[MADtv] Marvin Tikvah: Chubby Chaser (#922)

[Princess PeachC]

Marvin Tikvah: Chubby Chaser

Marvin: Michael McDonald
Cassie: Stephanie Weir
Brandon: Paul Vogt

(Cassie and Brandon are sitting on a bench in the park. Cassie is pulling on Brandon’s arm begging)

Cassie: But Brandon, I don’t understand. We have such a good thing going.

Brandon (trying to break free from Cassie): Cassie, I’m sorry, but it’s over.

Cassie: Give me one good reason Brandon.

Brandon: Because, Cassie, you only want me for my body! Admit it Cassie! You’re a chubby chaser.

Cassie: And what is wrong with that?

Brandon: I refuse to be a sexual object! (starts walking a way) Goodbye Cassie!

Cassie: No Brandon! No! Come back Brandon!

(Marvin walks up to bench)

Marvin: Excuse me. (Crowd cheers) Excuse me, do you know where the pretzel cart is?

Cassie (weeping a little): It should be along any minute.

Marvin: Oh good, I walked over here all the way from the ice cream cart. My blood sugar is running lower than Ashton Kutcher’s IQ. (Does a little giggle) I think I need to sit down.

Cassie: Oh well, this seat is available.

Marvin (Pointing to Cassie’s nose): What about this seat? Ahhahahahaha (Shakes her hand) Marvin Tikvah (Sits down) Oh god. Damnit, it is hot!

Cassie: Well, I bet its because you are wearing this sweat suit.

Marvin: Sweetie, when you weigh as much as I do, everything is a sweat suit. Ahhahahaha. That is why I came out here to the park. Eat some ice cream, exercise and maybe score some speed. Ahhhahhaha.

Cassie: Ah, don’t tell me your trying to lose weight.

Marvin: Well, I thought it would be a good idea, since the only way that I can have a proper medical exam is if I am floating in a pool. (laughs)

Cassie: Well….

Marvin (interrupting): Think about it, it will come to ya.

Cassie: Well, I think you are perfect the way you are.

Marvin: Ahhh, I love drunk girls.

Cassie: I am not drunk, um, I’ll be honest, I like large men.

Marvin: Sweetie, hold the phone, I ain’t large every where. I’m hung like a hermit crab. And my testicles are the size of mitochondria. That’s a subatomic particle, that’s pretty small.

Cassie: I didn’t know that, but I laughed anyway. Hehehe. Boy your fat and funny.

Marvin: Sure. Guilty. Ahhahaha.

Cassie: I’m Cassie, and I am really attracted to you.

Marvin: ‘Comon!

Cassie: No, seriously.

Marvin (pulls down glasses): ‘Comon!

Cassie: You could kiss me if you want.

Marvin: This is fantastic! Man alive! I mean even the prostitutes I hire won’t even let me kiss them on the mouth. (Leans in to kiss Cassie) ‘Comon. (Kisses her and gets hit in the nuts with a ball) Oowwe.

Baseball player: Sorry about that, man. It was an accident.

Marvin: It was an accident? What about the nipple piercing? Was that an accident? ‘Comon. (throws ball at his chest) (Picks ball back up) Hold on a second. (throws ball the player’s chest again) (picks it back up and throws it at his crotch)

(Baseball player leaves)

Marvin: Sorry, it was an accident. Did you see that guy? Man, he had balls of steel.

Cassie: Ugh, and he had a six pack. (Puts hand on Marvin’s stomach) I prefer a keg. Kiss me?

Marvin: Sure, Uh, this is fantastic, I haven’t even given you any GHB yet. (kisses Cassie) (Gets hit with another ball in the chest.) Oooowwwe.

(Volleyball player comes into the scene)

V. Player: Hey, sorry about that bro. I was just practicing my spikes. Could you ah, could you give me a little help with that?

Marvin: Yeah, sure, you just stay put sweetie! I’ll get it. (Tries to get up.) (still trying) (Cassie helps push him) (finally gets up and then falls to the ground)

(Cassie goes over to Marvin and he rolls over on her leg)

Cassie: Oh, my leg, my leg. (she removes her leg) So, Marvin, are you okay?

Marvin: Yeah, I think my gut broke my fall.

(Cassie throws the ball back to the volleyball player)

V. Player: Anways, hey, thank-you. Um, we’re playing some mixed doubles, and your sexy and I want you to be on my team.

Cassie: Oh, beat it skeletore.

(Volleyball player walks away) (Cassie helps Marvin up.) (She tries pulling him up and he falls back down)(She finally got him up)

Marvin: Cassie, lets say we finish this back at my house before I die!

Cassie: That sounds great, eh and I can make you some dinner, what’d you, what’s your favorite food?

Marvin (thinking): Eh, macaroni and scotch. Kiss me. (Kisses Cassie and gets hit in the leg with another ball)

(Swimmer dude enters the stage)

Swimmer: Sorry man, just practicing for the Olympic water pool team.

Marvin: The Olympic, there’s not even a freakin pool here, buddy!

(Brandon enters again)

Brandon (running): Cassie! Cassie!

Cassie: Brandon!

Brandon: I was half way through a foot-long sub and I realized what I hunger for…is you.

Cassie (Turning her head to marvin): Oh, I’m sorry Marvin, goodbye.

(Brandon picks up Cassie, and mumbles as he runs out)

Marvin: Goodbye lesbian!

Swimmer: Wow! Tough break man.

Marvin: Your telling me. Where am I ever gonna find someone with such smooth skin and big breasts? (Looks at the swimmer dude and thinks) Come to think of it, do you want to play some water polo in my Jacuzzi?

Swimmer: No man!

Marvin (grabbing ball from guy): ‘Comon.

Swimmer: No!

Marvin (Dropping ball): ‘Comon.

Swimmer: No! (bends over to pick up ball)

Marvin (pointing to the guy’s behind): Nice!

(Swimmer runs off, and the scene closes)