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Old 12/16/2004, 3:38 PM
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Default Coach Hines: Memorial Service (#1002)

Miss Information

Sketch Length: 6:15
Original Airdate: 9/25/04


Ike Barinholtz ... Principal Lankenstein
Keegan-Michael Key ... Coach Hines
Nicole Parker ... Sister Divitz


(A coffin, flowers, and a black-and-white picture of a nun are on the Saint Francis High School's gym floor. Church music plays. Principal Lankenstein is at the podium. Balding, hyperactive, gum-chewing gym teacher Coach Hines is impatiently sitting in a chair behind him, eyeing the group of off-camera students. Sister Divitz and a few other faculty members near him.)

Principal Lankenstein: Uh, good morning, students and faculty. Today is a very sad day here at Saint Francis High. Sister Mary Maurice was a member of the Saint Francis High family for thirty years. And she represented everything this school stood for. I know when I speak for the entire faculty, when I say we are committed to continuing her legacy...

(Coach Hines gets up out of his chair to yell at an off-camera student.)

Coach Hines: Mr. Dawsky! Yeah, uh, are you lost, Chief? Huh? Huh? Then find a seat, and you sit down!

(Coach Hines sits back down.)

Principal Lankenstein: Thank you, Coach Hines.

Coach Hines: Thank you, thank you.

Principal Lankenstein: As I was saying, the loss of Sister Maurice will leave a permanent hole...

(Coach Hines gets up from his seat again.)

Coach Hines: Okay, Mr. Gunlock! Is the word 'hole' funny to you somehow? Huh? Do you like a little holes? Real funny, Gunlock! You secure it or I will staple it, son! Okay? Now, show some respect! There is a dead nun in this box! Now, another crack like that, and I'm gonna put you in there next to her! I will do it! I will make room in there for you! So, you just try me, Chief! You just try me!

(Coach Hines sits back down again.)

Principal Lankenstein: Thank you again, Coach Hines.

Coach Hines: My pleasure.

Principal Lankenstein: Now, as I was saying, Sister Maurice was not only an inspiring presence, but also a dear dear friend. She taught all of us here how to love.

(Coach Hines gets up once again.)

Coach Hines: Do you wanna die, Mr. Hannigan?! Do you wanna expire? Hmmm? Then you put that basketball down! 'Cause this is your warning, Chief! This is your warning! I see that basketball again; and this is gonna be your neck!

(Coach Hines begins twisting the microphone on Principal Lankenstein's podium.)

Coach Hines: Huh? You like that? That's what I'm gonna do there to your neck! You like that, huh? I'm gonna twist it, I'm gonna stab it! Twistin' and stabbin' the neck! Twist it and stab it; and you're dead! That's a twist and a stab; and I'm killing you, right there in the spinal chord! sick of it! And here's your left cornea! And there's your right retina! Huh? What do you think about that, Hannigan? Smart guy?

Principal Lankenstein: Coach, Coach...

Coach Hines: Knock it off!

Principal Lankestein: I think he gets the idea.

Coach Hines: Oh, I hope so.

Principal Lankenstein: Now, this is a memorial service.

Coach Hines: Yep.

Principal Lankenstein: Sir, this is a memorial service...

Coach Hines: Uh-huh.

Principal Lankenstein: And we need to keep some decorum.

Coach Hines: You're telling me we need to keep some decorum.

Principal Lankenstein: Well, I am telling you.

Coach Hines: And this bunch of jugheads, they're sittin' here acting like a bunch of rectal appetures.

Principal Lankenstein I realize the need to maintain discipline, but this is...

(Coach Hines points to a student behind him, without looking at them.)

Coach Hines: You know what... I see you, Hoffman! I see you! Eyes, back of the head, 20/20...

(Coach Hines turns around to face the student.)

Coach Hines: ... and I see ya! You, Hoffman! Unbelievable! You're gonna get it in the neck! You're dead! Come to school for detention, adn then you're gonna be deceased.

Principa Lankensteinl: I need you to...

Coach Hines: Just try me, Chief! I wish you would just try me!

Principal Lankenstein: I need you to be quiet now. I need you to be quiet.

Coach Hines: Okay, I can do that.

Principal Lankenstein: Well, you can't.... then show me.

Coach Hines: No, you don't have to tell me twice to quiet down. I do quiet down. I feel partially responsible. If Madero hadn't ducked when I took that swing at him, I might not have clocked Sister Maurice in the head there and jump started that heart attack.

Principal Lankenstein: Let's just... let's just keep it down.

Coach Hines: Okay, check.

Principal Lankenstein: Thank you.

(Coach Hines sits back down.)

Principal Lankenstein: As many of you know, our Freshman music teacher, Sister Divitz, was a close friend of Sister Maurice. Not only did they go to the convent together, but they also showed a great love for contemporary hymns. They sang many hymns together, here. Here we thought it may be a fitting tribute, if we sang her favorite hymn in her memory.

(Coach Hines remains in his seat while whispering to a student.)

Coach Hines: Dimotmison. Dimotmison. Hat. Hat. Off. Hat off. Get that had off your head. Dimotmison, get that hat off. You know you can hear me. You can here me, Dimotmison. Don't you play me, boy. Don't you play... You wanna play me?

(Coach Hines gets out of his seat and goes off camera to discipline Dimotmison. Only his voice can be heard as Principal continues to speak.)

Coach Hines: You take that hat off your head! You wanna play games? You wanna play games? Then, how 'bout we play my cletes in your face? You like that? Take that hat off your head or I'm gonna punch your heart through the back of your body! I will kick you in your fifth vertebrae...

Principal Lankenstein: Coach Hines! Please! Please!

(Coach Hines returns with a piece of orthodontial headgear in his hand.)

Coach Hines: I don't care what your orthodontist says, a hat's a hat; and it's uncalled for!

(Coach Hines breaks the headgear.)

Coach Hines: Huh? How's that for your hat? You like that for your hat?

(Coach Hines returns to his seat.)

Coach Hines: Sick of it. It's ridiculous.

Principal Lankenstein: Now, to say a few words. Please welcome Sister Divitz.

(Sister Divitz walks up to the podium with an acoustic guitar. Scattered applauses can be heard throughout the crowd as Coach Hines applauds enthusiastically.)

Sister Divitz: Sister Maurice and I were both great lovers of church music; and I'd like to sing one of her favorite hymns for you now. Feel free to join in.

(Sister Divitz begins to play the guitar and sing. Coach Hines gets up out of his seat once again and begins to silently threaten srudents in the audience with physical gestures.)

Sister Divitz: Make me a channel of your peace. Where there is hatred, let me bring you love. Where there is injury, your healing power. And where there's hope, true faith in you. Oh, I may never see. So much to be consoled as to console. To behold to understand.

(The principal tries to stop Coach Hines, and they get into a physical fight and chase each other around the coffin. Sister Divitz hits Coach Hines over the head with a picture and punches him on the face. He falls onto the ground.)

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Old 11/17/2008, 7:39 PM
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