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Old 05/03/2004, 3:23 PM
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Default Ms. Swan: Lowered Expectations 1-3 (#310)

Ms. Swan- Alex Borstein
Camera Guy- Chris Hogan

Part I:

Announcer: Ms. Swan. Number 490.

Ms. Swan: (sits down) Okey, what you want me to do?

Camera Guy: Just say what kind of man you're looking for

Ms. Swan: 'kay. I tell you. I looking for a man.

Camera Guy: Is that it?

Ms. Swan: Yeah. No, no.

Camera Guy: Okay, what kind of man?

Ms. Swan: Yeeeah, okey. A kind man, know what mean, man?

Camera Guy: Is that all?

Ms. Swan: Yeah, no, no, I tell you. Very important, 'kay. He...

Camera Guy: Hmmm?

Ms. Swan: Have to look Like-a-man.

Camera Guy: You wanna describe him?

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okey, yeah. I describe, you describe.

Camera Guy: No, you describe.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okay. You go ahead.

Camera Guy: Go ahead.

Ms. Swan: You go ahead.

Camera Guy: No, YOU go ahead!! And do it to the camera.

Ms. Swan: Okay... (looks in camera) You go ahead!

Announcer: For Ms. Swan, press pound 490.

Part II:

Announcer: Ms. Swan. Number 490.

Ms. Swan: (examining the couch) Okay, okay. I have 200 dolla for couch. Final offer.

Camera Guy: No, I'm not selling the couch. Just describe your ideal man.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okay. I tell you. Hee... should look-a-like-a-man.

Camera Guy: Just tell me what kind of man, okay?

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okay, you know. A man-man, you know, 'key?

Camera Guy: What kind of man?

Ms. Swan: Okay, you drive a hard bargain, 250 dolla for couch.

Camera Guy: Would you forget about the couch?! Do you want a date or not?

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okey, I go out with you.

Camera Guy: No, that's not what I meant.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, you ask me out on date. I say, okay, we go.

Camera Guy: No, I'm not going out with you. I was just asking.

(Ms. Swan gets upset and cries)

Camera Guy: Oh, don't cry.

Ms. Swan: You don't want to go out with me? Force me out on a date, now you say no! You typical!

Camera Guy: No, look.

Ms. Swan: You a typical man, you do.

Camera Guy: Now look. Lady look. (comes out from camera)

Ms. Swan: No! No good! You just like a man, you take and you take and you take!

Camera Guy: Alright, I'll go out with you.

Ms. Swan: (cheers up) Okey.

Camera Guy: Okay.

Ms. Swan: Okay.

Camera Guy: F*ckin' job...

(start to walk out)

Ms. Swan: Wow, this is all so sudden. I can't believe it.

Announcer: For Ms. Swan, press 490.

Part III:

Announcer: Ms. Swan. Number 490.

(Ms. Swan and Camera Guy on couch)

Camera Guy: (to Ms. Swan) I have a huge fear of a commitment, you know? Sometimes, things work, then sometimes they don't.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okay.

Camera Guy: Alright (begins to walk back)

Ms. Swan: 'key. Loser.

Camera Guy: What?

Ms. Swan: Nothing.

Camera Guy: Now why don't you describe the kind of man that you want.

Ms. Swan: Yeah, okey. I tell you. I tell you what kind of man I want. I want- have to be a real man, you know? Not some jerk likea jerk boy over here.

Camera Guy: Alright!

Ms. Swan: Have to be sweet, you know, not go all day, and make you pay for eve'yting! No. And makea loud noises when you eat. Mwwa Mwwa Mwwa. You can't eat like this, no. And not ta, ta take you and not even go to the movie, you know! And the date end by 9 'o clock.

Camera Guy: Okay.

Ms. Swan: And make you take the bus home!

Camera Guy: Okay, that's enough!

Ms. Swan: I want a man who act like a man, okay, you know, lookalikeaman!

Camera Guy: Alright, thank you, that's good.

Ms. Swan: Man- I want a man who have a REAL job, not like this Bozo over here, okay. You call me, okay. (smiles)

Announcer: For Ms. Swan, press pound 490.


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.
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