Go Back   Planet MADtv > Our Database > MADtv Repository > MADtv Transcripts > Appearance Transcripts
Register Members List Mark Forums Read


Thread Tools
Old 05/05/2009, 12:52 AM
tvmanismadformad's Avatar
tvmanismadformad Male tvmanismadformad is offline
It's gonna happen
Contributing Editor
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 3,751
Default Ike Barinholtz (Rita Rocks: "The Crying Game")


Fly: Ike Barinholtz
Rita Clemens: Nicole Sullivan
Owen Delgado Junior: Ian Gomez
Frank: Alex D├ęsert
Harry: Ben Falcone
Jay Clemens: Richard Ruccolo
Patty Mannix: Tisha Campbell-Martin


(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

When [...] is used, that means that the transcript is skipping ahead to a scene that involves or effects Ike.


Ike Barinholtz plays a friend of Rita's husband Jay, Fly in the Rita Rocks episode called "The Crying Game".


To save time, this transcript will only involve scenes Ike is directly, or indirectly involved in.

Even though this show also contains former MADtv alum Nicole Sullivan, this transcript will only focus on Ike's role.


(Inside the Clemen's kitchen. Rita is pouring chips into a bowl. Owen walks in).

Owen Delgado Junior: Is Jay home yet?

Rita Clemens: No, no he's not home yet, but the guys are in there. Come right in.

Owen Delgado Junior: I'd, I'd rather wait for Jay. Since he's bringing me into his poker game I was hoping he'd introduce me. Did I overdue the cologne?

Rita Clemens: No, no (sniffs and repels). Maybe just a little.

Owen Delgado Junior: I know I should have sprits and walked into it (does motion while saying line).

Rita Clemens: Why are you so nervous?

Owen Delgado Junior (Sigh): Since I lost my job I've been home with the kids (ruffling shirt). It's my only chance to make friends over the age of 5.

Rita Clemens: Well these guys are great, here, come here, I'll introduce you.

Owen Delgado Junior (Drying Himself with a Sponge): Alright, just don't mention I'm a house husband, I want to make a good first impression.

Rita Clemens: Then I don't know why you went with the man clogs (Rita and Owen enter the living room).

Hey Harry, Fly, Frank this is (Phone rings) O, better get that.

(Owen watches Rita leave with a concerned look on his face. He looks back to the group).

Owen Delgado Junior (Nervously talking and waving the sponge): Hi I'm Owen.

Frank: What's with the sponge?

Fly: Why don't you wipe down a seat and join us, sponge boy.

(Everybody laughs except for Owen. Owen sits down).

Frank: Hey, you wanna beer?

Owen Delgado Junior: I should probably hold off. Too much beer makes me gassy (whispering to self). Stop talking, stop talking, stop talking!

(Scene shifts to Rita in the kitchen, talking on the phone).

Rita Clemens: Alright stay invisible. Love you (Rita walks into the living room). Hey guys, Jay's stuck at the office, he said start without him.

Harry: Hey Fly, you work at the same place, if he's stuck there why are you here?

Fly: Because I'm very efficient at my job. Plus I'm 1/8th Cherokee, so (laughs)

no one’s firing me.

Harry: This is going to be weird, we always play with 5 guys.

Frank: Hey Rita. Why don't you fill in till Jay gets in?

Rita Clemens: Oh no, no guys, I haven't played since college, so I'm like really rusty.

(Realizing Rita's a weak player. They quickly make room for her. Frank moves towards Fly).

Harry: Come on. It'll be fun. It'll be like riding a bike.

Frank: Yeah. And taking money from a baby.

Fly: Ahh.

Rita Clemens (Walking Over to the Table): Well I don't know I guess I could, you know sit down and see if I remember anything. Alright boys, what aya say we start off with a little no limit Texas Hold'em, $40 buy in, 1,2 blinds (picks up ace of diamonds card). Ohh, ohh look the diamonds are so pretty (smiles).

(Scene shifts to later in the evening).

Frank: Your action Rita.

Rita Clemens (Sighs): All in

(Everybody sighs).

Frank: Call.

Fly: She's a maniac.

I'm in.

Harry: I'm in.

Owen Delgado Junior: And I'm... Folding again.

Fly: Kind of like how you fold laundry while your wife’s at work.

(Everybody laughs. Owen takes a drink of beer in anger).

Rita Clemens: So, I've got 3 callers huh. Looks like I am up the river without a paddle, which is a bummer because I have a (flips cards over) a full boat.

Fly: No!

Rita Clemens: Ahh!

Fly: No!

Rita Clemens (Pulls Chips Towards Herself): That's right. Sorry boys, mama had pocket queens.

(Table is reset).

Harry: Hey you guys, I've got my daughter this weekend. Any ideas about a movie I could rent for an 8 year old? The ex went nuts when I took Emily to see The Dark Night.

Owen Delgado Junior: I know what you mean. Nightmares for months.

Frank: So you took your kid too?

Owen Delgado Junior: No.

(Everyone looks at Owen oddly).

Rita Clemens: You know what the great movie is Charlotte's Web. It's a really great story. By the end everyone was crying, even Jay. Your daughter will love it.

(The men look at each other in curiosity/joy).

Harry: Oh that's great. Thanks Rita.

(Jay walks in the front door).

Jay Clemens: Hello ladies,

sorry I'm late.

Rita Clemens: Hey, who you callin a lady?

(Everybody laughs).

Frank: Yeah, that's a nice trick Jay. Pretend you’re working late so your wife can fleece us.

Jay Clemens: Ha ha.

Rita Clemens: Honey, I kept your seat warm (Rita gets up). Gentlemen, it was a pleasure taking money from you, and just so you know Owen (Jay puts his jacket on the back of the seat). You lick your lips when you have a good hand.

(Rita leaves for the kitchen. Owen realizes he's doing that right now, and puts his tongue back in his mouth. Jay sits in Rita's spot).

Jay Clemens: Alright Ri, thanks for keeping the table pretty, because things are about to get ugly.

Frank: So uh Jay, how’s your hand. Uh is it good or is it something you’re going to cry over.

(Everybody laughs except for Owen and Jay).

Jay Clemens: Trust me, you’re the one that's going to be weeping, when I win that shirt off your back. Of course with that much back hair, you don't really need one.

Frank: Ohh

(Everybody laughs).

Harry: Hey Jay, there's a house for sale down the street you should look at. I hear it's got a crying room.

(Everyone laughs except for Jay).

Fly: Hey Dakota Fanning called, and she wants you to man up.

(Everybody laughs).

Jay Clemens: Wait, wa, wa, what are you talking about?

Frank: Oh Rita told us how you cried during Charlotte's Web.

Jay Clemens: Ohh.

Owen Delgado Junior: Yeah, but I saw it. I mean if you can get through that movie without shedding a tear then (everyone waits for response).

Your names not Jay!

(Everybody laughs except for Jay).

Fly: Ohh (Everybody fist bumps)! There you go!

Harry: Alright!

(Owen takes a drink of beer).

Fly: Alright. (Scene switches to the end of the night. Jay is saying goodbye to everyone. He is shaking Fly's hand). Hey.

Jay Clemens: Alright

Fly: Goo goo ga ga.

Jay Clemens: Yes, alright (Fly leaves). Yeah, see you next week (Frank leaves). Alright, see you next week. Alright (Rita walks down the stairs, behind the door).

Harry (in Impish Voice): Night night.

Jay Clemens: Night night (Impish Voice Ends): Ha, ha. Very funny guys.


(After confronting Rita about the crying comment. Jay goes to work the next day only to find out that Fly has spread it all of the office with everyone calling him Cry-Jay-Bee. Just like that, Jay's plan of staying under the radar with his new boss is going up in smoke. Rita has now gone to a bar, McGrady's with her friend and band mate Patty Mannix, as it is the sight of their next gig. Rita is looking at the place, while Patty is looking at the menu).

Rita Clemens: This is going to be quite a step up from playing in my garage. And the best part is, there's no oil stains on the floor. Although I am scared to find out what that stain on the pool table is. I thought you said you weren't hungry?

Patty Mannix: I'm not, just seeing what kind of food people might throw at us if we play here. Uh-oh, buffalo wings, those are going to sting.

(Frank, Harry, and Fly can then be heard, looking stage left, groaning about an event that has just happened in a sporting event they are watching on television).

Rita Clemens: Oh great, Jay's poker friends. Quickly, let's get out of here before I break another sacred man rule.

(Fly walks over to Rita).

Fly: Rita.

Rita Clemens: Hey Fly, didn't see you over there in the corner, playin with all those other guys I didn't see.

Fly: Is Jay here?

Rita Clemens: No, no. He's home with the girls (Fly gives an interested look).

I mean he's not, he's not hanging out with them, he's just home, you know. Doin manly stuff like growin a beard. But I got to go. Jay has to go to the store and uh, you know get some tires. Yeah


Fly: Well uh, give him our best.

Rita Clemens: Will do.

Fly: Alright (Fly walks back over to the guys). Hey guys, I think Jay's at home, he's teething.

(Frank laughs. This grabs Patty and Rita attention).

Patty Mannix: Just keep walking, keep walking.

Frank: Or putting ointment on his diaper rash.

(Everybody laughs).

Patty Mannix: Go get 'em girl!

(Rita walks over).

Rita Clemens: Okay, you know what guys, you just need to grow up okay. All of your stupid stories are really making Jay's life miserable. In case you haven't noticed,

the economy is not so great right now, and your guises Cry-Jay-Bee joke could really threaten his job. And plus, even if Jay did cry just a little bit, he's more of a man than any of you guys, you know why, because a real man is not afraid to show his emotions.

Patty Mannix: And a real man doesn't tell you when he's on a business trip! When he's really down the street at a hotel, wriggling around on our dental hygienist!

On your birthday! When you’re visiting your mother in the hospital!

Rita Clemens (Whispering). Are, are you done.

Patty Mannix: I have more, but this really isn't the time or the place.

Frank: Look, look Rita were really sorry about Jay. And your husband.

Fly: And your mom.

Harry: We really like Jay. And I mean if he wasn't such a great guy we wouldn't bother ribbing him.

Frank: Yeah, yeah, I mean come on, Jay's our bud.

Fly: Yeah, but we get it alright. No more razzing.

Harry: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah.

Harry: Yeah.

Frank: Yeah, yeah.

Rita Clemens: Oh, well thank you. I, I appreciate that (to Patty). Come on, come on let's go.

Patty Mannix: No you go ahead. I'm a little turned on by the guy who didn't flinch when I was yelling.

(The person is Harry. Patty laughs).


(In the end, Jay's boss admires the fact the Jay can admit to crying, and gives him the firm's biggest real estate client. Transcript ends).


Rise from the Dead!

Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 05/06/2009 at 5:37 PM.
Reply With Quote


Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Rita Rocks mizzimad TV Shows 66 03/19/2010 1:03 PM
[MADtv] Get Ready to "Lock and Roll" with Ike Barinholtz! mizzimad Front Page News 0 10/31/2007 10:52 PM
[MADtv] The "Comedy" of Ike Barinholtz Mad Dog General Discussion 27 06/21/2004 1:32 PM
[MADtv] Mo Collins on "Ask Rita" Scorpiogrrl4405 General Discussion 2 10/22/2003 7:52 PM

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 5:16 PM.