and thats what makes it so sad, because they write all this fantastic crap about themselves, Aries you have one like that.

*laughter*

Pablo: *laughs* anyways so I’m at *Arnold voice* Schwarzenegger.com. and I see this poll in the bottom left corner. And the poll says, what do you think Arnold will be remembered as most in 100 years... and your options are –I’m not making this up– *Arnold voice* an action star, a bodybuilder, a businessman, a politician,
or... a HERO. (looks bored at the camera)



Really? A hero? When did Arnold save someone’s life? Did I, did I miss that day?

*laughter*

Pablo: So I clicked on the results button, and even sadder is that there’s only one vote for the poll... and it of course belongs to you-know-who... and its under the category... “Hero”. (makes shocked face)

*laughter*

Pablo: Thanks you guys are great! Here are the top 5 nominees for “Best Male Impression”:

John Madden
Rod Roddy
Andy Rooney
Kim Jong-Il
Clay Aiken

And the winner is....

(opens envelope)

John Madden by FRANK CALIENDO!!!

*applause*

Frank: (gets up from seat and walks towards podium, shakes Pablo’s hand and takes award) I wanna thank all of the fans of MADtv, um its because of you we’re going into season 10, and its because of you I’m getting this award. So thank you so much. (exits stage right)



Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Female Impression”, Mary Scheer!

*applause*

LONG PAUSE

Loudspeaker: Uhh... Mary Scheer!!!

*moderate applause*

BACKSTAGE

Alex: Ha! I love it when things get screwed up!



Stage Manager: Where’s Mary!?

Director: We haven’t heard from her... Isn’t there anyone else who can present?

Stage Manager: (looking at Alex) You.... Bornstein

Alex: It’s Borstein actually.

Stage Manager: Whatever, get out there.

Alex: Oh! No no no no! (Stage Manager pushes Alex out on stage) Uh... hi everyone!



(looks at cue cards; reads lines very horribly) Here are to- the top nominees, top 5 nominees....

...for “Best Impression”...

...by a female:


*whispers* Am I supposed to read these?

Uh... ok

Jenny Jones
Barbara Bush
Madonna
Ellen Degenneress
and Renee Zellweger

And the thingy goes to...

fumbles with envelope; drops it; bends over with difficulty to pick it up; and then finally opens it

Ellen Degenneress... by Nicole Parker...

*applause*

Nicole: (gets up from seat; walks towards podium; hugs and takes award from Alex and brings her over to the podium) *Ellen voice* Oh... well, uh thank you uh... you... hi!!



Alex: *Ellen voice* Uh.. No, uh not at all hah... It uh, its uh you know... you... YOU.... hah well...

Nicole: Oh well... thank you very much... and uh thank YOU very much (signals to audience), and uh thank you... you thank... heh... thanks... you. Thank you (exits with Alex stage right)

Loudspeaker: Stayed tuned for more of the Season 9 MADawards, with appearances from Corky and the Juice pigs, Andrew Daly, Debra Wilson, and many more, after the break.

BACKSTAGE

Alex: Heyyy! Was I great out there or what!?

Will: Yeah... uh, terrific! (makes a face while Alex isn’t watching)



Alex: Thank you, thank you! Oh wow.. I just felt like whoah!!! you know? I bet they’re gonna ask me to HOST next year after that! Huh? Huh? God that was good!!!

Will: Actually Alex...

Alex: Yeah?

Will: Uh... nevermind.

Loudspeaker: Welcome back to the show, here to present the award for “Best Red Carpet Hosts” Will Sasso and Alex Bornstein!!!

Alex: It’s BORSTEIN!!! (enters stage left with Will)

Will: Hi everybody! As I’m sure you’ll all agree, Alex and myself are King and Queen of the Red Carpet...



Alex: And we all know Will’s the queen... *laughs*

Will: Ohhh you! Anyways uh, its obvious that no one will ever do as good of job on the red carpet as us.

Alex: Yup, Not gonna happen!!! Do we sound cocky?

Will: Nooo... Anyways, lets see the nominees who “tried” to top us:

Alex: Bastards...

Ike Barinholtz and Aries Spears
Mo Collins and Paul Vogt
Ike Barinholtz and Ron Pederson
and Mo Collins and Aries Spears

Will: And the winner is...

(opens envelope)

MO COLLINS AND PAUL VOGT!!!

*applause*

Paul: (gets up from seat and goes to meet Mo at her seat; they embrace in a hug and make their way to the podium; they receive congratulations from Will and Alex and take their awards) Thank you!!!! YESSS!!!



Mo: *laughs* Yeah... uh... what he said! I just... me and Paul... oh god, we’re like best friends!

Paul: Friends? I was hoping for more than that...

Mo: Ohh... well... (looks dreamily at Paul) I uh... (they engage in a huge kiss)

Will & Alex: Oh my!!! (steps back)

Paul: Oh... are we still on?

Mo: We’re just fooling around... uh thank you everyone!!! Mommy loves you Cullen!!! (exits with Paul stage right)

Loudspeaker: Ladies and Gentlemen, here to present the award for “Best Guest Star” please welcome the number one guest star herself, your host, Susan Sarandon!



Susan: (enters stage left) Season 9 of MADtv brought an astounding number of almost 40 guest stars this year! With that lets see the top 5 of those:

Phil Lamaar
Orlando Jones
Will Sasso
Nicole Sullivan
and Alex Bornstein

BACKSTAGE

Alex: Oh that BITCH

ONSTAGE

Susan: And the MADdy goes to...

(opens envelope)

Your friend and mine... NICOLE SULLIVAN!!!

Nicole: (gets up from seat and walks towards podium; pretends to trip on her way up the stairs and then turns and smiles at the laughing audience; kisses and hugs Susan; takes the award)



YEAH!!! Wow this rocks! Thank you so much to all the people who voted, and thanks to the producers for letting make these little cameos. And uh keep on rockin’! Maybe I’ll win again next year!! (exits stage right)

Loudspeaker: Ladies and Gentlemen, CORKY AND THE JUICE PIGS!!!

Sean: (enters with Phil and Greg from stage left) Hellooo.

Phil: We are Corky and the Juice Pigs

Greg: And we KICK ASS!!!

Sean: As you know we made a number of appearances on MADtv in its earlier days...

Greg: Which is why we’re here to PRESENT....

Sean: *drumroll* Dadadadadadadadadadadada...

All: BEST MUSICAL GUEST!!!

Phil: And the nominees are:

Mya
Sean: Whoah!

Chingy
Greg: Cha-Ching!!

West Side Connection
Both: (make random rap signs)

and Ruben Studdard
Both: ROO ROO ROO!!!

Sean: And the Winner issss...

(opens envelope; nods, and then walks off stage)

All: (shouts from backstage) MYAAAA!!!!

*Music plays: “My Love is Like Wo!”*

Mya: (looks surprised; laughs; gets up from seat and walks toward podium) Wow, uh thanks for that Corky.



This is really an honour... umm you know, this whole show is just something entirely new and fresh, and I am really happy to have had a part of it. Thank you! (exits stage left)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the Award for “Best Music Video Parody”, Michael McLoud and Jasmine Wayne-Wayne

BACKSTAGE

Alex: God, I HATE those two...

Will: Tell me about it. But their music is pretty good...

Alex: Yeah, true.

Michael: (enters stage right with Jasmine) Hi! Hello!

Jasmine: (Jasmine waves)



Michael: Hi, and thank you!

Jasmine: ...and thank YOU, it’s hi and thank YOU *putting emphasis on YOU*

Michael: Yeah, I- I got it.

Jasmine: YOU got it...

Michael: Whatever, we are here to present...

Jasmine: No, no we’re here to sing a song

Michael: No, sorry Jasmine not this time.

Jasmine: Yes...

Michael: No.. Ok, Jasmine? WE’RE HERE TO PRESENT THE AWAR-

Jasmine: *sings in a quiet voice* you are the one that I love...

Michael: Nooo I don’t think so Jasmine.

Jasmine: *sings in a mock-Michael voice: high pitched and loud* YOOOUUU ARRRE THHHE ONNNEE THATTT I LOOOVEEE!!!

Michael: No- wait, was that supposed to be me? Jasmine!?

Jasmine: Here are the top 5 nominees for “Best Music Video Parody”:

Michael: JASMINE!!!!

Jasmine:
Prostitution
Hey MAD!
Me against Madonna
***** in the *******

Michael: (gasps at Jasmine’s swearing)

Jasmine:
and Neverland Ranch

and the winner is...

(goes to open envelope)

Michael: Let me do that! (snatches envelope; tries to open it but struggles to succeed in doing so)

Jasmine: (smiling) Do you want some help?

Michael: NO! (continues to struggle)

Jasmine: Here... (takes envelope and opens it with ease) Do you want to read it?

Michael: Yes... (takes envelope back) And the winner is...

Jasmine: ME AGAINST MADONNA!!! A parody of “Me Against the Music” with NICOLE PARKER as Britney Spears and MO COLLINS as Madonna!!!

Michael: (looks sad)

Nicole: (gets up from seat where she is met by Mo; they hug and head towards the podium. They take the award from Jasmine who is still ignoring Michael) Oh wow! Whoo! This was, the first you know “REALLY BIG” thing that I did with MADtv, and I was so nervous and Mo was just so kind and helpful, and I wouldn’t want to do it with anyone else.



Mo: Ohhh. Thank you, Nicole. You know we had so much fun doing this video, and it looks like our hard work payed off, so thank you! (exits with Nicole stage right)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best TV Show Parody”, please welcome the head Executive in charge of Executives at FOX, Liz Whitman Goldfarb and her assistant Dustin!

Liz: (enters stage left) Huh huh huh huh huh hi!



Dustin: Hello

Liz: *smacking gum* We are here... here to present the award

Dustin: *whispers secretively* Yeah, they- they already know that...

Liz: I see, well then... lets cut to the chase shall we? Huh huh huh hah. Here are the top 5 nom– *cell phone rings* Dah dah, uno momento

Dustin: It’ll just be one minute.

Liz: *talking into cell phone* Liz Whitman Goldfarb, FOX executive in charge of executives.... Hi!!! How are you? No, nothing important anyways... Ok... Ok... Good, Great, Terrific! Ok Becky, Bye Bye. Sorry about that, here are the top 5 nominees for “Best TV Show Parody”:

Boy Meets Goy
Queer Eye for the Strange Guy
Vancome Bachelorette
Gabmore Girls
and Cold Case

and the winner is...

(opens envelope) Ok, here we go...

GABMORE GIRLS!!! Huh huh huh hah! A parody of the WB’s Gilmore Girls with Mo Collins, Bobby Lee, Nicole Parker, and Paul Vogt!

Bobby: (gets up from seat; meets with others; goes up to podium) This is crazy!!! Not crazy good, not crazy bad, just crazy!!! *laughs*

Liz: Look at you guys... Let me tell you something ok, you guys deserve this. That was terrific, ok? Huh huh huh huh hah! Excellent!

Mo: (Looks at Liz funnily) You look familiar...

Paul: Thanks to everyone who voted! *Blows a kiss: Mwah!* (exits with others stage right)

Loudspeaker: We’ll return with more of the Season 9 MADawards after this short break.

BACKSTAGE

Stage Manager: Miss Smith, you’re on in 5.

(camera pans over to reveal a skinny Anna Nicole Smith, thanks to her Trim Spa diet.)

Anna: Mmm thank-you. Uhh I’m hungry... You got any rice crackers?

Stage Manager: I’m not sure, why don’t you check out the buffet table?

Anna: Ok, thank you. (heads to buffet table) Mmm, this looks good. Excuse me, can anyone tell me how many carbs this has? (pointing to a huge turkey, potatoes, ribs, steak, and chicken) Hello!? What’s this? (looks at a sign that says “<== STAGE N ––––– STAGE O==>”)



Anna: Stage O? Hmmm... That must mean that this has O carbs. Mmm come to MAMA!!! (dives in head first to buffet)

ONSTAGE

Loudspeaker: Welcome back, now here to present the award for “Best Commercial Parody” Miss Anna Nicole Smith!

Anna: (stumbles onstage; has overindulged so much that she has ballooned back to her regular fat self) Hiiiii! Mmm, Last year I hosted... the “Commercial Countdown” and... now I’m back this year to present the award for “Best Commercial Parody”, and I’m in better shape than ever.



*audience murmurs*

Anna: Here are the top 5 nomimininees: *giggles*

GAP Hag
Snuggles the Fabric Softener Bear goes –*yawns*I’m horny– on a Bloody Rampage
John Madden for Vagisil
OnStar: Britney Spears
and Payless: Star Jones

and the winner is...
(eats envelope open)

It’s a tie... between SNUGGLES THE FABRIC SOFTENER BEAR GOES ON A BLOODY RAMPAGE *yawns* and ONSTAR: BRITNEY SPEARS

*applause*

Stephnie: (gets up from chair; meets with Nicole and heads towards podium. Takes award from Anna Nicole)

Anna: *mutters to Stephnie* I hate you.

Stephnie: Oh umm, ahh... awkward! I’m really sorry Anna, for all the times I made fun of you last year... but you... you look... great! (fake smiles)

Nicole: I just want to say that I think the true winner here is Stephnie in the Snuggles commercial. She just took that sketch that had hardly any dialogue, and that could have bombed easily, and made it hilarious.

Stephnie: Oh, thank you, Nicole. And uh, thanks to all of you! (exits stage left with Nicole)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Movie Parody”, a movie star herself, your host, Susan Sarandon.

Susan: (enters stage right) Movies are really something special. They bring us joy, make us feel happy, or even sad sometimes. They break our hearts, and strengthen them. They make us laugh, but what makes us laugh even harder is the parodies of some of the most popular movies that MADtv does.



Susan: Here are the nominees for best “Movie Parody”:

Freddy vs. Jason vs. Snuggles
The Lords of the Bling: The return of the Bling
Bowling for Christmans
Hulk 2: Me Out of the Closet
Kiss the Twisted Eye of the Beholder
and The Wizard of Oz: There’s No Place Like Home

and the winner is

(opens envelope)

THE WIZARD OF OZ: THERE’S NO PLACE LIKE HOME

Keegan: (gets up from seat; meets up with Josh, Nicole, Jordan, Paul and Stephnie; they hug and head towards the podium, skipping hand in hand à la “The Wizard of Oz”; take their awards from Susan) WHOOO!!! Thank you all!

Josh: FU–

STANDBY SCREEN

Josh: But seriously, all kidding aside... FU–

STANDBY SCREEN

Jordan: Uh... ok. Thank you everybody, keep watching next year!

Paul:We had a lot of fun doing this sketch so it’s nice to know our hard work payed off. Thank you!

Nicole: Like Paul said, I had a blast doing this sketch so thank you for recognizing it.

Stephnie: Like Josh said, FU–

STANDBY SCREEN

Stephnie: *laughs* I’m only kidding... Thank you!

Loudspeaker: Please welcome Governor Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver.

Arnold: (enters stage right with Maria) Ahhgg Yeah Hee All Ya

Maria: Hello everybody!



Arnold: Maria!!! Maria!!!

Maria: Yes Arnold?

Arnold: We are here to present the award for “Best Political Satire”!!! Ahhggg Iyyya Ohhh Ga!

Maria: That’s right, Arnold...

Arnold: Because I am the best Action Hero ever!!! Ahhhggg Yeah Ga!

Maria: No...

Arnold: And because I am sexy! Yeah.

Maria: No Arnold, No! We’re here because you are the governor of California.

Arnold: Noooo!!!

Maria: Yes Arnold! Will you listen to me?

Arnold: Shut up Maria... You Flathead!

Maria: Ok, I’m just gonna read the nominees ok?

Arnold: Yeah, Hurry up Maria!!! Ahhgg Yeahhg!!!

Maria: Ok, I will. Here are the nominees for “Best Political Satire”:

California Recall Debate
and American Political Idol

and the winner is...

(opens envelope)

CALIFORNIA RECALL DEBATE

*applause*

Ike: (meets up with Bobby, Michael, Aries, Ron, and Frank and heads toward podium) Thanks to everybody who voted!!

Aries: Thank you, this means alot!

Bobby: *Connie Chung voice* I know what “Thank You” means!! (exits stage right with others)

Loudspeaker: Please welcome your host, Susan Sarandon.

Susan: (enters stage left) A One Off Sketch is a sketch that does not depend on Impressions or Parodies. It doesn’t include recurring characters, and the sketch itself is not recurred.



The sketch can go from “Crazy as Hell” to “Taco Hell”, from “Postal Workers going Postal” to “Babysitters being Mutilated”. With that, lets take a look at the top 5 nominees for “Best One Off Sketch”:

A Football Thing
Mexican Mariachi Band
Hidden Family Videos
Taco Hell
and Innapropriate Assembly Behaviour

and the winner is...

(opens envelope)

TACO HELL!!!

*applause*

Keegan: (gets up from seat; meets up with Daniele; they head towards the podium where they are joined by Ron, Bobby, Gillian, Jordan and Frank; they take awards from Susan) I know you guys are probably getting sick and tired of all the “Thank you’s” so uh here’s something new... Your Welcome! (exits stage left)

Loudspeaker: Please Welcome Frank Caliendo and Nicole Parker, winners of the award for “Best Impression Sketch”.


Frank: (enters stage left with Nicole) *John Madden voice* You know uhhh I- I- I- If uhhh, uhh, We got the job of presenting this great award!! I mean isn’t that GREAT!!?? Hah hah! Uhhh...



Nicole: *Ellen Degenneress Voice* Heh... yes thats uh, heh right... uh John... uhh, here is the Top 5 nominees for uh, for uh, “Best Impression Sketch”:

Rod Roddy’s Lunch Date
Saffron Johnson
Connie Chung on E!: Kate Hudson’s Baby Shower
The Hip Hop Sock Shop: The Olsen Twins turn 18
and uh Letters to Lincoln


Frank: Hey we were in Letters to Lincoln!!! Hah heh!

Nicole: Thats right uh... lets hope we win!

Well uhh... the winner is...


*opens envelope*

Look at that... ain’t that envelope cute?

Anyways uh the winner is...

CONNIE CHUNG ON E!: Kate Hudson’s Baby Shower!!!


*applause*

Gillian: (gets up from seat; meets with Mo, Paul, Bobby, Josh, Stephnie, and Daniele; they head up to the podium where they are united with Nicole and Frank) I just want to say on behalf of everyone that we love this. We absolutely love this... I mean how many people actually get to have this much fun with what they do? Its just a blessing, an absolute blessing. Thank you... and to Keegan... Your Welcome!!! *laughs* (exits with others stage left)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Recurring Character Sketch”, please welcome the winners of the “Best Recurring Characters” award, Mo Collins and Michael McDonald.

Michael: (enters stage left with Mo) Hello! As you know Mo and I won the award for “Best Recurring Character”



Mo: Thats right, so appropriately, we are here to present the award for “Best Recurring Sketch”. With that, lets take a look at the Top 5 Nominees:

7am Condo Report: #1
Stuart: Sees a Therapist
Angela: Staged Home Videos
Lillian Verner Game Show: #1
and Stuart: Next Door

and the winner is...

(opens envelope; smiles and begins to cry; passes envelope to Michael)

Michael:

7AM CONDO REPORT: #1!!!!

*wild applause*

Stephnie: (runs onstage with Daniele, Ron, and Paul; they all join Mo in a group hug)

Michael: Okay... I don’t if they’re going to be able to say anything... (the group is all crying out of happiness) ummm... *laughs* This sketch was praised as one of the Best Sketches in MADtv history, so it obviously deserves this award... Do you guys want to say anything?

Stephnie: (walks over to podium; wiping tears from eyes) Oh boy... Uhh... We wanted this award so bad, and we just worked so hard on it... so it means a lot *cries* as you can probably tell... uhh so thank you! (passes out awards; exits stage right with group)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Encore Sketch”, your host, Susan Sarandon.

Susan: Hello everybody!



Susan: For those of you who don’t know, an Encore Sketch is a popular sketch from a past season that is played again. Here are the top 5 nominees for “Best Encore Sketch”:

A Wedding Story
Angela’s Racism Project
Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! Excuses! ‘98!
Public School House Rocks: Nouns
and Oprah’s Thinning Camera

and the winner is...

(opens envelope)

OPRAAAAAAAAH!!! *laughs* OPRAHS THINNING CAMERA!!!

Debra: (gets up from seat and literally runs over to Stephnie’s seat, before Stephnie can even get up; she pounces on her in a hug; they meet up with Paul and Ike and head towards the podium; they take their awards from Susan) *in Oprah Voice* WOW! YES! HELLO! THANK YOU! *laughs* Oh boy... I just wanna say that I’ve only been off MADtv for a year and I already miss it, so this kinda hurts because it’s a reminder of all the fun I had on the show... uh, so yeah... I Love You! (exits with others stage right)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Writing by a Castmember”, Alex Bornstein

Alex: (enters stage left) Hello, I’m Alex BORSTEIN, and I was asked to present the award for writing, because as you may or may not know I contributed a lot to the MADtv writing department during my 5 year run.



Alex: So here are the top 5 nominees for “Best Writing by a Castmember”:

Mo Collins for “Lorraine: Happy Trails”
Michael McDonald for “Stuart: Next Door”
Michael McDonald for “Stuart: Poker Game”
Stephnie Weir for “Hidden Family Videos”
Stephnie Weir for “Mrs. Campbell: Emergency Room”

and the winner is...

(opens envelope)

STEPHNIE WEIR FOR “HIDDEN FAMILY VIDEOS”!!

*applause*

Stephnie: (gets up from seat; walks toward podium; hugs and takes award from Alex) Thank you so much for this, it really truly does mean a lot to me... I just love both writing and the acting so... to be recognized for it is flattering. Thank you. (exits stage right)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Most Improved Castmember”, please welcome Alex Bornstein and Andrew Daly.

BACKSTAGE

Alex: What? Wait! Me and Andrew??? Why am I presenting the award for most improved?? What exactly are they trying to say? That I suck?

Will: I don’t know... You better hurry up and get onstage though...

ONSTAGE

Alex: (joins Andrew onstage)

Andrew: Hey Alex! Isn’t it great to be presenting this award?

Alex: *sarcastically* Yeah, real great.

Andrew: Well why don’t we take a look at the top 5 nominees?:

Ike Barinholtz
Daniele Gaither
Josh Meyers
Ron Pederson
and Paul Vogt

and the winner is...

*opens envelope*

IKE BARINHOLTZ!!!

Ike: (for some reason looks happy; gets up from seat; jumps up and down; heads towards podium) Oh man! Thank you SO MUCH!!! I am so happy right now!!

Alex: Ike!!! This award means you sucked! It’s not a good thing!

Ike: What are you talking about?

Cameraman: Hey how about a photo of all the losers?

Ike & Andrew: Yeah!!!

Alex: This sucks.



BACKSTAGE

Alex: (coming from offstage) Will! Can you believe that? Why the hell was I out there?

Will: I- I don’t know.

Stage Manager: You’re on next.

Alex: Oh ok.

Stage Manager: No, just Will.

Alex: Oh...

Stage Manager: But you’re on after him, ok?

Alex: Alright, thank you.

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Performance”, please welcome Will Sasso!

Alex: Will!?



Will: Yeah, I have to go... (hurries onstage) Hello! Thank you! Alright I am here to present the award for “Best Performance”. The nominees are completely open, so anyone can win. I have the envelope right here.



(lights fade down) *drumroll*

Will: The winner of the MADdy for “Best Performance” in Season 9 is...

(opens envelope slowly)




Boy, does she ever deserve it...




NICOLE PARKER’S PERFORMANCE IN “SNOW WHITE AUDITIONS”!!!

*wild cheering*

Nicole: (puts hands in face; dries eyes; gets up from seat; and walks toward podium; hugs Will and takes award from him)

Will: You absolutely deserve it! Singing, Acting... You got it all!

Nicole: Thank you... So much. *cries* I promised myself I wouldn’t cry! Ohh... I- I’m speechless... just... thank you, so... much. (exits stage right)

Loudspeaker: And now the award for “Worst Performance” presented by Alex Bornstein!

BACKSTAGE

Alex: WHAT THE FU–

ONSTAGE

Alex: (gets pushed onstage) This is CRAP!!! Uhh... I mean, hello... again.

Alex: I’m here to present the award for “Worst Performance”... which to me doesn’t really make sense... I mean, why wouldn’t they get someone like Andrew to present this? Why am I doing it... I didn’t have any bad performances. I was the best thing that ever happened...

Loudspeaker: Alex, if you wouldn’t mind...

Alex: Oh right, sorry. *clears throat*

(lights fade down) *drumroll*



Alex: The recipient of the MADdy for “Worst Performance” of Season 9 is...

(opens envelope)







IKE BARINHOLTZ IN HITPROV: ROMEO AND JULIET

Ike: (acts happy again; jumps up and down; and heads toward the podium; hugs Alex and takes award) Oh man... thank you... everybody!!! I- I- I don’t know what to say, I’m too happy right now!

Alex: IKE! This award isn’t a good thing. Its for the WORST PERFORMANCE

Ike: Whatever!! I got an award!!!

Alex: Oh my goodness.

Ike: Thank you *cries* (exits stage right with Alex)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Featured Player” please welcome MADtv’s longest running Featured Player, Craig Anton!

Craig: (enters stage left) Hello everybody! I’m Craig Anton, the recipient of the “Best Featured Player” award, and now I’m here to pass on the trophy. Oh. What’s that? I’m not the “Best Featured Player”? Ok then. Ouch. *laughs* Ok here we go. Here are the results:




(opens envelope slowly)





Once again,


NICOLE PARKER!!!

*applause*

Nicole: (gets up from seat; receives hugs from other featured players; heads towards podium; hugs and takes award from Craig) Oh wow. Uhh, this is getting really overwhelming now. Uh... I- I- I have to say something this time... uhh wow. Thank you to my fellow cast mates because I truly believe that you’re only as good as you are because of your competition. Its not like we’re at each others throats, because we really are just one happy family, but its because of these great people that I try my hardest to be my best. Thank you (exits stage left with Craig)

Loudspeaker: Here to present the award for “Best Male”, please welcome once again, Will Sasso.

BACKSTAGE

Will: Oh! I’m on! (heads onstage)

Alex:Will??? Best Male? Hmm, well then I’ll probably get to present “Best Female”... it only makes sense...

ONSTAGE

(lights fade down) *drumroll*



Will: Ok, here we go. This is the big one. The MADdy for “Best Male” of Season 9 goes to:

(opens envelope)




The one and only...


...Well actually theres more than one of him...


You know who I’m talking about...



MR. MICHAEL MCDONALD!!!

Michael: (gets up from seat; walks towards podium; hugs and takes award from Will) Wow, let me just say that it has been an amazing 6 years, and I have had the time of my life on MADtv. Thank you! (exits stage right with Will)

BACKSTAGE

Alex: Ok, Will, wish me luck!

Will: For what?

Alex: I’m presenting the next award, “Best Female”...

Loudspeaker: To present the award for “Best Female”, please welcome Debra Wilson!

Alex: What!? Debra!!! I thought... but... DAMN IT!!! WHAT THE FU-

ONSTAGE

Debra: Hello everybody!! It’s great to be here tonight. I have the pleasure of announcing the winner of the award for “Best Female”. So, lets get to it!

(lights fade down) *drumroll*



Debra: The MADdy for “Best Female” of Season 9 goes to...

(opens envelope)




Oh you guys are never gonna believe this...






My Girls!!!! MO COLLINS AND STEPHNIE WEIR!!!! It’s a tie!!! Unbelievable!!!

Stephnie: (runs over and hugs a tearful Mo; she whispers something in her ear; they head over to the podium together; they both hug Debra and take their awards) This is a dream come true!!! I am so happy!!

Mo: There is no one who I would rather share this award with... Steph has just taught me so much

Stephnie: Oh whatever! I’ve learned so much from you!!! You’re the veteran!

Mo: Well we’ve learned from each other, and had a lot of fun while doing it. So thank you! (exits stage left with Debra and Stephnie)

Loudspeaker: To present the final awards of the night, please welcome for the last time, your host, Susan Sarandon!

Susan: Two awards remain: “Best and Worst Sketch”. So, why don’t we start off by giving out the award for “Worst Sketch”

(lights fade down) *drumroll*



Susan: The MADdy for “Worst Sketch” of Season 9 goes to:

(opens envelope)






FUNKENSTEIN AND THE WEREWOLF HOOKERS

Jordan: (gets up slowly; walks up to the podium with Aries, Daniele, Keegan, and Ike; they take their awards from Susan; Ike once again looks happy, but the rest of the group isn’t) I see what you voters are doing here. Voting for the black sketch, huh?

Keegan: Yeah, you bunch of racists...

Aries: *in white voice* “Oh they’re black, they’re not funny...

Ike: I’m not black...

Daniele: Shut up! Well you know what else isn’t funny? Racism. Racism ain’t funny!

Keegan: We’re just playing with you all! See you all next year! (exits stage left)

Susan: That leaves one category remaining... “Best Sketch”. The MADdy for “Best Sketch” of Season 9 goes to:

(opens envelope)





As if we haven’t had enough ties tonight, we have another one...









7AM CONDO REPORT #1 AND THE LILIAN VERNER GAME SHOW #2: VALENTINES DAY!!!!

Mo: (breaks out in tears; gets up where she is surrounded by Stephnie, Ron, Daniele, Michael, Paul and Michael Hitchcock; they all hug and head up to the podium; they take their awards from Susan) I think we’ll let Stephnie speak on behalf of everybody since she’s the tie between the two sketches. But first I want to say that this is the 3rd time I’ve cried tonight, but I’m not usually this big of a baby... *laughs* Steph?

Stephnie: On behalf of everyone, not just the people up here, but the whole cast and crew, I just want to thank you guys for voting, but more importantly watching every week, because thats what keeps the show going. And uh, these sketches, they’re just something completely new and totally wacky, and we had a lot of fun with them... as you probably noticed *laughs* So thank you co much for enjoying them. Thank you! (exits with group stage left)

Susan: And thank you so much for voting, and for tuning in tonight... Goodnight!








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Last edited by ef_7; 03/12/2005 at 10:39 AM.
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  #2  
Old 07/27/2004, 12:00 PM
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I must say, I'm surprised with the results of Best Sketch. IMO Lillian Verner #1 was better than the second one... oh well lol
What are everybody's thoughts?

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Old 07/27/2004, 12:38 PM
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I personally think there was a wee bit of Biased voting going on........But that's just me......

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Old 07/27/2004, 1:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by Scorpiogrrl2003
I personally think there was a wee bit of Biased voting going on........But that's just me......
I agree with that... Mo was only on half of the season and she won 10 awards for that???
But hey, I'm not the voter

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Old 07/27/2004, 1:21 PM
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Quote:
Originally posted by ef_7

I agree with that... Mo was only on half of the season and she won 10 awards for that???
But hey, I'm not the voter

Yeah.....I know. I didn't really vote for her all that much.....I think at the most 3 or 4 times.

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View Post Old 07/27/2004, 2:08 PM
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  #9  
Old 07/27/2004, 2:11 PM
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yeah me too. anyway congratulations to mo all in all and steph. they both deserve top honors.
And Nicole too! Pretty good for a featured player... Best Performance

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  #11  
Old 07/27/2004, 3:27 PM
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yea lol, mo, steph, and nicole won everything! lol haha

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Gawwwdd, thats cute
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Old 07/27/2004, 3:38 PM
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HA that was really funny ef, I laughed out loud alot!

Only like 3 ones I voted for won, but that's because I didnt become a fan of MAdTv until half the season was already done, and even then I didnt watch it most Saturday nights. I only saw like 4 or 5 episodes, so my ballot was pretty limited. But still, Mo and Steph deserved all their awards, even if Mo was only there for half the season, she still stands out as one of the best.

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Old 07/27/2004, 4:11 PM
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HA that was really funny ef, I laughed out loud alot!
LOL, thank you!!

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Old 07/27/2004, 4:47 PM
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WOO go Mo and Steph! ef, that was REALLy funny. Especially when Jasmine and Micheal came out. LOL "its thank YOU"
but how come next to Aries and Ike it says they had a total of 0 awards?

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Old 07/27/2004, 4:50 PM
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Because Ef deducted awards for every Worst Award they got


So Since Ike got 2 Good awards, after EF deducted for the 2 Worst awards, that left Ike w/ 0 awards............same with Aries

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Old 07/27/2004, 4:56 PM
MOtastic Female MOtastic is offline
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ah ok. I guess the script was so good i just wanted to find flaw

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  #17  
Old 07/27/2004, 5:15 PM
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LOL, I made sure to double check everything over before I posted it... just in case
imadork

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Old 07/27/2004, 5:31 PM
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Yeah you are lol i dont have the patience to double check anything I do unless it's 3 sentences or less LOL.

You did a great job

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Amen to that!

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  #19  
Old 07/27/2004, 6:22 PM
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Was everybody surprised about who the host was?

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Old 07/27/2004, 6:30 PM
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I was.............LOL

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