[MADtv] Alcoholic Support (#811)

[hellahellalala]

Sandy - Stephnie Weir
Dave - Michael McDonald
Friend 1 - Ron Pederson
Wife - Mo Collins
Dr. Joanne Gilbert - Debra Wilson
Friend 2 - Simon Helberg

(Open to a living room where Wife, Dr. Gilbert and Friend 2 are seated, and Sandy is peering through some curtains)

Sandy: Okay, here they come.

(Dave and Friend 1 enter the front door)

Dave: Thanks again for the ride home, I- (he notices everyone in the living room) hey everybody, what's going on? Sandy, what are you...

Friend 1: Dave, you wanna have a seat on the couch?

Dave: Sure. (He sits down in between his wife and Dr. Gilbert) What's going on?

Wife: Dave, this is Dr. Gilbert.

Dave: (confused) Dr. Gilbert?

Dr. Gilbert: Joanne, please. David, I'm a therapist in the substance abuse program called Mended Wing, and all these people are here because they love you very much.

Sandy: (tearfully) I do. I love you Dave and I haven't been able to tell you that.

Dave: Is this about my drinking?

Dr. Gilbert: Yes it is.

Dave: Okay, cause what I should say-

Dr. Gilbert: Okay, wait a minute, wait a minute. Now we do want to hear from you but first we're going to go around the room and we're gonna ask everyone to tell us how they feel about your drinking, okay.

Dave: You see that's just it, I stopped drinking.

(Everybody looks shocked)

Dave: I've been in a 12-step program for 3 weeks now and I have not had a drink, and I feel great, so....

(Everybody continues to look shocked and the room is silent)

Friend 1: You bastard!

Wife: How dare you stop drinking!

Dave: Honey, isn't this what you always wanted?

Wife: (angrily) No, not yet! This was supposed to end in a tearful hug fest at the end of the night.

Friend 2: But you ruined it. Thanks, jackass.

Sandy: You know, this is so typical Dave!

Friend 1: (putting his hands on Sandy's arms) Yeah. You know Sandy, Sandy came all the way from Chicago to read you a poem!

Sandy: And I don't have a Saturday stayover, they charge you full price if you don't stay over Saturday. That is eight hundred dollars Dave!

Friend 2: But what do you care, it's not your money.

Dave: I appreciate this, I really do.

Friend 1: And this doctor cost us five hundred dollars!

Dave: Well I'm sure you can get your money back. I mean, they can get their money back, right doctor?

Dr. Gilbert: (angrily) Not a chance.

Sandy: You see. It is like taking five hundred dollars and just throwing it into the street. Damn you.

Wife: (emotional) I baked lasagne. And I got the good bread from Garson. (she gets up)

Dave: Doctor would you help me out here, would you please tell them that this is a good thing?

Dr. Gilbert: You know what, they told me that you were manipulative but wow, this borders on evil.

Friend 1: You know, we planned this intervention for 8 weeks. I got all geared up to explode and NOW YOU'RE DENYING ME OF THAT!

Dave: Aren't you guys glad that I'm better?

Wife: Well played Dave. I knew you'd find some way to make this intervention all about you.

Dave: It sounds like you guys are mad at me for not drinking!

Friend 1: Very good Dave, that's exactly right!

Dave: (sarcastic) You know, that is great, that is just great. You know what, maybe what I should do is go find a bottle and start drinking, huh.

Friend 2: (slamming a full bottle down onto the coffee table in front of Dave) There you go Dave.

Dave: What is that doing here?

Friend 2: We were gonna force you to pour it down the sink.

Friend 1: It was gonna be a great moment but you ruined it.

Wife: So, why don't you drink it?

Sandy: He won't do it. He won't do it because that would mean doing something for somebody else.

Dr. Gilbert: Come on. (she does a chicken noise)

Dave: You guys really want me to start drinking? Honey, is that what you want? You want me to take another crap in the fire place like I did last January?

Wife: That was you?

Dave: Yeah that was me. I blamed it on nanna but it was me. (to Sandy) What about you? You want me to ruin another Thanksgiving by taking a turkey leg, ripping it off the turkey and banging your breasts to the NBC theme song. (imitates doing it) Ding, ding, ding. (to Friend 2) And what about you, you want me to go to another one of your daughter's birthday parties, do a headstand, shove a candle in my ass and say 'hey you're nine, blow this one out.'

Friend 2: Yes I do.

Sandy: Why don't you just do it for once?

(Everybody starts yelling at Dave and he finally takes a sip. They all crowd around him and start getting emotional and putting their hands on his shoulders)

Dave: (crying) Oh my god, oh my god I'm drinking again! You are all the reason that I'm drinking, it's your fault!

Dr. Gilbert: No, no, no, no, no. That's just the alcohol talking.

Wife: We're here for you Dave, we're right here baby.

Dave: Screw you, screw all of you, I'm going to a bar!

(He gets up and tries to leave but is stopped by Friend 1 and Sandy)

Friend 1: (pushing Dave back onto the couch) No, no, no! You are not going anywhere until you quit drinking! Sandy.

Sandy: (taking out a poem) This is entitled My Bottled Up Emotion. (reads) Dave stop drinking, this I beg, you cold cocked me with a turkey-

(Dave tries to lunge at her, yelling, but is held down by Friend 1, Friend 2 and Dr. Gilbert as the scene fades)