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Old 02/17/2003, 12:59 PM
Geometry Sucks.
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Los Angeles, California,
Posts: 1,222
Default I Do (#221)

Newlywed Wife: Nicole Sullivan
Newlywed Husband: Bryan Callen
Priest: Phil LaMarr
Man in audience: Pablo Francisco

Priest: ...And this is an especially joyous occasion, because the bride and groom, Rosie and Jeff, in order to show their love and commitment toward one another, have written their own vows.
(The audience mumurs an "Awwwwwwww.")
Priest: Jeff, please begin.

Newlywed Husband: Uh, Rosie, you brought life, love, and lightness to my world, and I will forever cherish our lives together.

Priest: Rosie?

Newlywed Wife: Oh, Jeff, your love and support has been an inspiration, and your kindness a rainbow of smiles.

Priest: And---

Newlywed Wife: (Interrupting priest) And, you know, when we first met, everyone was surprised I'd even go out on a date with you. "He's really not your type," they said. They were right. I mean, my previous boyfriend Jonathan was, as everyone here remembers, an extremely well-built Nordic blonde, and a Rhode scholar, who now has a thriving law practice in Conneticut; whereas you, look like this (pointing to Jeff), and (speaking in Old English) sall kill, my Lordship. But, that's not important. What's important, Jeff, is that you came to me when I was all alone in the world. My heart broken, my dreams dead-- I mean, Jonathan and I had gone out for eight years and had just broken up-- I was a mess! And, you, were there. So, sure. I thought I'd be standing opposite to Jonathan right now. But am I? No. But Mr. Non-commitment found it easier to be with some bimbo secretary. (Raising tone of voice) And of course, Jonathan said, "Well, I thought I loved you, but I guess I never really did. Weird, huh?" And I said, "Yeah, weird! Why didn't you tell me before I worked as a cocktail waitress in that hell-hole butt-binder's for years to put you through Yale! (Yelling) FOR WHAT?!! FOR WHAT?!! FOR WHAT?!! SO YOU CAN LEAVE ME FOR SOME SLUT WITH A FAKE ASS?!! WELL YOU KNOW WHAT, JONATHAN?!! (Screaming) IF THERE'S A GOD, MAY YOU BURN IN HELL!! MAY YOU JUST BURN IN HELL! (Lowering voice, calming down) So, to all my friends, who told me not to go out with Jeff, I'm not saying you were wrong. I'm just saying that Jeff here, is a man. (Whimpering) And I don't want to die alone! (Calm) And I will not die alone, my love, and neither will you. And regardless of what anyone says, I do love you. In my own way.

Man in audience: Awwwwww.
(Everybody else in the audience immediately starts staring at the man who uttered an "Awww.")
Priest: (Somewhat dazed) Yes, well, uh... ...And now, if there is anyone here present today who knows of any reason why these two should not be joined in holy matrimony--
(EVERYBODY in the audience raises his/her hand except for the man who uttered an "Awww" earlier.)
Priest: Jeff?

Newlywed Husband: What?

Priest: Uh, I see you two kids know what you're doing. Uh, I now pronounce you... ...Man and wife.
(The newlywed husband proceeds to kiss his wife.)
Newlywed Wife: (Pushing Jeff away) Ah, none of the lips.
(The newlywed husband kisses his wife anyway.)
Man in audience: Awwwwwwwwww.
(Every member of the audience again proceeds to stare at the man who uttered an "Awww.")

Last edited by newt007; 07/20/2004 at 6:21 PM.
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Old 03/03/2003, 10:48 PM
Bryansgirl's Avatar
Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
Right-wing rocker
Join Date: Oct 2002
Location: Indiana
Posts: 2,101
Good job, MADMADMAD! I love that one! It's just so true, so it makes it even funnier. Keep up the great work!

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
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Old 11/19/2003, 7:14 PM
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Ant29 Female Ant29 is offline
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Posts: 210
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Old 07/20/2004, 5:19 PM
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Alyssa Female Alyssa is offline
okay :|
Join Date: May 2004
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 491
Why didn't you tell me before I worked as a cocktail waitress in that hell-hole butt-binder's for years to put you through the day!
I know this is minor but it's supposed to be "I worked as a cocktail waitress in that hell-hole butt-binder's for years to put you through Yale"

Otherwise you did an awesome job.

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