[MADtv] Abercrombie & Fitch: Apple (#1004)

[Princess PeachC]

Ike Barinholtz- Dutch
Michael McDonald- Cougar
Alanis Morissette- Apple
Ron Pederson- Carpenter
Paul- Customer

(Scene opens to Abercrombie and Fitch store)

Customer: Excuse me, does Abercrombie & Fitch sell fleece blankets to match these pajama bottoms?

Cougar: No, ma’am, we don’t.

Customer: Ma’am? I’m not a woman.

Cougar: And I’m not listening. Yo Dutch, catch! (Throws football to Dutch)

Dutch: Uh, whatever you do Cougar, don’t tickle me!

Cougar: Oh, you mean like this? (Starts to tickle Dutch)

Dutch: I said don’t! I said don’t, no, no! It’s just not the same without Carpenter. Even though he’s six feet away, it’s like he’s in another world.

Cougar: True dat, dawg. Ever since that new girl started working here, he’s been spending all his time her.

Carpenter: You have got the most amazing natural highlights I have ever seen in my life!

Apple: No, you do!

Carpenter: No, you do!

Apple: No, you do!

Carpenter: No, you do!

Apple: No, you…

Cougar: What female in her right mind would wear active pants with a prop top cami?

Dutch: And last years pebble leather belt? Hello!

Cougar and Dutch: That chick does not know how to match separates!

Carpenter: You know baby doll, I can’t stop thinking about last night.

Apple: Same here. When we put our vintage core jackets on and drove that beep up old Jalopy through that moonlit wheat field, I have never felt more Abercrombie.

Carpenter: Me neither. Especially when we took off all our clothes and went duck hunting in the forest.

Dutch: Did you hear that?

Cougar: He went nude duck hunting without us.

Dutch: That’s bullshizzle!

(Dutch throws the football at Apple’s head)

Apple:Ow! You hit me!

Carpenter: Hey Dutch, what the fizzle? You just hurt my gal pal.

Dutch: Yeah, not as bad as you hurt us.

Cougar: Yeah! I thought we’re all playing on the same team, but then you switched sides, and for what? Two fried eggs and a stale slice of cherry pie.

Apple: Excuse me! I have name. I’m Apple! And you need to apologize.

Dutch: Actually, you need to apologize to us for coming in here and ruining our dynamic.

Cougar: Yeah! Whore!

Carpenter: Hey, don’t talk to her like that, bitch.

Apple: You guys need to understand that Abercrombie is just not about boys, it’s also about girls. Girls with sunkist skin and medium sized breasts who get together at dawn and play topless flag football. And after the game, we take a hose and wash the dirt off each other and gently hit the water in all the right places.

(Cougar almost throws up)

Cougar:Like I said, WHORE!

Carpenter: Alright, that is it!

Cougar: Bring it!

Dutch: It’s on!

Carpenter: Eat this! (He pushes Cougar)

Cougar: Dude, you stretched my rib waffle cotton scarf!

(The boys start to hit each other)

Carpenter: Ow, don’t!

(They fall to the floor and make a dog pile)

Apple: Carpenter, I’m going to Wetzels Pretzels

(The boys ignore her and continue to fight)

Apple: Carpenter! Anybody?

(They keep ignoring her)

(Apple leaves)

Dutch: It’s good to have you back.

Carpenter: Well, it’s good to be back.

Cougar: I always got your back!

Dutch: Let’s ride each other bare back!

Carpenter: Yeah!

(The scene closes with them wrestling)

[MADtv_Est.'95]

I love this one. It was funny & Alanis is a pretty good actress. All-In-All it was funny.