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Old 10/15/2003, 6:29 PM
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Default Episode S01E13 (Aired 1996-02-10)

Lowered Expectations-Folk Singer
Willow (Nicole Sullivan), a free spirited folk singer with serious underarm hair, has come to Lowered Expectations looking for a man with a wit and a sass, who will fill her days with song.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Lowered Expectations Host), Nicole Sullivan (Willow)

Bryan's Lookout #1
The cast comes out to open the show, and Bryan tells all of them to lookout for the sketch in which he gets naked, and uses every muscle in his body, but the cast informs him that the sketch has been cut.

Credits: David Herman (Himself), Debra Wilson (Herself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself), Bryan Callen (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself)

Vista Card-Militia
Ronnie Lyle(Will Kepper)'s Militia Training Program trains everyday citizen's on how to wire, fire, deek, and dive to defend the homeland, and the freedom that is America. There's no taxation without retribution, and they don't take American Express, so all participants must bring their Vista Cards if they want to light that dark fire within themselves called America.

Credits: Will Kepper (Ronnie Lyle)

Dr. Goodwrench
A woman, Mrs. Caldwell (Mary Scheer) comes into a doctor’s office to pick up her husband, Mr. Caldwell (George Peters) from his check up, but the hospital found a few problems with him and threw him under the rack to get his heart replaced, and perform an appendectomy on him. When Mr. Caldwell comes out, they find that he is making a sound that sounds like a lung about to go. He will need a new one, but Caldwell has a party in 3 hours. To compensate for his absence, the hospital gives her a very acceptable loaner.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Daniel Goodwrench), Mary Scheer (Mrs. Caldwell), George Peters (Mr. Caldwell)

Spy Vs Spy-Rock Drop **Animation**
Black Spy is about to drop a rock on White Spy from his apartment building as he walks by. White Spy, seeing this, and throws his hat in the path of the rock, runs up to Black Spy's apartment, and plans to push him off the balcony, but this is a trap by Black Spy. His balcony is not really a balcony, but the back of a door. When White Spy runs to push him out, he pushes through the door, and falls head first on the rock.

Memory Power
Al Casdy (Bryan Callen) is back to promote his new product, Memory Wizard, the video that will help anyone remember everything they come across. The video show things like how to remember what people are wearing by focusing on the person’s characteristics via association, and how to remember words by writing them on your hand.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Al Casdy), Phil LaMarr (Bill)

XXX Files
Wynonna Juggs (Beckie Mullen), the cream of the porn industry has gone missing. One of 25 other porn stars to disappear in the last month. With the venerable porn industry under siege, Fox Mulder (David Herman), and Dana Scully (Mary Scheer) are sent to find the culprit. While searching Wynona’s room during the filming of a movie, the room fills with a bright light, and Fox and Dana suddenly find themselves on the head of an alien ship, kidnapped by the man who was holding the q-cards at the porn shoot. Q-card man (Phil LaMarr) is actually an alien from a planet that has lost all sexual desire, and has to rely on America's porn stars to procreate there race. They have been working with the US government. Trading there advanced technology for America's adult film celebrities. When Dana asks why the aliens, with their vast technological advancements have to work with the US government, when they could just take the stars by force, the aliens realize how stupid they have been, and send Fox and Dana back to Wynona’s room, under the impression that what they have experienced was all a dream.

Credits: Beckie Mullen (Wynonna Juggs), David Herman (David Duchovny: Fox Mulder), Mary Scheer (Gillian Anderson: Dana Scully), Bryan Callen (Director), Phil LaMarr (Alien: Q-Card Man), John Howard (Hunk), Donna Eskra (Porn Star)

Lowered Expectations-Danza
A man, Tony (David Herman) who feels he looks a lot like Tony Danza, comes to Lowered Expectations, wondering if there is any woman out there who want to date someone who looks like Tony Danza, because since Tony Danza is not available to most people, he is a well suited alternative.

Credits: David Herman (Tony)

You’re Cheatin' Head
A man, Barry (Bryan Callen) comes home to his wife, Betsy (Debra Wilson). Barry was just in a horrific motorcycle accident, and in order to save his brain, his brain was put into another man's body. The other man is coincidentally the same man, Chris that Betsy had been sleeping with, behind Barry's back. When Barry finds this out, he is broken. He wants to rip off his new head, because he knows that whenever she looks at him, she will see Chris's cheating face. Betsy's half sister Marge (Nicole Sullivan) then comes in. It turns out Barry has been cheating on Betsy with Marge, but Marge is not actually Marge. When they put Barry's brain into Chris's head, they had to put Chris's brain into someone. They put his brain in Marge's head, so to summarize, Barry's brain is now in Chris's head, which is on Barry's body. Chris is the man that Betsy has been cheating on Barry with, and Chris's brain is now in Betsy's half sister Marge's body, which Barry has been cheating on Betsy with. The location of Marge's brain is unknown. All this and other questions, revelations, and shocking allegations are to come in the next episode of Your Cheatin Head.

Credits: Debra Wilson (Betsy), Bryan Callen (Barry/Chris), Nicole Sullivan (Marge/Chris)

Don Martin--Chemistry Set **Animation**
A child is playing with potions. Potions that are turning him into a monster, but when his mom comes to see what he is doing, his mom turns out to be a monster, meaning the child did not begin as a monster.

Jim Carrey School of Acting
Jim Carrey (Bryan Callen), mega star, and media darling, has just come off making $20 million dollars off his last picture, and it wasn't due to any phony baloney actor techniques. It was due to his knowing of what the public wants, and the public wants things like people talking out of there rears. Jim will teach this, and many more things about his mannerisms at the new Jim Carrey School of Acting. Here, students will learn how to apply the Jim Carrey unique acting method to role, after role, after role, no matter what the part actually calls for.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Jim Carrey), Phil LaMarr (Teacher/Sidney Poitier), Debra Wilson (Female Student #1), Orlando Jones (Male Student #1), Nicole Sullivan (Female Student #2), Mary Scheer (Female Student #3), David Herman (Male Student #2)

Lowered Expectations-Bubble Ron
Ron (Bryan Callen), a boy who is terribly contagious, and has to remain in a plastic bubble for the rest of his life, has come to Lowered Expectations, wondering if there is any woman out there who would like to date a guy who loves to read, watch TV, and shake hands with people who come to visit him.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Ron)

Vancome Lady Hostage Negotiator
Vancome Lady Kathy Wajanowski (Nicole Sullivan) is working at First United Bank when a crazed gunman, Ray (David Herman) comes in, asking for $1 million dollars, an escort to the airport, and a fully loaded plane. Kathy however, does not feel that Ray is going to do anything, since he is already making demands, and he hasn't even killed anyone yet. Kathy is going to get them all killed, but she remains defiant. When Kathy suggests that if Ray is going to kill anyone, he should start with the loans officer (Mary Scheer), who she despises, the loans officer grabs the gun from Ray, and tells Kathy to get out. As Kathy leaves the bank, and enters the crowd of police men outside, she tells them that Ray is a cold blooded killer who is not going out without a fight, a hail of bullets go shooting through the bank as everyone hits the deck.

Credits: Mary Scheer (Loans Officer), David Herman (Ray), Nicole Sullivan (Kathy Wajanowski: The Vancome Lady), Debra Wilson (Bradley)

Sick of It
An employee (Orlando Jones) is tired of being the fall guy to his boss Stuart (Phil LaMarr), and says that all the crap he took from his boss is over. He then peruses to destroy Stuart's office. He tries to flip his desk over, but Stuart's desk weights too much for him to lift. He tries breaking Stuart's coffee mug, but the mug doesn't break. After trying to break one of his pencils unsuccessfully a phone call comes in. It is for the man. He has been given an assignment, and must go back to work. He tells Stuart, that this all isn't over, and leaves. However, he cannot get out of the office, as he can't even open the door, due to how weak he is.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Stewart), Orlando Jones (Employee)

That's How They Get You
Two men are sitting in a park, talking about all the ways "they" get you. One of them (David Herman) is upset that soda has gotten so expensive, because when the price of sugar goes up, the price of soda goes up, but when the price of sugar goes down, the price of soda stays the same, but they both feel that's just another way "they" get them. The other man (Bryan Callen) talks about going to see Ace Ventura: Pet Detective at a movie theatre, at a matinee price, but due to many money costing ventures, the movie went from a $4.00 charge, to costing $401.59, but again, that's just how "they" get you.

Credits: David Herman (Old Man), Bryan Callen (Man)

Quality Time
A man, Roger (Phil LaMarr) is about to be visited by his son, Troy (Anjay Smith). However, he only gets 3 minutes of visitation rights. In those 3 minutes, he plans to fit in an entire 3 days, into the 3 minutes. In this time he feeds Troy his favourite breakfast, French toast, asks him what he wants to do when he grows up, teaches him how to box, gives him lunch, puts him in a timeout, does homework with him, plays football with him, and teaches him the facts of life.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Roger), Debra Wilson (Laura), Anjay Smith (Troy)

Foreign Psychiatrist
Michael (Phil LaMarr) goes to see a therapist, Dr. Grizicka (Mary Scheer) to get some help, after being fired from his job, and dumping his girlfriend, but Grizicka is foreign, and though she studied English in school, she is still foreign to the language. She understands English, but now colloquial words, like shrink, canned, fired, and hit the bricks. Michael gets really frustrated with having to explain every colloquial meaning to Grizicka, and just wants her to listen. She then puts all of what Michael has said together, and comes to the conclusion that he didn't like the can of soup his boss gave him, so he put his girlfriend in a dump because she wouldn't kiss his second base. Michael sarcastically says yes, and leaves. Grizicka tells him to be careful not to have his ass hit the door as he leaves.

Credits: Phil LaMarr (Michael), Mary Scheer (Grizicka)

Bryan's Lookout #2
Bryan tells everyone to watch out for the sketch he mentioned earlier in next week’s show, but everyone tells him that it's not going to happen. Phil then pushes Bryan to the couch behind him, and begins to beat on him. As the credits roll, David approaches the camera and tells the audience that he hopes the new Bryan character catches on, where he says stupid stuff, and the cast beats on him.

Credits: Bryan Callen (Himself), Phil LaMarr (Himself), Debra Wilson (Herself), David Herman (Himself), Mary Scheer (Herself), Orlando Jones (Himself), Nicole Sullivan (Herself)


  • Bryan Callen (1A/8S/0W/0AF)
  • David Herman (2A/5S/0W/0AF)
  • Orlando Jones (3A/1S/2W/0AF)
  • Phil LaMarr (5A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Artie Lange (0A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Mary Scheer (3A/4S/0W/0AF)
  • Nicole Sullivan (3A/3S/0W/0AF)
  • Debra Wilson (6A/1S/0W/0AF)

  • Will Kepper (0A/1S/0W/0AF)
  • George Peters (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Beckie Mullen (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • John Howard (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Donna Eskra (1A/0S/0W/0AF)
  • Anjay Smith (0A/1S/0W/0AF)


  • (A)ppearance Credit
  • (S)tarring Credit
  • (W)riting Credit
  • Non-Speaking Credit
  • (A)rchival (F)ootage Credit

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 07/05/2009 at 3:12 AM.
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Old 06/22/2009, 3:31 AM
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*When a sketch has an asterisk next to it, that means that the sketch was probably topical at the time, but doesn't make sense (at least to me) now.


Artie Alert! Since Artie was still recovering from his recent drug trip, I will put an Artie Alert on any sketch I think Artie most likely would have been in, had he still been on the show.


Lowered Expectations-Folk Singer: This is one of my most favourite Lowered Expectations ever. I love Nicole's singing in this, and I love the audiences reaction to the song. Even with the underarm hair, I'd still bang her. The highlight was the song.

Bryan's Lookout #1: Wasn't very funny. The closing was better, but I will get into that when the closing comes. Artie Alert! Artie probably would have been in this, since every cast member was in the opening

*Vista Card-Militia: I didn't get this one at all. It wasn't even very funny. Was this suppose to be topical back then or something? I didn't get it at all, and it seemed like a long way to go for a parody ad.

Dr. Goodwrench: Not too bad. The highlight was Mrs. Caldwell getting the loaner, and saying that she hadn't ridden a stick in years.

Spy Vs Spy-Rock Drop **Animation**: Creative, but I thought it still was a little odd. How did the White Spy not notice that he could not see Black Spy through the opening? The highlight was the fact that if the White Spy didn't throw his hat in the way of the rock, and have it crushed, he would have had some protection when he landed head first on the rock.

Memory Power: It was alright. The highlight was Al putting the coon skin hat on Bill and connecting it to something that is gray, when he probably would have been better to associate the tie with Bill's soon to be graying hair..

XXX Files: This one was pretty funny. The highlight was Fox talking to the porno actress, with her response to something being "yes, yes!" when the answer was no, and she was just saying yes, because of the things the hunk was doing to her. Artie Alert! I think Artie would have been a better porno director than Bryan.

Lowered Expectations-Danza: This one was good, but the highlight was at the end when Tony really started to throw in that he looked like Tony Danza, and started saying "who's the boss, who's the boss".

You’re Cheatin' Head: This one was actually one of the most creative MADtv sketches I have seen the show do. It was so hard to follow. I had to watch it over again to get all the references. The highlight was, after Betsy making a big fit about Chris being here, and that Barry was going to kill him, only to find out that Chris is Barry, getting asked the question of "who's Chris", and then telling her that the donor is anonymous, but that it was probably the head of someone named Chris.

Don Martin--Chemistry Set **Animation**: This one was actually good, because it was creative.

Jim Carrey School of Acting: I found this so funny because when I was summarizing this, in the summary (which you can see above), channel 38 here was running like a Jim Carrey marathon of movies, channel 47 here was running The Truman Show, and the fact that I was doing the MADtv episode with the Jim Carrey impression in it was just so funny to me. The highlight was Jim showing all of his performances in movies, which is just him saying All righty then, except in Batman Forever, where he says All righty then... Batman. Artie Alert! Since all the cast was in the classroom, I assume Artie would have also been there.

Lowered Expectations-Bubble Ron: Definitely the weakest one of these. Probably the reason why it was so late in the episode.

Vancome Lady Hostage Negotiator: Don't get me wrong. I like Vancome. Any Vancome sketch is good, but as far as Vancome sketches go, this one was a lower ones. The highlight was Kathy saying that Ray should have killed somebody before he made his demands, and then Ray turning to Kathy asking her if he should kill her, and Kathy responding with "La la la. La la la la la". Artie Alert! I would have just thrown in Artie into this sketch just so he would have more play in the episode.

Sick of It: I more like the blooper (from the DVD) for this one, where Orlando tries to break the coffee mug, breaks it, and says "that wasn't suppose to happen". The highlight was Orlando trying to break the pencil, but not even succeeding in doing that.

That's How They Get You: It was alright, but didn't really generate big laughs from me. Definitely deserved to be in the spot it was in the episode. The highlight was Bryan's character saying how he went to a screening of Ace Ventura at a matinée price, but it ended up costing him over $400, because I have experienced similar things when it comes to the movies. Artie Alert! I think Artie would have been good in ether role, and in some cases even better than Bryan or David.

Quality Time: This sketch wasn't really very good, because I just felt sad for Roger when the time ran out. He seems like a good father who just wants to see his son. The highlight was Roger getting mad at Troy for wasting food, and telling him to go in the corner and think about what he did.

Foreign Psychiatrist: Alright, but I wish this one was earlier. It could have really spread out the Bryan sketches. The highlight was Grizicka telling Michael to be careful that the door doesn't hit his ass on the way out.

Bryan's Lookout #2: I liked this one better, because of what happened when the credits rolled. I loved David going to the camera and saying that this is a new character, Bryan. What is funnier is in the bloopers (on the DVD) when David walks behind Bryan and pretends to perform anal sex on him while he's on the couch. Artie Alert! I think Artie would have been in this one, because, well the entire cast was here.

Out of 90 stars, this episode got 60 1/2. That's about a C rating, which is odd because this was a very good episode. This was a really Bryan heavy episode, which I thought would be really bad because I'm not that big of a Bryan fan, but it got more 5 stars than any other episodes. I think this is a record for most 5 stars I've ever given out. A very decent episode, and I can't wait to see that Bryan sketch in the next episode! As for Artie Alert!, if Artie had been in this episode, his stats would have been 5A/1S/0W.


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