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  #1  
Old 09/01/2006, 5:02 AM
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Syrelo Male Syrelo is offline
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Default Coach Hines: Bus Ride (#1107)

“Coach Hines: Bus Ride”

Coach Hines: Keegan-Michael Key
Ms. Slattery: Danielle Gaither
Policewoman: Nicole Randall Johnson

(Coach Hines is driving a bus of football players to an away game)

Coach: (singing with football players) Here we go now, we know that somehow, we’ll march along to victory. Fight!

Coach: Hey, if you’ve got some spirit, then let me hear it!

(The football players cheer)

Coach: Yeah! All right, yeah! Now shut up! Shut up and shut it, you dumb-heads! Now apparently, we’ve been having some trouble at our recent away games. Turns out some of you knuckle-nuts don’t know how to behave around women. So Ms. Slattery here is going to pound some decency into your dirty little gutter-knobs. So, uh, you’re on, sugar-shorts.

Ms. Slattery: Thank you, Coach.

Coach: Yeah, hey wow! You smell good. You got some perfume on there?

Ms. Slattery: It’s just soap.

Coach: Well it’s good! That is a good soapy smell.

Ms. Slattery: Uhh…now boys, when you visit another school, you’re representing St. Francis, and as such, it’s very important…

Coach: Bauer? Bauer! I see you doing your little sex move there! That’s real funny! You want to show Ms. Slattery here your little tongue-in-the-cheek and the hand-jerking there? No? No? I didn’t think so, hot-shot! Now you knock it off! And that goes for you too, Gosky. Gosky! Gosky! Okay, you know what? You’re getting this right now!

(Coach throws a pencil. A groan is heard.)

Coach: Oh, all right, you know what? Sorry about that, Walters. Take that pencil out of your eye and stab Gosky in the neck with it. That goes for the rest of you guys too. You’d think these guys have never seen a sexy lady before. A very…sexy lady.

Ms. Slattery: Yeah…well, as I was saying, example of inappropriate behavior towards women would include being disrespectful…

Coach: (Looking out the bus window) Oh, look at this dumb Denise in the Rav4 here!

Ms. Slattery: Umm…name calling.

Coach: (Talking into the bus microphone) Hey hooters! Why don’t you use a turn signal for once, how about, huh?

Ms. Slattery: And rude comments…

Coach: Hey, you need anything, cinnamon-toast?

Ms. Slattery: No, I’m good.

Coach: But sometimes you’re bad, though, huh? Right? Okay, Salini! Gameboy off! Salini, you turn the Gameboy off!

(Coach turns around. He is not paying attention while driving, and the sounds of other cars beeping can be heard)

Coach: Okay, I know you can hear me, boy. I will put a syringe of raw sewage in your arm, okay?

(Coach attempts to drive the bus with his foot as he tries to get to Salini)

Coach: Okay, so you want to play games, chief? You want to play games? Cause we will play some games, chief. Huh? Is that what you want to do? Okay, that’s it.

(Coach gets up, leaving the bus unmanned. Ms. Slattery takes over.)

Coach: Now, you want to play ring-around-your-throatie with a table saw? How about that? Gimme the Gameboy! Unbelievable.

Coach: (Returning to the driver’s seat and pushing Ms. Slattery away) I got it, lover.

Ms. Slattery: Coach Hines, maybe you should just concentrate on the driving.

Coach: Well, how can I when I got five feet of fine standing right next to me? (Singing into the bus microphone) There she is…sexy ladaaaaaaaaaay.

(Coach swerves)

Coach: Hey! Woah! Woah! Woah! You want some? You want some?

(He sticks his head out of the window)

Coach: Huh? Let’s go then! Let’s go! I will put six tons of yellow bus up that Prius! If you wanna go, we can go!

(A police siren is heard)

Coach: Let’s go then. Let’s go then, buster.

(Cut to a scene of Coach, Ms. Slattery, and a policewoman standing by the side of the bus.)

Coach: Sorry about that, lady officer. I was just trying to keep the bus jockey in line here.

Ms. Slattery: You almost got us killed!

Coach: I doubt that, though, I doubt that.

Policewoman: Either way, I’m taking you to jail for reckless endangerment.

(The football players laugh)

Coach: Hey! Hey! Hey! I will toss a match in that gas tank!

Policewoman: Let’s go.

(Coach makes an inaudible comment to Ms. Slattery as he is being taken away)

Ms. Slattery: Only cause I’d kick your ass!

(The football players laugh again. Coach runs back to the bus and tries to climb in through a window.)

Coach: You’re gonna get it! You’re gonna get it!

(The policewoman clubs Coach and leads him away by his arm)

Coach: You hit me! Okay! That’s kind of sexy, sexy police lady. (Singing) Sexy police ladaaaaaaaaaay, with your sexy police lady gun…
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Old 11/17/2008, 7:40 PM
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