[MADtv] Happy Happy Storytime Lady (#107)

[newt007]

Chamomile- Debra Wilson
Teacher- Ann Walker
Mary
Nicole
Orlando
Bryan


(Setting: In a classroom of children)
Teacher: Class, I’ve a special surprise for you today. Here to read to you is the Happy Happy Storytime Lady.

(Chamomile walks into the classroom)

Children: Yay! Yay!

Chamomile: Hey, boys and girls.Do you want to hear a happy story?

Children: Yeah! Yeah!

Chamomile: Good, 'cause I love telling happy stories and making children happy when I read 'em. (sits down in front of children) Now, this is a very special story about how people and animals can live together peacefully and happily! And it's called Mary and Fluffy Toes. Ha ha ha ha. (opens book and reads) "Now, once upon a time, there was a little girl named Mary."

Nicole: That's Mary! (points to Mary)

Chamomile: Well, that's wonderful! "And this Mary had a special pet lamb named Fluffy Toes. And they did everything together. And everywhere that Mary went, Fluffy Toes went, too. Now, when Mary went to the playground, Fluffy Toes went to the playground. When Mary went to the store, Fluffy toes went to the store. (Tone changes dark) Now, one day, Mary went to school and fluffy toes followed her. The teacher was delighted, because fluffy toes was a good helper. The children played with fluffy toes at recess. Now, after school, Mary and Fluffy Toes went to the meadow where they met Fluffy Toes' friends Curlilocks and Lambikins. (Tone becomes sadder) And they romped and they romped until they were all tuckered out. Then they went home, and Mary tucked Fluffy Toes into bed. And she kissed fluffy toes good night, and they went off to dreamland together. The end." (cries)

Mary: What's the matter, Happy Happy Storytime lady?

Chamomile: Don't you see? Fluffy Toes is so sweet.

Orlando: I thought it was a happy story. Why are you crying?

Chamomile: Why am I crying? Don't you know what happens to lambs?

Kids: No. No.

Chamomile: First... They club them in the head over and over again until the floor is red with their blood and the walls are splattered with their brains. And then they hang them on the hook and their carcass is opened straight up the center of their belly.

(Children start crying)

Chamomile: And then they rip out their little hearts and they rip out their little lungs and they rip out their little livers and then chop them into little pieces and wrap them in plastic just so your mommy can serve them to you for dinner!

Nicole: But they won't do that to fluffy toes, would they?

Chamomile: Oh, yeah? Ha ha. Well, here's fluffy toes—(grabs lamp chops out from bag) 2.39 a pound!

[Crying]

Mary: IT’S NOT TRUE! IT’S NOT TRUE!!!

Chamomile: Oh, yes, it is. It is. Yes, it is, MARY!

Children: Aah! Aah!

Chamomile: You know that bacon you had for breakfast this morning? It was Babe!

Bryan: Tell us a happy story, please?

Chamomile: I'm sorry. Shh! Shh! Shh! No, no, I’m sorry. I'm sorry.

(Mary looks enraged)

Chamomile: Shh! Shh! You see, sometimes when Happy Happy Storytime Lady reads a happy story, she gets unhappy. You see, Happy Happy Storytime Lady is bipolar. That means when Happy Happy Storytime Lady is happy, she's way too happy! And sometimes when Happy Happy Storytime Lady is unhappy, she looses it, so... Let's find... Let's find a story that's gonna make everyone feel happy, happy, happy again! Yay! (reaches in bag) Oh, look what I found. (pulls out a book) Ha ha ha ha ha. Now, "Once upon a time, way up in the frozen north, lived Henry, the baby harp seal. Now, Henry had a beautiful mommy and daddy. And he loved his mommy and daddy very much..."

(The children begin to cry)