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Old 05/31/2004, 2:46 PM
newt007's Avatar
newt007 Male newt007 is offline
Hawt bytch
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Location: Rensselaer, NY
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Default Angela: My Big Fat Canadian Cousin (#816)

Angela- Stephnie Weir
Natalie- Paul Vogt
Luke (football player)- Ike B.
Football player- Frank Caliendo
Football player- Josh Meyers
Greta Adams- Christina Moore
Male Cheerleader- Ron Pederson

Angela: (talking into camera while in front of a crowd of football players) And 3... 2... 1. Hello, Mrs. Rogers. This is Angela Wright. In loo(?) of the F that you gave me on my social studies paper, entitled "Football causes female eating disorders", I present to you hardcore video documentation to support my thesis and hopefully encourage you to change my grade. This is my cousin Natalie. She's visiting from Canada. Natalie, come here. Stand right here.

Natalie: (comes into view) Hi.

Angela: Natalie is chubby and yet somehow she maintains incredible self esteem. Natalie, on a scale from 1 to 10, how do you see yourself?

Natalie: A ten... no eleven. (giggles)

Angela: (rolls eyes) All right, well, that's all about to change right before your very eyes. You're going to see an eating disorder develop. Over my shoulder is the Boyd Junior High School football team.

Natalie: Oh my god. They're so cute.

Angela: Cute... but vicious. I want you to throw yourself into that pool of adolescent shark, while I video record your self esteem being devoured like a bloody baby seal.

Natalie: Okay! (starts to run over to football players)

Angela: By the way, I'm calling this exposé "My big fat Canadian cousin"

(Natalie greets the football players)

Angela: (narrating) I can't see what they're saying so, I'm gonna zoom in and see is we can read there lips.

(Natalie continues to be friendly around the players and they're friendly, too)

Angela: Oh my god! I think Sam just called Natalie, "Fatalie"! Oh no! Don't take it, Natalie. Don't take it. All right, she's gonna cry. I'm pullin' her out. (yells) Natalie! Come here!

(Natalie runs back and waves back)

Angela: Oh my god. Are you okay? Are you all right? What did they say to you? What did they say? Word for word!

Natalie: I-I was like 'Hi' and they were like 'Hi. Are you new in school?' I was like 'No, I'm just visiting from Canada'

Angela: Uh huh!

Natalie: And then- I dunno. They must love Canada 'cause they just went nuts!

Angela: Did they say anything about your corpulence?

Natalie: No! They were really sweet! Especially Luke!

Angela: (looks at football players) Luke was sweet? M- I dunno. That's weird! May- Maybe they had a spiritual epiphany over the weekend or something. Okay, wait here. I'll be back! (runs over to football players) Hey guys! Hey! What up, guys? What up dawg?

(They call her a dog and trip her and pick her up and swing her around and hit her with a football and throw her)

Angela: (yelling) OWWW! Help! (runs back) All right, no spiritual epiphany. Cut!

(Camera cuts and now there is a close up with the football players and the cheerleaders are there, too)

Angela: (narrates) Okay, this is perfect. Greta Adams is over there talking to the football guys. (walks in front of camera) Okay, come here.

(Natalie comes to view)

Angela: The minute they see you standing next to Greta, it will remind them how much they hate porky chicks. And the insults will start flying like puke at the tilt-a-whirl. Okay, so go over there.

Natalie: Okay. (starts to run back)

Angela: And if the football players don't rip her to shreds, then the cheerleaders will because they hate fat! They are skinny Nazis! They hate fat so much they won't even take a deep breath because it makes them look fat. Natalie will never survive. Those two-- (stops because she hears Natalie in the background)

(Natalie and the cheerleaders are cheering)

Angela: What are you doing, Natalie? Stop it! Come here!

Natalie: (runs back) I can't believe they never heard the banana cheer. Oh, oh, Luke asked me out.

Angela: (angry) He did not! I don't understand. 'Kay, did anyone say anything about you being fat?

Natalie: No!

Angela: Not even the male cheerleader?

Natalie: No.

Angela: I don't understand this. You can usually count on the homosexual for a sassy zinger. This doesn't make sense. Did you tell them you were dying or something?

Natalie: No! You- I- I dunno, I guess... This might sound queer, but maybe my parents are right... If you love and respect yourself, then others can't help but love and respect you.

Angela: No, that's just something parents say when they realize their kids are losers. I gotta turn this in. CUT!

(Camera cuts away)

Angela: Okay, I finally figured out a way how to unleash their wrath.

(Football players and cheerleaders call for Natalie)

Natalie: I gotta go. My friends are calling me! They're calling me!

Angela: One minute! Okay, take their football!!

Natalie: Okay, okay!

Angela: They hate it when you take their football. Trust me, they hate it.

(Natalie has football in hand and they start to play football)

Angela: I don't understand. What are you guys doing? Can I play? (runs over) Can I play?

(Natalie tosses Angela the ball) (The football players tackle her with rage)

Angela: OWW! You're crushing my legs!

(The male cheerleaders jumps in the pile)


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.

Last edited by newt007; 09/24/2005 at 8:21 PM.
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Old 05/31/2004, 6:25 PM
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KayceeJ Female KayceeJ is offline
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Posts: 206
great transcript! this is my favorite angela sketch! Keep up the great work!
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Old 05/31/2004, 6:36 PM
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Dartanian Male Dartanian is offline
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Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Auckland
Posts: 4,606
DAMN YOU NEWT!!!!!! I was going to do this one.

Just kidding about the "damn you" although I was really going to do this one.

Even though they didn't have speaking roles in this sketch,


were football players (Ike had a name)


were cheerleaders (I think Christina had a name)

Even though they didn't say anything, you should include them in cast because they were infact in the sketch.

What happened to Andrae?
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Old 05/31/2004, 6:39 PM
newt007's Avatar
newt007 Male newt007 is offline
Hawt bytch
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Join Date: Feb 2004
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Okay, I'll edit them in. i was considering it... but didn't. u can do Angela: Montel if you downloaded it. i wasn't planning on doing it, just so ya know.


Selena Luna = Best. Castmember. Ever.
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Old 03/22/2005, 4:11 PM
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Steph Weir Fan Female Steph Weir Fan is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania
Posts: 273
this Angela rocked...it was soo funny

:heart: ~Stephnie Weir + Michael McDonald + Mo Collins + Josh Meyers~ :heart:

"It's not about molding yourself into the person you admire, but rather following their lead in finding and embracing your own unique voice."
~Stephnie Weir
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