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Old 08/29/2004, 9:09 PM
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Location: Centennial, CO
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Default Stuart: Christmas (#511)

Sketch length – 6:54

Stuart Larkin...............................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Doreen Larkin.............................MO COLLINS
Shop Owner................................DEBORAH HARRY (gs)

The shop owner walks up to the door of her shop/restaurant, where someone in a puffy yellow jacket is waiting outside.

OWNER: Hi, can I help you?

STUART: I have to go potty!

OWNER: Okay, come on...come on in. Yeah, it’s right...it’s right over there-

STUART: Don’t!!!

OWNER: I was just trying to show you where it was.

STUART (to ground): Don’t!!!!

DOREEN (entering): Stuart, you get off that floor! Stuart, that is a brand new snow suit, now get up!

OWNER: I think I may have scared him. I’m sorry, kid, if I-

STUART (kicking her): DON’T!

DOREEN: Oh-o-oh! Now, Stuart, you get off of that floor right now and apologize to the lady for kicking her!

OWNER: It’s okay, he doesn’t have to apologize.

DOREEN: Oh, yes he does! Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who don’t apologize?

STUART: I don’t wanna say!

DOREEN: Say it!

STUART: I don’t wanna say!

DOREEN: Say it!

STUART: Little boys who don’t apologize get their stockings filled with elf poop.

DOREEN: That’s right! (increasing pitch) Now, if you don’t want a stocking full of elf poop, then you get up an apologize! Go on!

STUART (evil): I’m on my way!

DOREEN: Don’t you hiss at me!

STUART (evil): I’m not hissing!

DOREEN: Yes, you are hissing!

STUART (growling): Hahhhhhhhhh! (to Owner) I’m sorry I kicked you.

OWNER: Yeah, okay, apology accepted. So, what is elf poop like?

STUART (growling): Mmmmmmmm!

DOREEN: Oh-o-oh! Looks like my Cranky McCrankenheimer’s been in the car too long! Stuart, run to the biffy and hurry, we got to get to grandma’s house, go on! Skedaddle!

STUART: I’m on my way, don’t rush me!

DOREEN: Well, I didn’t think he’d be able to make it this long, he’s been tugging on his goo-goo for the last five miles!

OWNER: Well, it’s a good thing you got here when you did, I was just about to close up.

DOREEN: Oh, dagnabbit! I promised Stuart some hot cocoa! We normally spend Christmas at home, but Stuart’s father left us on Tuesday.

Stuart exits from the bathroom in just a t-shirt and his underwear.

DOREEN: Stuart, where’s your snowsuit?

STUART: I took it off. I thought I was going to make lemonade but it came out as brown bubbles.

DOREEN: Stuart, you have to be more careful with that snowsuit, it’s high quality! We got it from your favorite store. Ohh-o-oh! Sing the song for the nice lady about the store! Go on, well sing it for her.

STUART: Let me do it! (“singing”) Do you love it? I love it. I got it at Ross.

DOREEN: Well, isn’t he just so talented?

OWNER: He’s something...

DOREEN: Mama’s gotta go use the biffy, I’ll be right back...you behave yourself.

STUART (to owner): What are you doing?

OWNER: I thought I'd make you some hot cocoa.


OWNER: I don't want you to be sad for Christmas.


OWNER: It's not nice to be sad on Christmas.

STUART: You know what?

OWNER: What?

STUART: Look what I can do!

The dance.

OWNER: Whoa, that's really a neat trick. Well, here's your cocoa.

STUART: Thank you.

He takes a big sip, and gets whipped cream all over his nose and mouth.

STUART: Mmmm! (pause) Is that cake?

OWNER: Yeah, would you like a piece? Here, I'll get you a fork and-

She stops once Stuart grabs a piece by the hand and shoves it into his mouth. Doreen exits with his snowsuit.

DOREEN: Stuart, what's that in your mouth?

STUART (full mouth): Nothing. (spits it all out)

DOREEN: Stuart, what are you doing wasting all that good food?

STUART: It's coconut!

DOREEN: Oh-o-oh! Young man, you are one step closer to getting a stocking full of elf poop!

Stuart growls and drops to the ground.

DOREEN: Oh, look at that! He's having a sugar crash! Stuart, now get up and get your snowsuit, we gotta scootch! (tapping him on the rear) Answer me, Stuart! (to owner) I'm not hittin' him, I'm just trying to alert him. Don't go calling the cops, it's Christmas! Come on!

STUART: I can't, I'm in my dark place.

DOREEN: Oh, great!

OWNER: Excuse me, but I think I have a way to get him out of his dark place.

DOREEN: Well, be my guest!

OWNER: Okay. Stuart, do you like Christmas carols? Well, if I sing you a Christmas carol, will you come out of your dark place?

STUART: Try it.

OWNER (singing): Silent night, holy night...(Doreen "joins" in, singing terribly) All is calm, all is bright...(Stuart "sings" also) Round yon virgin, mother and child, holy infant (Owner leads them towards the door) so tender and mild. Sleep in heavanly peace, sleep in heavenly peace!

She shuts the door and changes the sign to "Close".

STUART: Look what I can do!

He gets cake icing all over the door.

DOREEN: Can you get us that snow suit? He's freezing his goo-goo off out here!

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