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Old 11/12/2006, 4:15 PM
Hypn0 Male Hypn0 is offline
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Default Three Minute Meal (#1122)

Crista Flanagan – Wendy Walker
Michael Hitchcock - Announcer

(Note: Bold, non-italic text = Wendy's lines)

(Setting: Kitchen with large central counter)

Announcer: It’s “3-Minute Meal” with the “Queen of Quick Cuisine,” Wendy Walker!

(Wendy is standing behind counter, smiling at camera)

Welcome to the show! Tuna melts. Tuna melts are simple. All you need is … (places ingredients one-by-one at front of counter) tuna … celery … mayonnaise … cheese … and bread. That’s it! And now it’s time to begin our … (poses with hands on hips) 3-Minute Meal!

(Clock begins ticking)

(Wendy picks up can of tuna) Now, the first thing you want to do is put the tuna in a bowl, (looks up) and I did not realize there was going to be a ticking sound. (Pauses with concerned look) Um, that’s a little distracting. Um … (shrugs slightly and smiles toward camera) Okay, where was I? Um … Oh, yes! To save time, buy tuna cans with pop-tops. Quick and easy!

(Wendy pulls on tab, which breaks off)

(Wendy is concerned) Wow, that was not supposed to happen. Um … (puts down tuna and smiles) Okay, I guess we WILL have to use a can opener. (Talking to production crew, looking slightly worried) Do we have a can opener? Anybody? Nobody? Okay, (smiling to camera) no worries. (Searches around kitchen, opening and closing several drawers)

(Wendy pulls one drawer from its slots and stares inside)

(Wendy looks up, aware of ticking) Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock. (Looks into drawer and digs through it) Ah! (Pulls out can opener) Got it! (Places can opener on counter) Let’s get this 3-Minute Meal going!

(Wendy attempts to place drawer back into its slots, but hastily tosses it to floor)

(Wendy begins opening can of tuna) Now, I prefer water-packed tuna. Some people like oil. But, if you’re watching the calories, water is the way to go.

(Wendy begins turning can opener at faster pace until lid is completely detached)

(Wendy removes lid and sniffs inside) Yum-my! (Places can at edge of counter) We’ll just put this right over here …

(Can of tuna falls from counter, causing Wendy to sigh and look around nervously)

Now, for those of you who don’t know … (Ducks beneath counter) Tuna is an almost perfect food. (Uses bare hand to scoop tuna back into can) It’s, uh … It’s, uh … It’s low in cholesterol and, uh … let’s face it. It tastes great. (Places can back on counter while still crouching) Okay! Let’s get this 3-Minute Meal going!

(Wendy stands up, banging her head underneath another drawer) Ow! Ow!

(Wendy staggers around, placing hand on forehead) Ooh, ooh, ooh … Oh, my god. Oh, my god, I hit my head. Oh, god. (Removes hand and examines it) I’m bleeding! I’m bleeding! *gasp* (Angrily talking to production crew) You know, I told you guys this was a FOUR-minute meal so I wouldn’t have to rush! *gasp* (Places towel on forehead) Just stop that ticking! JUST STOP THAT TICKING!!!

(Clock stops ticking; Wendy continues applying towel to forehead until bleeding stops)

(Wendy is now calm) Okay … (Puts down towel) That is better. Okay, (empties tuna into bowl) let’s get the tuna in the bowl. (Breathing hard) And the next step is …

(Clock resumes ticking)

(Wendy looks around, very annoyed) Okay. That stupid clock says that I don’t have time to make tuna melts. (Slaps counter) So, fine (Fake smile). Today, we’re just gonna have plain old tuna sandwiches. We have (briefly holds up bowl) the tuna, (grabs mayonnaise) and we have the mayonnaise. (Wendy begins twisting lid, which does not budge)

(Wendy becomes frustrated, showing teeth, banging jar against counter, then banging bottom of jar with palm)

(Wendy resumes twisting lid) *gasp* You know, it’s, uh … it’s really difficult to open mayonnaise … when your fingers are covered in your own blood, and … and your head is filled with the endless ticking of a stupid sound ef-FECT! (Throws mayonnaise across kitchen)

(Wendy looks around) Fine … We’re, uh … (grabs bag of bread) we’re just gonna have tuna and bread.

(Wendy fights back tears while attempting to untwist ribbon from bag)

(Wendy rips bag in a fit of rage) AARGH!!! (Bread slices are scattered over counter)

(Wendy hastily scoops tuna onto bread slice using bare hand)

(Wendy shrugs, as clock signals end of time limit) Fine, this is our, uh … 3-Minute Meal, “Dirty Bloody Tuna.” From a can. Enjoy. (Begins sobbing and eating tuna)

(Camera zooms out, lights dim)

Announcer: “3-Minute Meal with Wendy Walker” will no longer be seen at this time. Join us next week for “TWO-Minute Meal with Wendy Walker.” She’ll REALLY go crazy. We’re gonna use this sound effect.

(Grandfather clock sound is played, causing Wendy to flinch and drop everything)


Last edited by Hypn0; 11/16/2006 at 2:13 AM.
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Old 11/12/2006, 4:20 PM
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Cagnazzo Male Cagnazzo is offline
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Another little tidbit you could add was that Michael Hitchcock was the voice of the announcer at the very beginning and end of the sketch.

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Old 11/12/2006, 4:24 PM
Hypn0 Male Hypn0 is offline
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Originally Posted by xCagnazzo View Post
Another little tidbit you could add was that Michael Hitchcock was the voice of the announcer at the very beginning and end of the sketch.
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Old 12/12/2006, 1:15 PM
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music_man86 Male music_man86 is offline
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This sketch was FUNNY! I laughed harder at this one than any other sketch that night. Christa was awesome!


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