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Old 12/29/2004, 6:32 PM
elscorcho Male elscorcho is offline
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Default Be-Bitched (#207)

Nicole Sullivan.........“Nice” Samantha
Debra Wilson..........“Bitchy” Samantha
David Herman.........Darren
Bryan Callen...........Larry Tate
Mary Scheer............Louise Tate
Orlando Jones........Mr. Olsen

(scene opens with a theme similar to the Bewitched theme, only it’s called Be-bitched)

Nice Samantha: (On the phone with her mother) Yes, mother, I know he’s a mortal, but I love him…Well, yes, he has forbidden me to use my powers, but don’t worry, I can handle this mortal without having to resort to bitch-craft!

(Darren walks in)

Nice Samantha: Oh! Darren’s home, talk to you later! (hangs up the phone)

Darren: Samantha! I’m home!

Nice Samantha: Hi darling! (kisses Darren) How was your day?

Darren: Oh, you don’t want to know! What’s for dinner?

Nice Samantha: Well…I’m sorry Darren, but Uncle Arthur came over with his life partner today and…well, I forgot to make dinner.

Darren: Sam!! How many times do I have to tell you? The Tates are coming over tonight with our new client! When I say dinner should be on the table by six, I mean dinner should be on the table by six!

(Nice Samantha wiggles her nose and becomes Bitchy Samantha)

Bitchy Samantha: Who, do you think YOU are talking to?? Oh, you’re so hungry? If you’re so hungry, why don’t you fix your own damn dinner??

Darren: Calm down honey. You promised no bitch-craft, I need to make a good impression tonight!

Bitchy Samantha: Oh, YOU need, YOU need! What about MY needs??

Darren: Sam, please! You’re acting just like…

Bitchy Samantha: (interrupts Darren) Ahh don’t you say it, don’t you dare use that word! You knew what you were getting when you married me!!

(doorbell rings, and Bitchy Samantha wiggles her nose and becomes Nice Samantha again, and goes to answer the door.)

Nice Samantha: I’ll get it! Larry, Louise, so nice to see you!

Louise: Sam, you look great. I honestly don’t know how you do it!

Nice Samantha: Well, thank you Louise. And this must be your new client.

Larry: Sam, Darren, allow me to introduce Mr. Olsen, from Olsen Pharmaceuticals.

Nice Samantha: Mr. Olsen, how nice! I’m a big fan of your birth control pills!

Mr. Olsen: Nice place you’ve got here Stevens! We’re not paying you too much are we?

Darren: Oh, goodness, no Mr. Olsen! Here, come, sit everyone! Would you all like a martini?

Larry: Sounds great.

Louise: I’d love one…Sam, let me help you.

Nice Samantha: Thanks, Louise! We’ll be right back, boys!

(Samantha and Louise go into the kitchen)

Darren: So, I hope you liked our ideas for you new campaign, Mr. Olsen.

Larry: Mr. Olsen, Darren is a genius, he’s pure genius!

Mr. Olsen: I hate it!

Larry: Did I say genius? I meant…uh, retarded! He’s profoundly retarded!

(Samantha and Louise return from the kitchen, Samantha is holding a tray with martinis on it.)

Nice Samantha: Well, here we are!

Mr. Olsen: It’s about time you got back with those drinks!

(Nice Samantha wiggles her nose and becomes Bitchy Samantha again.)

Bitchy Samantha: Here, Mr. Olsen, have one. (She spills the tray of drinks in Mr. Olsen’s lap.)

Mr. Olsen: Look what you’ve done!!

Bitchy Samantha: Shut up, you uptight alcoholic old coot! I am not a servant for you to be ordering around! Now, take the stick out your ass! And while you’re at it, pucker up, so you can kiss mine!

Mr. Olsen: Well, I never!!

Darren: Sam, please!

Bitchy Samantha: Now you listen up, and you listen good! You either drop the attitude, or I’m gonna give you a good reason to take some of those pain killers you push!

Mr. Olsen: That’s it! I’m leaving! And you can kiss the Olsen Pharmaceuticals account good-bye!

Darren: No, Mr. Olsen! I can explain!

Larry: Yes, Mr. Olsen, he can explain! (to Darren) Start explaining!

(Bitchy Samantha wiggles her nose and turns back to Nice Samantha)

Nice Samantha: I can explain! You see, Mr. Olsen, Larry and Darren were just showing you your new spokesperson for Olsen Pharmaceuticals!

Darren: We were? I mean…We were!

Nice Samantha: Yes, after all, aren’t your biggest customers housewives, who are addicted to you sedative Qualax?

Mr. Olsen: We prefer the term, dependant, but please go on.

Nice Samantha: I was doing the character for your new television campaign! It’s a harried housewife who needs to relax. And the slogan is: “Qualax: it’s tranquilicious!”

Larry: I hate it!

Mr. Olsen: I love it!

Larry: Oh…I love it! Yes! Now, Mr. Olsen will take care of the paperwork, and Darren and I will be in your office first thing in the morning!

Mr. Olsen: That’s fine, Tate, fine. Good work, Stevens! Fine work!

(Larry and Louise are walking out the door)

Louise: Larry, can I talk to you for a moment? I think Sam’s a bitch!

Darren: Good night Mr. Olsen.

(Mr. Olsen and the Tates leave.)

Darren: Well, you did it again, honey. How did I get to be so lucky?

Nice Samantha: Well you just did what every man wishes he could do: You married a bitch!

Darren: Did I ever!

(Darren and Samantha kiss, then he smacks her butt and they run upstairs.)
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Old 06/09/2008, 11:27 PM
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