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Old 09/13/2004, 9:42 PM
KayceeJ's Avatar
KayceeJ Female KayceeJ is offline
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Default Drunk President (#210)

Sketch: Drunk President (#210)

DAVID HERMAN - Himself / President
ARTIE LANGE - Special Agent Mitchem

[::Open in the presidential bedroom which is filled with food and garbage. The special agent is sitting in the same room. David wakes up::]

DAVID: Oh. Oh my head. (Sees agent) Who the hell are you?

AGENT: Special Agent Mitchem. Good morning, sir

DAVID: Oh, this is bad. Im sorry. I'll get out of here. I gotta get home

AGENT: You are home, Mr President

DAVID: who are you talking to?

AGENT: You, sir

DAVID: Where am I?

AGENT: You're in your bedroom, sir

DAVID: Ok, if I'm in my bedroom, than how did you get in here?

AGENT: I have a key. We all do


AGENT: The secret service, Mr President

DAVID: (repeating to himself) The secret service, Mr President (chuckles). Ok, If I'm the president, what's the president doing in this dump, huh?

AGENT: Oh, you've done some redecorating, sir

[::david runs to the window and opens up the curtains. There is a view of the Capitol building::]

DAVID: Nice hellicopter

AGENT: It's yours, sir

DAVID: Ok, look. The last thing i remember was being at the piper's pub with my girlfriend. She asked me what I thought about seeing other people and I told her I would get back to her after I had 30 beers.

AGENT: There's really not much more to the story, sir. You got piss drunk, ran for president, and won.

DAVID: How long have I been drunk?

AGENT: You have just started your second term

DAVID: Ok, look. You're saying that the people of America elected a drunk man president?

AGENT: And then re-elected him

DAVID: That's impossible. My name is David Herman. I failed high school twice. I butter bagels for a living. How in the hell would anyone elect me to be president?

AGENT: Well, I think people found you kind of refreshing, sir. I mean, you are pretty up front with your views

DAVID: I don't have any views!

AGENT: Maybe not now sir but when you get in front of a TV Camera with a bottle of Jack Daniels, you can be extremely opinionated. You changed America!


AGENT: Well, you went to the war against crime with your brilliant "Give us your guns, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" bill. And you won the war against drugs with your brilliant "Give us your drugs, or we'll blow your freakin' heads off" campaign.

DAVID: I actually said "Freakin"?

AGENT: No sir. But I'm a morman

DAVID: Look, I am the first to admit that America isn't the swiftest country in the world, but this is absolutely-

AGENT: People were skeptical at first, sir. But when you gave your famous "Bitch slap to America" speech, they really started to listen.

DAVID: So I just get drunk and people listen?

AGENT: Yes, basically that's it sir. Your campaign slogan was "Hey America, Last Call".

DAVID: What does that mean?

AGENT: I don't know sir. But it was sure as hell more catchier than "Four more with Clinton and Gore".

DAVID: Oh god, this is like a nightmare!

AGENT: Actually, no sir. In five short years, you have put people on mars and aquired 3 new states

DAVID: Three new states?

AGENT: Cuba, Seskatchuwan, and Germany.

DAVID: How did I go about aquiring 3 new states?

AGENT: Well, with cuba, you just simply woke up one morning, went to the U.N, and told the people and I quote "Cuba is now part of the United States, anybody got a problem with that?".

DAVID: And nobody had a problem with that?

AGENT: Well, the ambassodor of France said certain objections but that ended when you asked him to step outside. Seskatchuwan was a straight up trade with Canada.

DAVID: What did we give them?

AGENT: Aerosmith.

DAVID: I see. Now when you say Germany, that's Germany as in Germany, Germany, right?

AGENT: Oh yes. You won Germany in World War 3. World War 3 only lasted 20 minutes and ended with you smashing a bottle over the chancellor's face. But perhaps your greatest achievement, sir, was your cure for cancer.

DAVID: How did I cure cancer?

AGENT: Well, you took nine of the heads of the world's largest corporation and gave them all cancer. Within seven months, we had 4 different cures.

DAVID: I sound like the perfect president

AGENT: Acutally no, sir. Alcoholism has become a big problem.

DAVID: No kidding. What do I do now?

AGENT: Have some breakfast.

DAVID: No, I mean what do i do now that im sober?

AGENT: Have some breakfast. Breakfast, of course, being a bottle of gin.

DAVID: Ok. Then what?

AGENT: Well, then at 12:00, you challenged the speaker of the house to a pissing contest. Then after that, you are taking the Mrs for a joy ride in air force one.

DAVID: Who am I married to?

AGENT: Wynona Rider.

DAVID: Yeah! No kidding?

AGENT: No kidding, sir.

DAVID: Ok, well then, cancel the pissing contest, hand me that bottle of gin and send for the first lady.

AGENT: Done.

DAVID: And, uh, Mitchem?

AGENT: Yes, sir?

DAVID: Don't tell anyone you saw me this way.

AGENT: Who would believe me?

[::End with the agent exiting and David relaxing in the bed with the bottle of gin::]
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View Post Old 09/13/2004, 11:31 PM
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Old 09/14/2004, 3:10 PM
KayceeJ's Avatar
KayceeJ Female KayceeJ is offline
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well, i thought it sounded like Mitchem
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Old 05/06/2005, 2:16 PM
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Heart Funny.

Originally posted by sarducci
I don't think David was playing himself, he just played a drunk man whose name happened to be David Herman. I don't think they made any reference to his career on MADtv or him playing himself; but if you wanna keep it, it's fine. Also, I think it might be spelled Mitchum?
First off, I want to say it was a funny sketch. Also, maybe it was David before he came on Mad Tv. Maybe buttering bagels is what he used to do.

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