Go Back   Planet MADtv > Our Database > MADtv Repository > MADtv Transcripts
Register Members List Mark Forums Read

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1  
Old 03/14/2003, 4:14 AM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Lightbulb The Greatest Action Story Ever Told (#209)

Hey guys, here's one that I know a lot of you have wanted for awhile, and I FINALLY got around to it this morning (I felt a little sick and got up). I hope you guys like it!

**Note** This sketch is a parody of The Greatest Story Ever Told and The Terminator

Cast:
Arnold Schwarzenegger - Bryan Callen
Jesus Christ - David Herman
Wise Man #1 - Phil LaMarr

On the screen we see a clear night sky filled with stars, one in particular being very large and bright.

TV Announcer: Unto this world, a child is born.

Camera pans down onto a small village. We see that the date is December 25, 0000. There is a strange kind of lighting is zapping around in between two small buildings. Suddenly the light forms a large silver sphere. A naked man hunching over appears and the sphere disappears. The man stands, and we see that it is Arnold Schwarzenegger. AS scans The Three Wise Men, who are coming towards him, and finds one man wearing a robe in his size.

Wise Man 1: Enjoying the night air, my brother?

AS: Your robes -- give them to me.

WM1: I come bearing many gifts, but I assure you my robes are not among them.

AS: What are you? Some kind of wise guy?

WM1: Well, actually -- yes!

AS punches WM1 in the face.

TV Announcer: He's back! Arnold Schwarzenegger is the The Terminator in "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told!"

We see AS again, now wearing WM1's robes, scanning around for Baby Jesus. He sees a sign on one front door that reads, "No Vacancy," and another that reads, "Gone to Nazareth."

AS (Putting on sunglasses.): Asta la vista, Baby Jesus.

We now see that it is 33 years later, and the full-grown Jesus is preaching to a bunch of people after handing out food.

Jesus: Alright, alright, settle down. Did I make enough? Good.

AS enters from behind J, carrying a gun.

J: Back to my sermon. Blessed are the --

The crowd screams at the sight of AS, and scatters. J turns to AS.

AS: Get down!

J ducks, and AS begins shooting soldiers.

AS (Offering J his hand): Come with me if you want to live.

J: What are you doing?

AS: They were going to arrest you.

J: I know.

AS: And crucify you.

J: It's supposed to happen.

AS: What are you? A glutton for punishment?

TV Announcer: In the beginning, there was Arnold.

AS and J are seen walking and talking.

AS: I'm a cybernetic organism; living tissue over metal endoskeleton. My mission is to protect you.

J: I appriciate your concern, and I realize you've traveled a great distance. But there's a plan, a master plan even, and I can't explain it to you now, but you must, you MUST stay away.

As J finishes his sentence, AS targets the soldiers, and aims to shoot them. As he pulls the trigger, J points the gun towards the sky, and the soldiers are saved.

J: And you cannot go around killing people!

AS: Why?

J: Because it is one of God's Commandments; thou shalt not kill.

AS: Why?

J: Because it is a sin.

AS: Why?

J: Because it's not nice!

AS: Why?

J (to God): Forgive him, Father. He is a robot from the future.

TV Announcer: Thou shalt not miss this movie. Now, come, witness the miracle!

We now see J and his Disciples at the Last Supper.

J (Standing): Brothers, my time with you is almost over. But for now, let us eat.

AS bursts in. He scans the room, finds Judas, realizes he will betray J.

AS: Eat this!

AS shoots Judas.

J: You just don't get it, do you?

AS: You have been targeted for termination.

J: I already told you! I'm supposed to die for the sins of mankind!

J brings Judas back to life.

AS: I'm programmed to protect you.

AS shoots Judas again.

J: STOP! STOP KILLING JUDAS!

AS: But he's going to betray you.

J: I know! Look, look, I've got a LOT on my mind right now, and you're REALLY starting to stress me out, OK? OK?!

J brings Judas back to life again.

AS: Pontius Pilate at 10 o'clock!

Everyone turns, and AS shoots Judas again.

J (Going for AS): Give me that thing!

TV Announcer: This Christmas, the meek shall inherit the action.

We now see the bottom of the cross, with J crucified on it, being dragged along, and people crying. A soldier moves, and we see AS standing next to an old woman who's crying.

AS: Don't worry, he'll be back.

AS puts his arm around the old lady, who begins sobbing again.

AS: What?

TV Announcer: Terminator Three! The Greatest Action Story Ever Told! Bless this film.

The end.

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )

Last edited by newt007; 08/07/2004 at 2:43 AM.
Reply With Quote




  #2  
Old 03/14/2003, 2:42 PM
Mad Dog's Avatar
Mad Dog Female Mad Dog is offline
Rufff Rufff!!!
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Halton Hills, Ontario, Ca
Posts: 2,822
Way to go! Nice to see some of the classic movie trailers posted in the transcript thread other than my Mary Poppins one. They rarely to movie parodies anymore which is a shame because it offered mor variety other than just TV and the music industry. Frank says it's because they used to use actual movie film but it was too costly and people complained about the cheapness of the normal cameras like in Lord Of The Bling.

__________________
I'm actually a really nice girl in real life.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 03/14/2003, 3:35 PM
koolboee cdmo87's Avatar
koolboee cdmo87 Male koolboee cdmo87 is offline
Can't You Read the Signs?
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 1,959
Awesome sketch! Possibly my favorite movie parody. Good job!

BTW thanks for that info, Mad Dog.. and it's a real shame that the show's budget seems to be getting smaller every year
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 03/14/2003, 6:26 PM
MADMADMAD's Avatar
MADMADMAD Male MADMADMAD is offline
Geometry Sucks.
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Los Angeles, California,
Posts: 1,222
Really, Mad Dog? Very odd indeed, and budget cuts are sweeping across Hollywood now that computer effects are here. And BTW, Bryansgirl, that was an excellent sketch. Great work!
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 03/14/2003, 7:17 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Quote:
Originally posted by Mad Dog
Way to go! Nice to see some of the classic movie trailers posted in the transcript thread other than my Mary Poppins one. They rarely to movie parodies anymore which is a shame because it offered mor variety other than just TV and the music industry. Frank says it's because they used to use actual movie film but it was too costly and people complained about the cheapness of the normal cameras like in Lord Of The Bling.
Thanks Mad Dog! I liked your "Mary Poppins" one, too.

I think it's sad that they don't show the movie parodies anymore, too. It sucks that their budget keeps getting smaller and smaller. Thanks for sharing that with us!

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 03/14/2003, 7:18 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Quote:
Originally posted by koolboee cdmo87
Awesome sketch! Possibly my favorite movie parody. Good job!

BTW thanks for that info, Mad Dog.. and it's a real shame that the show's budget seems to be getting smaller every year
Thanks Ian! It's my favorite movie parody too.

Especially because of the part when Bryan's naked. Hee hee.

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 03/14/2003, 7:19 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Quote:
Originally posted by MADMADMAD
Really, Mad Dog? Very odd indeed, and budget cuts are sweeping across Hollywood now that computer effects are here. And BTW, Bryansgirl, that was an excellent sketch. Great work!
Thanks MADMADMAD!

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 03/14/2003, 7:26 PM
Nicolesbiotch's Avatar
Nicolesbiotch Male Nicolesbiotch is offline
Travis aka... God!
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: USA
Posts: 307
I absolutely love that sketch. Plus it's my favorite MADtv sketch and you did a great job.

__________________
It's understanding that makes it possible for people like me to tolerate people like you.
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 07/08/2003, 12:55 PM
Knickers's Avatar
Knickers Male Knickers is offline
0ld sk00l
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: SoCal...omg so much drama
Posts: 4,638
Quote:
people complained about the cheapness of the normal cameras like in Lord Of The Bling.
Woops.. i thought that film was supposed to look crappy, on acount it was a Magic johnson movie??

__________________
Morgan & Nik - Nocturnal Twins Forever
TRIPOD: LYZZA ROBBEH :nosmile: NIK
www.myspace.com/nukkasurfer Add me!
My Fanfics
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 12/28/2003, 3:31 PM
krusher krusher is offline
Fresh Meat
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4
Hey people ... I'm new here ... and I saw this movie last week on TV ... someone here can tell me where can I get this movie ???
Reply With Quote
  #11  
Old 12/29/2003, 1:41 PM
MysterE's Avatar
MysterE Male MysterE is offline
I'm watching you.
Staff Alumnus
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Pot-Land, Oregon
Posts: 5,331
Quote:
Originally posted by krusher
Hey people ... I'm new here ... and I saw this movie last week on TV ... someone here can tell me where can I get this movie ???
Is that supposed to be some kind of joke to see if we know what movie its from? If not, why would you ask for the movie here? Welcome to the board?

__________________
As always, please look over the most recent episode guide here and let us know of any additions or corrections. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 12/29/2003, 3:28 PM
krusher krusher is offline
Fresh Meat
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4
Hey Man calm down ..... I just wanted know where can I get "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told" .... but I already got it .....

tkx
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 12/29/2003, 8:02 PM
Mad Dog's Avatar
Mad Dog Female Mad Dog is offline
Rufff Rufff!!!
 
Join Date: Dec 2001
Location: Halton Hills, Ontario, Ca
Posts: 2,822
Quote:
Originally posted by Mystere


Is that supposed to be some kind of joke to see if we know what movie its from? If not, why would you ask for the movie here? Welcome to the board?
Wellll looks like Cranky McCrankenheimer has a bad case of the crab apple mcnasties. Mystere, shame on you for talking to a new chatter like that.

Hi krusher, welcome to the board...most of us anyways don't talk like THAT. the movie this was a parody of is called "The Greatest Story Ever Told" and I imagine you can rent it at any movie store near you or buy it at most places that sell videos...even though it is a few years old by now. Anyway, enjoy your stay here and feel free to post about anything if you want.

__________________
I'm actually a really nice girl in real life.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 12/29/2003, 8:29 PM
MysterE's Avatar
MysterE Male MysterE is offline
I'm watching you.
Staff Alumnus
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Pot-Land, Oregon
Posts: 5,331
The reason I posted what I did is cuz there is no movie called "The Greatest Action Story Ever Told". I'm sure the parody is nothing like the real movie (overall anyways). I just thought it was some Christian person coming on here posting that to see if we knew. Anyways, I'm sorry if I came off as a jerk, I wasn't trying to be, sorry. Glad you found your movie "The Greatest Story Ever Told".

__________________
As always, please look over the most recent episode guide here and let us know of any additions or corrections. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 12/30/2003, 1:55 PM
MysterE's Avatar
MysterE Male MysterE is offline
I'm watching you.
Staff Alumnus
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Pot-Land, Oregon
Posts: 5,331
So are you a MADtv fan krusher?

__________________
As always, please look over the most recent episode guide here and let us know of any additions or corrections. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 12/31/2003, 2:52 PM
krusher krusher is offline
Fresh Meat
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4
Default -----

Quote:
Originally posted by Mystere
So are you a MADtv fan krusher?

Sorry Man, I guess that MAD TV have only on USA TVs, and I'm not from USA. That's why I dont know many things about the MAD TV.

Quote:
Originally posted by Mad Dog


Wellll looks like Cranky McCrankenheimer has a bad case of the crab apple mcnasties. Mystere, shame on you for talking to a new chatter like that.

Hi krusher, welcome to the board...most of us anyways don't talk like THAT. the movie this was a parody of is called "The Greatest Story Ever Told" and I imagine you can rent it at any movie store near you or buy it at most places that sell videos...even though it is a few years old by now. Anyway, enjoy your stay here and feel free to post about anything if you want.
Thanks Mad Dog !
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 12/31/2003, 2:54 PM
MysterE's Avatar
MysterE Male MysterE is offline
I'm watching you.
Staff Alumnus
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Pot-Land, Oregon
Posts: 5,331
May I ask where you're from krusher?

__________________
As always, please look over the most recent episode guide here and let us know of any additions or corrections. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 01/01/2004, 12:20 AM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
 
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Hi Krusher. Hope you like it here!

__________________
"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 01/01/2004, 12:16 PM
krusher krusher is offline
Fresh Meat
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 4
Quote:
Originally posted by Mystere
May I ask where you're from krusher?

Brazil
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 01/01/2004, 9:14 PM
MysterE's Avatar
MysterE Male MysterE is offline
I'm watching you.
Staff Alumnus
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: Pot-Land, Oregon
Posts: 5,331
Quote:
Originally posted by Bryansgirl
Hope you like it here!
Ditto!

__________________
As always, please look over the most recent episode guide here and let us know of any additions or corrections. Thank you.
Reply With Quote
Reply




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump
 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
A Love Story, Told Through Smileys MADfan2004 Off-topic Discussion 10 03/16/2010 11:16 PM
[MADtv] Action News (#915) funny_guy MADtv Transcripts 9 11/17/2008 7:31 PM
[MADtv] Even more Hollywood Squares action blackwind Front Page News 0 11/06/2002 6:23 PM
[MADtv] I told nicole to come here to chat or leave a message Antonia018 General Discussion 2 10/15/2002 1:57 PM
[MADtv] MadTV action figures AeoceanGlyvxx General Discussion 5 02/27/2002 2:00 PM

All times are GMT -6. The time now is 7:22 PM.