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Old 02/03/2009, 3:01 AM
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Default Coach Hines Confesses his Sins #1-3 (#1406)


Bobby Lee: Joseph Yaminashi
Jeff Probst: The Priest
Keegan-Michael Key: Sandeval Hines
Matt Braunger: Careco


(When something is in brackets and in italics like so, that means that it is a descriptive moment)

Sketch #1:

(Joseph enters a confessional and does a cross)

Joseph Yaminashi: Bless me father for I have sin. Um, I was jealous of my friends video game, and I talked back to my mom, and I stole $35,000 from the school cafeteria, and um, you know as a priest, you're not allowed to tell anyone what I just said right, I mean I have immunity right?

The Priest: Well yes,

you do have immunity, but keep in mind that god knows what's in our hearts...

Sandeval Hines: Yaminashi! Wrap it up!

ok, look at me. Quit haggin the padre

and get out of here before I impale you on the steeple

of this church.

The Priest: Is everything alright in there?

Joseph Yaminashi: Sorry he's my coach, and I don't even play sports so that's weird.

The Priest: Ok my son, for your pennants,

I'd like you to say a 3 our fathers, and let's give the money back to the cafeteria ok.

Joseph Yaminashi: Too late I just spent it on strippers and liquorice so.

(Joseph leaves, and Sandebal enters)

Sandeval Hines: Bless me father

for I am about to sin!

The Priest: What, what do you mean?

Sandeval Hines: We- the, father, father, it's these kids, these high school kids, kids like Yaminashi, I want to kill these little dung nuts. And not simple killings either, I want to do like really creative killings, like in those Saw movies.

The Priest: I, I, I'm sorry I don't know those movies.

Sandeval Hines: Oh, you should see these movies your greatness,

there great, there fantastic. That Jigsaw guy in one of them, he makes this guy dig out his own eyeball to keep his head from exploding.

The Priest: Perhaps you should see these individuals as, as God's creatures?

Sandeval Hines: Ok, what I really need to know is how much I can injure one of God's creatures, and still not enter the eternal hot box.

The Priest: No, no, no, no, violence is never an option

Sandeval Hines: Not at all! These guys are ass nuggets over here. It's... (kicks out) you got to be... You wait here.

(Sandeval leaves the confessional)

The Priest: No, no, wait, wa...

Sandeval Hines (Outside of the Confessional): Yaminashi, come back here and bring Careco with you

(blows whistle)! Get in there right now. Get in there right now. Get in there Careco (Careco, Joseph, and Sandebal enter confessional) Get your little fat head in there. Now you tell this man, you tell this majesty right now! What you did to me yesterday!

Joseph Yaminashi: I don't want to!

The Priest: Ok, this is not how we do.

Sandeval Hines: Yaminashi! You and Careco, are going to tell his high holy one here what you did yesterday, or I will slice your head off with the edge of my house key, and then drown your face in the baptismal font!

Joseph Yaminashi: Ok, um yesterday we put crazy glue on coach’s whistle.

The Priest: I really don't think we should...

Sandeval Hines: Tell 'em now what you did after that!

Careco: We

Sandeval Hines: Go!

Careco: We, we, we mailed a wild boar to his house COD.

Sandeval Hines: There was a wild pig with horns, livin in my guest room! Unbelievable, and now tell him what you did after that!

Joseph Yaminashi: Well, we put a laxative in his Chocó puffs.

Sandeval Hines: Yeah, and tell him what you did after... Wait, when did you do that?

Joseph Yaminashi: This morning when you were in the teachers’ lounge.

Sandeval Hines: Ok, well that explains the

40 minutes of chocolate rain. Ok.

The Priest: Ok, ok, (Sandeval blows whistle from the other side of the confessional) whoa,

whoa, I think were done here.

Sandeval Hines: No, well, ya see what I'm dealing with here your presidency, can't you just give me the all clear on making Yaminashi eat broken glass or something.

The Priest: What you are suggesting is evil, and immoral.

Sandeval Hines: Whe, whe, whe, whe, whe, gah, what about an eye for an eye, that's in the bible isn't it?! Can't I just pop out Careco's eyes with a pencil and sasisa! sasisa! Pap, through his naval cavity pacisa! Pak, pop them out there! Just take Yaminashi and just pak, pop them out there, pak pak, switch them up, pak, pak pak, pak, pak, pak, pak!

The Priest: I want you to say an act of contrition.

Sandeval Hines: Uh-ha.

The Priest (Off-Screen): Three rosaries, (off-screen) and I seriously want you to think about your faith.

Sandeval Hines: No can do on that one (laughs) because I'm not so into the holy wiggady waggady stuff, that didn't work for me too much.

The Priest: Coach Hines, if you do not complete your prayers I will take the sash from my priestly vestments, and choke you with it until you're face bursts like a ripe plum

Sandeval Hines: Ok, now I'm gettin it. I'm feeling it now.

(The Priest appears through the curtain on the other side of the confessional)

The Priest: Coach!

If you do not do all your act of contrition, I will personally call God, and we will form a tribal council and rip your body limb,

from limb with the help of these 2, do you understand me!?

Sandeval Hines: You are definitely talking my language here, I like that a lot. Thank you so much, I will do those acts of contrition there. Get out of here you 2, get out of here.

The Priest: Let's go.

(Joseph and Careco leave)

Sandeval Hines: Before the holiness wares off, and I snap your spines on the back of a peub. Get out of here.

(Sandeval leaves. The Priest sits in the confessional. Sketch #1 ends).

________________________________________________________________ _

Sketch #2:

(Sandebal enters confessional)

Sandeval Hines: Forgive me father for I have sin.

My last confession was 20 minutes ago. You know I, I tried to do all those things you asked me to do, the rosery, and the what not, and none of it uh, none of it took. It's, all I could do that whole time was taking that little thing and wrapping it around Yaminashi's neck, and just squeezing it until his melon popped off. I don't know what to tell ya father. (starting to cry) You know, maybe I'm just bad. Maybe I'm no good you know. Hu hu, maybe it's like what papa Hi- Hines used to say you know. Your rotten inside. Your rah (leg kick) ottin! It's ridiculous you know. I can still see him standing there father. I can see him standing there pointin sayin Sandeval, you are a rottin kid! You have no idea how hard that is father. To have your father say words like that at your uh, at your 10th birthday party (begins to cry).

I told myself this was a safe place to cry, but don't you cry.

I will set you on fire if you cry.


Joseph Yaminashi (Faint on the other side of the confessional): Coach?

Sandeval Hines: I just want to be loved father. I just want to be loved your grace.

(Sandeval crying).

Joseph Yaminashi: Don't worry Sandeval, I love you.

Sandeval Hines: Huh!

Joseph Yaminashi: For your pennants, I want you to say 3 hail Mary's, 2 hollabacks, and a what what!

Sandeval Hines: Yamianshi

(Sandeval climbs over the confessional wall trying to grab Yaminashi)! Why you, I'm going to stab you in the neck! Oh come here!

(End of Sketch).

________________________________________________________________ _

Sketch #3:

(Sandeval talking to the priest)

Sandeval Hines: It's so hard to talk to you when you won't look at me. Why won't you look at me (the priest is trying to keep back his laughter)?

You're not going to look at me?

You're not going to make eye contact? You're not going to make eye contact (scene ends. Next outtake involves Sandeval whistling Joseph and Careco into the confessional and Sandeval dropping his whistle on Joseph's face)? Don't move.

Don't let it drop. Don't let that whistle drop (Sandeval takes the whistle off). Ok.

(Sketch ends)


Rise from the Dead!

Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)
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