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Old 06/28/2004, 1:56 PM
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Default Accounting with Milton Cladwell 1-3 (#303)


Milton Cladwell..................CHRIS HOGAN
Bill (voice)..........................WILL SASSO

Channel logo-
Announcer: Youíre watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.


Milton: Ever dream of becoming a professional accountant? I did, and I did something about it. And now you can too! Hello, Iím Milton Cladwell. And for the past 20 years, Iíve run my own accounting firm. And guess what Ė Iíve finally decided to offer a course in account management. Sound exciting? It is. By following my 5-step plan, in just weeks, youíll be able to put together a portfolio just like...

[He looks at his cluttery mess of a desk and searches for the portfolio.]

Milton: Just like this one...this isnít the right portfolio. Where is...Kathy! Where is the Larson account? I canít talk about tax portfolios when I donít have the right portfolio; it was here just 10 minutes ago. All this clutter. Dammit!

[He gets up]

Milton: Kathy, where is the portfolio? I need you to cover for me, and instead you make me look foolish! A man in my position canít afford to look foolish. I canít deal with this now, the cameraís running.

[He returns to his seat.]

Milton: Hello. You know, tax portfolios are only the beginning. Letís face it, dealing with your clientís personal finances can be a downright pain in the patootie. Not anymore, thanks to my 5-step organizational...

[He searches through the clutter of his desk once again.]

Milton: Oh, hereís my organization-, well, hereís step 5. Uh, Kathy? Where did you put the rest of the steps? I only have step 5. How are they gonna know whatís going on if they donít know steps 1-4? Dammit. [He gets up.] I am not going to get one darn client because of you! [text begins.] I want my desk cleaned up. I need people to believe I have it together!

Step 1: Organize a Financial Timetable
Step 2: Maximize your Potential
Step 3: Your Assets and You
Step 4: Plan your Focus and Focus your Plan
Step 5: Make your Files work for You

Milton: Hello? So...so, if someone you know is interested in the exciting world of accounting, then please call me at the number listed below [no number appears.] Iím Milton Cladwell, and remember, there are only two things in life you can count on Ė death, and accounting. Iím looking forward to your call at the number below. [no number.]


Channel logo-
Announcer: Youíre watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.


Milton: Hello, Iím Milton Cladwell Ė a professional accountant. And guess what? Iíve decided to offer a course in the exciting field of account management. Sound exciting? It is. By ordering my course, Accounting by Mail, youíll receive-

[He looks at his clean, clear desk.]

Milton: What happened to the papers on my desk? Kathy, I tell you to clean up my desk, and all you do is take the mess on top of my desk and shove it into my desk.

[Gets up.]

Milton: I put up a 401K for you, and this is how I get treated? This is what you do to me? I look like a buffoon. You help me find that packet or youíll be sorry!

[Sits down.]

Milton: Hello, hello. Just let me find one thing. You know, accounting is a constant discovery process. [takes a chunk of papers from his desk.] You know, it was Richard Leaky himself- Oh, my god. Kathy Ė you didnít mail the Intelecom quarterly taxes? Kathy? Oh, boy. These were supposed to go out last month. And thatís gonna cost them too many penalties. Dear God, Kathy. Intelecom will be cleaned out, and all because of you, you little beggar woman. I should beat you and hang you outside my office! Let pigeons peck your eyeballs out, to show everyone that I should not be taken lightly!

[Phone rings.]

Milton: Oh, Iíll get it. Cladwell Accounting?

Bill: Milton? Itís Bill!

Milton: Bill? Bill!?

Bill: Where are those quarterlies?

Milton: Bill, Iím telling you Ė itís a different Intelecom. [realizing heís on camera.] Oh, thatís funny Bill. Youíre always funny, you got the best ones on the block! Best to Muffin, bye, bye.

[He hangs up.]

Milton: So if anyone you know is interested in the exciting world of accounting, why donít you give me [phone rings] a call at the number listed below [1-800-555-0188]. Kathy Ė if Bill Tarbwell calls or stops by, Iím not here.

Bill [as Milton sets phone down on desk]: If you ever hang up on me again, Milton, you ugly, ugly man, you will be sorry!


Channel logo-
Announcer: Youíre watching Public Access, channel 54, Hartford, CT.


Milton [to side]: Iím sorry, Bill.

Bill: Open the door up, you son of a bitch!

Milton: Kathy, Kathy! Are the police her yet, Kathy!

Bill: Iím gonna kill you, Cladwell!

Milton: Did you even call them? Kathy! I said I was sorry, Bill. So stop all that pounding, huh? Kathy, do something!

[the door crashes open.]

Milton: Bill, what a surprise! You look fantastic. Have you been running? Kathy, get him! Oh, Bill, put the gun down. Iím not the bad guy, Itís Kathy! [5-step text scrolls.] Give me the gun! Blame it on Kathy. [gunshots.]

[A bloodied Milton sits down with the gun.]

Milton: It didnít have to come to this. And it wonít, for you, as long as you order Accounting by Mail now. Just call me at the number listed below [number appears.] The line may be busy, because Iíll probably be on the phone with my lawyer.

[dials on phone.]

Milton: Yeah, Frank? Milton Cladwell. I have a problem down at the office. I may be a mass murderer. Sure, Iíll hold.

[He thumbs up, as we END.]

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Last edited by MJB12; 07/26/2004 at 8:41 PM.
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