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Old 12/17/2004, 1:30 PM
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Default Monologue: Craig Anton (#205)

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Original Airdate: 11.02.96

Craig Anton .... Himself


(Comedian Craig Anton walks onto the stage, looking angrily and wearing only a towel.)

Craig: You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: When I drop my toothbrush near the toilet! Yeah! You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: Using it after I drop it by the toilet! Yeah! You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: When I get that little hangnail, that little piece of skin. I pull it, and I pull, and I pull...that little piece of skin past my ribcage! Yeah! You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: Hootie! I hate that guy! Hootie I hate, but I love the Blowfish. I love them! What are you doing with that Hootie guy? Get away from him! Run little blowfish, run! You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: Country music! Yeah! I dunno what country that’s from but it sure as hell isn’t mine! I’d like to get ‘em on a bus and...put ‘em in the bus and take them down to the equator, you know, put hats on ‘em and then ...put ‘em right out there and put honey on their hats and let the national guard of equator...land come out and just put their hands in vices so they have that little twangy drawl, that... gggyyeeeeaaaaa....Yeah!

(Someone on the set hands Craig a drink and he takes a sip.)

Craig: Thank you. You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: When my underwear goes way, way, way, way up my butt! No wait, I like that. You know what I love?

Audience: What?

Craig: Spring in Minnesota! Oh, when the snow melts, and there’s money and gold on the ground, or maybe Grandma after she ran away at Christmas time. But you know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: That guy on TV. You know that guy who’s always on TV, always going...on the TV, eeeee-eee-eee, he’s got that thing, ee-eee-eee on TV...I hate that guy! You know what I love?

Audience: What?

Craig: Halloween! There’s nothing quite like the look on a little kid’s face after he takes a bite out of a caramel covered onion! Yeah! You know what scares me?

Audience: What?

Craig: Vans with no windows! You know what I love?

Audience: What?

Craig: Kitten pie! Haha... Did I say kitten pie? I meant pecan pie. Pecan... You know what I hate?

Audience: What?

Craig: When somebody says something to you and you can’t think of something to say back to ‘em. Like that one time I saw the guy from TV, with the thing, you know, and he’s talking to me, and he says something to me and so I couldn’t...but I got something to say now. Shut up stupid!! Yeah!!

(The camera slowly zooms in on his face.)

Craig: That’s it.

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