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Old 10/15/2003, 5:24 PM
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Default Episode S01E10 (Aired 1996-01-06)

A couple has just returned home from a date. The girl (Nicole Sullivan) was a little awkward because she doesn't date much, and it sort of stresses her out. The guy (Bryan Callen) says that when he is stressed he just goes for a run. The girl however, can't run due to her bad ankles, so to de-stress herself she just spends a few minutes on her guitar. When the man asks to see her play, she shows him. However, her definition of playing the guitar is destroying it into pieces.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Man), Nicole Sullivan (Woman)

Some of the cast tells everyone to sit back and enjoy the show.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Bryan Callen (Himself)

US Commercial
President Bill Clinton (David Herman) holds an address to tell the nation that they are over 4 trillion dollars in debt, and no closer to achieving a balanced budget then when he came into office. To offset this, America is holding a going out of business sale, everything must go. Mount Rushmore, Yellowstone National Park, 3 Mile Island, it's all for sale! Remember, the US stands for U Save!

Credits: David Herman (Bill Clinton)

A parody of Seinfeld shown from the point of view of the west wing of the White House. Bill Clinton(David Herman)'s administration is dying. Between shredding evidence, refusing sepinas, and sending troops overseas, the president is down in the polls with an election at the end of the year. Meanwhile, Bill is getting no help from his vice president Al Gore (Bryan Callen) who is only campaigning in the small electoral state of Hawaii. Ron Brown (Phil LaMarr), his Secretary of Combers then comes up with a great idea, they'll do nothing, because if they do nothing, they're will be nothing for anyone to complain about.

Credits: David Herman (Bill "Clintfeld" Clinton/Jerry Seinfeld), Phil LaMarr (Ron Brown/Jason Alexander: George Costanza), Bryan Callen (Al Gore/Michael Richards: Cosmo Kramer), Nicole Sullivan (Hillary Clinton/Julia Louis-Dreyfus: Elaine Benes), Bob Baglia (Newt "Newton" Gingrich/Wayne Knight: Newman)

2 of the most ignorant men on the planet are working together in a warehouse. One man, Bill (Phil LaMarr) doesn't know things like John Lennon died, Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love were married, and that O.J Simpson was on trial. The other man Ted (Bryan Callen) doesn't know things like Bill Clinton is president that his lunch break lasts a full hour, and that bread, ham, and mustard can be made into a sandwich.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Bill), Bryan Callen (Ted), Orlando Jones (Worker)

Spy Vs Spy-Spaghetti Door **Animation**
White Spy sees Black Spy is leaving his house, and putting the key to it under his welcome mat. When Black Spy is gone, White Spy goes to the door and tries to get into his house. Unfortunately, the set up is a trap, and the door blinds close on him, and cut him into spaghetti.

Handicapped Toilet Police
A man (Phil LaMarr) really needs to go to the bathroom, but there is a long line at the only non-handicapped stall. The man cannot wait and goes into the handicapped stall. That is when he is busted by the Toilet Police. He gets a $120 ticket, and has to go to 8 hours of toilet school. Since he already has the ticket, he decides to just use the stall, but then he is busted again for re-breaking the same law. The man then decides to stick it to the police by handicapping himself by slipping on the wet floor outside of the bathroom. A month later, he returns in a walker to use the stall, but finds a line at the handicap stall. Seeing this, he decides to use the vacant non-handicapped stall. He is then however, busted for using the non-handicapped stall while handicapped. He may be angry, but it's not just their job, it's their duty.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Man #1), Bryan Callen (Man #2), Debra Wilson (Irene), David Herman (Handicapped Toilet Police Officer)

The Go-Between
A couple, Roy (Orlando Jones), and Diane (Debra Wilson) is fighting. Their friend Karen (Mary Scheer) hates to see them like this, so she has invited them over to her house to work out there problems. They both however, have no desire to talk to each other, so Karen runs interference, setting up a line of communication for them through her. They are both saying nasty thing about each other, but Karen is translating it in a nice way. She goes back and forth multiple times, and translates slaps, water thrown in her face, and knees to the groin. As Roy is hurting from the knee to the groin, Karen tells Diane that he is really hurting. Diane then realises that she doesn't love anyone like she loves Roy. Diane then translates a kiss, which Karen translates, but takes a little too far, as Roy and Karen now begin kissing and groping each other on a table as Diane tries to talk to Roy.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Diane), Mary Scheer (Karen), Orlando Jones (Roy)

Get Smarty
In a business where honesty, cooperation, creativity, and bloated expense accounts are standard operating procedure, a secret agent is trying to land a new job as a movie producer. That person is Maxwell Smarty, and the movie is Get Smarty. Maxwell has to get some top secret plans to the airport in order to save the world, but the one thing standing in his way, is Hollywood. Unfortunately, Maxwell fails, and instead of delivering the secret plans, he takes them to a producer (Orlando Jones) to see if he can make a movie out of the plans. Barbra Feldon (Mary Scheer), Don Adams (David Herman), and Gene Hackman (Bryan Callen) star in Maxwell Smarty. Taking an old TV show you use to see for free, turning it into a movie, and charging you $8.00 to see it again trick. Just the kind of thing you expect to see from 20th Century Fox.

Credits: David Herman (Don Adams: Maxwell Smarty), Dave Ketchum (Agent 13), Orlando Jones (Producer), Bryan Callen (Gene Hackman), Mary Scheer (Barbra Feldon: Agent 99), Rip Taylor (Himself), Daren Norris (Waiter)

The improv troupe 3 giggles, and a titter has come to Flint, Michigan to perform some skits for an auto manufacturing plant. They first take some occupations, and locations from the audience, but because this is an auto manufacturing plant, they only get jobs like 2 machinists, a lath operator, and a welder on an assembly line. When they perform the skit, the audience is unhappy because they are not operating the machinery like they should be. They then decide to switch to a location game, but the auto makers are uncreative, saying places like an assembly line again. The audience start to get extremely mad that the improv troop has secure jobs, and they don't, and those they don't even know how to work a lath. When the audience threatens to kick there ass, they wise up to the audience and start razzing on the foreman, saying that he spent the pension fund on a TV for himself, and that they should lynch him. The audience agrees, and they storm out of the room to do the act.

Credits: Orlando Jones (Machinist Worker), Bryan Callen (Lath Operator), Phil LaMarr (Brad), David Herman (Giggle), Debra Wilson (Giggle), Mary Scheer (Tammy), Martin Bright (Heckler), Nicole Sullivan (Worker), Dave Powledge (Spot Welder), Chip Heller (Machinist)

Don Martin-Brick Layers **Animation**
2 men are making a brick building on a board suspended from a crane when the bricks they are using start to weight one side down. They try to adjust it, but it just keeps putting more weight on one side. With this not working, they decide to just stack it in the middle and even it out that way. It works, but the bricks weigh too much and the board breaks in half, sending the men and the bricks to the ground.

Mafia Management
The Esposito mafia annual family retreat is going on, but no one is having a good time because there is severe mistrust amongst the family. To off-set this, the group has called Debbie Dander (Mary Scheer). She first has everyone introduces themselves like they had just met. There's Jimmy "Ice" Esposito (Bryan Callen) who does what needs to be done, Anthony "Poodlecut" Selarno (David Herman) who pulls the trigger, and Little Vic (Nicole Sullivan) who cleans up. Little Vic is tired of being the clean up man, and wants to be the actualise, but Jimmy laughs at the idea. Debbie suggests they all hold a huggy mill, in which they all hug each other, and appreciate each other’s good work, but when Anthony hugs Jimmy, he finds that Jimmy is wearing a wire on his belt. Jimmy is actually an FBI agent. Little Vic now takes the role of the actualizer, and suggests that they take Jimmy to the top of a tall building and have his face interface with the pavement, which Anthony thinks is "Super friggin terrific!"

Credits: David Herman (Anthony "Poodlecut" Selarno), Bryan Callen (Jimmy "Ice" Esposito), Nicole Sullivan (Little Vic), Mary Scheer (Debbie Dander)

Monologue-Andy Kindler
Andy Kindler wants to stop bad entertainment by any means necessary. He thinks Ellen DeGeneres has watched too much Here's Lucy, Quinton Terrentino should not be guest starring in everything, and that the WB cannot recognise its own bad programming among other things.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), Andy Kindler (Himself)

Spy Vs Spy-Fleas **Animation**
White Spy trains some flies to jump through a hoop. He then puts the flies in Black Spy's hair while he is sleeping so that when he goes outside, White Spy has a hoop set up in front of a wall that causes the flies to send Black Spy through the hoop into the wall.

Line of Duty
A man (Phil LaMarr) has a waitress (Debra Wilson) at gunpoint in a restaurant when two cops come barging in. They didn't know the other was there so they end up pointing their guns at each other when they busted in. Both men now simply have to turn their guns on the perp, but instead of turning the gun on him, they can't take the guns off each other, mostly because they don't trust each other for some unknown reason. The man then leaves with the woman as the cops are still stick each other up. The man then returns and tells both the cops to drop their pants, as it is something he has always wanted to do to a cop. The cops drop their pants, as they can't even trust each other, even in this situation. The man leaves, and the cops pull up their pants and run after him. Their guns still pointed at each other.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Perpetrator), Debra Wilson (Waitress), Orlando Jones (Cop), Bryan Callen (Lyle)

Emotional Prostitute
A man Dan (David Herman) goes to a hotel room with a prostitute (Mary Scheer). He is recently divorced, has left him sad, and he needs some womanly love, but for Dan womanly love involves the prostitute getting into a fight with him about things like him leaving the office early, and the dog being trained against him. Dan begins to get aroused by this as she continues to put it on. Just before he finishes she says that her time is up, and it will be another $40 on his $80 dollars. He finishes by being kicked out of the hotel room.

Credits: David Herman (Dan), Mary Scheer (Prostitute)

Don Martin-Cake Machine **Animation**
A man has made a machine that takes all the things that are needed to make a cake, puts them into a machine, and makes the cake, but the machine malfunctions, and pulls the scientist into the machine, baking him into the cake.

Mime Psychiatrist
A woman (Nicole Sullivan) is going to see a physician Dr. Johnson (Phil LaMarr) because she is having trouble having an orgasm with her long time husband. The difference with Johnson is that he is a mime. Johnson manages to get out of the woman that she was repressing a memory of a time that she did her entire high school football team. She figures this must be the reason why she is unable to have an orgasm. She tells Johnson that she is going to go home and tell her husband the truth, and then "climax like nobody’s business!"

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Johnson), Nicole Sullivan (Woman)

Human Pyramid
The cast closes the show and then makes a human pyramid with Debra and Nicole on top. The pyramid unfortunately hurts all the men's backs.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Herself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Bryan Callen (Himself)


  • Bryan Callen (6A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (0A/7S/0W/0AF)
  • Orlando Jones (3A/4S/2W/0AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (2A/6S/0W/0AF)
  • Artie Lange (0A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Mary Scheer (1A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (2A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • Debra Wilson (3A/3S/0W/0AF)

Special Appearances, and Co-Starring:
  • Bob Baglia (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Dave Ketchum (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Rip Taylor (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Daren Norris (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Martin Bright (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Dave Powledge (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Chip Heller (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Andy Kindler (0A/1S/0W/0AF)


  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/12/2009 at 4:29 AM.
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Old 06/07/2009, 10:56 PM
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Artie Alert!: This is an alert I will be putting in applicable sketches that will go into sketches that I think Artie could have been in if he was still there. If any of you did not know, Artie was gone for the next 4 episodes, starting with this one due to his drug addiction.


Stress: This one was pretty good, and who doesn't love to see Nicole smash the crap out of a guitar?

Opening: This was probably the dullest opening ever. There was nothing to this one. Artie Alert!: Artie probably would have been in this one because they really could have used a 6th person. You will see why later.

US Commercial: America for sale. I would buy a chunk of that. I call the television studios!

Clintfeld: An ok parody. Topical for the times, and involving one of the most watched shows. The highlight in this one for me was Nicole. Her facial expressions just made me laugh in this one. Artie Alert!: Artie would have played Newt "Newton" Gingrich/Wayne Knight:
Newman in this one, since he had already played Newt Gingrich already on the show, and the guy really almost looked like Artie.

Knowledge: Kind of funny. The highlight was when they open up their lunch boxes and one has a loaf of bread and mustard, and the other has a big package of ham, but they are both unaware that you can make a sandwich out of the two.

Spy Vs Spy-Spaghetti Door **Animation**: This one was actually a really good one. The highlight was the animation for the Spaghetti White Spy. Stringy.

Handicapped Toilet Police: I really did like this one. I love Phil's acting in this, and I love how they busted him on going into the non-handicapped stall while handicapped. The highlight was Phil getting an $120.00 ticket, and 8 hours in toilet school.

The Go-Between: This one was actually pretty funny. The highlight was the kiss between Karen and Diane. Why, because I'm a man, that's why!

Get Smarty: A little too classic, and I question if anybody really got it, but I found it really funny. David is a great Don Adams, and I must say I found Mary to be incredibly sexy as Agent 99. The highlight was David with his absolutely flawless Don Adams impression.

Improv: This would be more true today. Why do they have jobs and the auto workers don't. The highlight here was Bryan who kept on getting on the guys backs about not knowing how to work a lath. "That's not how ya operate a lath!" Artie Alert!: Artie probably would have played one of the auto workers played by one of the extras because that is basically what he looks like. It would have been a great role, that the show would have put him in to save money.

Don Martin-Brick Layers **Animation**: One of the better ones, but still, I don't like Doc Martin's.

Mafia Management: So Debbie Dander becomes a character. She's not that bad of a character and this one was actually pretty good. The highlight was Nicole as a man. That takes some good acting, and she really did it. However, I could still tell she was a woman so maybe it wasn't that great. Artie Alert! Artie probably would have played one of the mobsters, since he is from New York, and basically looks like a mobster.

Monologue-Andy Kindler: I don't like "celebrity" monologues. They don't work on a sketch comedy show. They just don't.

Spy Vs Spy-Fleas **Animation**: Not a very creative Spy Vs. Spy, and also it would never happen. I know a lot of this stuff will never happen, this one seemed a little too absurd.

Line of Duty: I didn't really like this one. I mean it was too surreal. It would just never happen. The highlight was the perp walking out saying "on this day I am truly the richest man alive!" after he told the cops to drop there pants.

Emotional Prostitute: This I think was really one of the first times anybody talked about things like this. Now it's still considered absurd, but I think this does happen. The highlight was Mary, who I did think looked a little hot in this one. She really surprised me sometimes with her hotness (I know it's not a word, but you all know what I mean).

Don Martin-Cake Machine **Animation**: I did like this one better, but I did think the guy jumping out and looking like a stripper was a little much.

Mime Psychiatrist: This one wasn't too bad. I liked Phil's miming, and Nicole looked really hot. The highlight was Nicole, who did look really hot in this, and when she yelled touchdown, touchdown, I gotta say it was a little hot.

Human Pyramid: Now this is a closing because it's something. Unlike the opening. The highlight was Bryan who's back was hurting like the rest of them, but Debra decided to rub it in by jumping on his back. While the Nicole was being sympathetic, Debra was really being jerky. Which was great.Artie Alert! I know Artie would have been better than probably Phil as a human pyramid base.

Out of 95 stars, this episode got 58 1/2. That's about a C rating. A good episode decent, but I have a feeling that the next episode is going to be good by the previews in this episode. If Artie was in this episode, here's how many sketches he would have been in 2A/2S/0W. Artie not being in these episodes actually hurts the show. MADtv really needs the heavy fat guy, and Artie was the perfect fat guy.


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