[MADtv] Antonia: Airport (#323)

[newt007]

Joe- Phil LaMarr
Antonia- Nicole Sullivan
Stewardess- Debra Wilson
Airport Worker- Aries Spears


Joe: (in airport, talking to the stewardess, on a crashing plane) I'll be back woth you in two minutes! (to workers) All right people, listen up. We got a situation on our hands. We got a 767 flyin' through the air with no crew. Everyone who had the Por Tar-Tar dinner sick, possibly dying. We're gonna have to talk this puppy down. I need everybodt to stay sharp. Okay... Marie, Can you hear me? Marie, honey?

Stewardess: (nauseous) Yes, Joe. What are we gonna do?

Joe: Marie? Can you help me bring this plane down?

Stewardess: I don't-- I don't think I can do it. Joe, I... (collapse to floor)

Joe: Marie? Marie? Damn it! Lost her!

Airport worker: What are we gonna do?

Joe: We're gonna bring that plane down. If I have to get out on that runway with my old literlly catcher mitten, catch it--

Antonia: (on plane) Hello?

Joe: Hello?

Antonia: Hello?

Joe: Hello. Who is this?

Antonia: Hello?

Joe: Whoever this is, do you have any experience flying planes?

Antonia: Yess.

Joe: Great. Great. Okay, what kind of planes have you flown?

Antonia: I don't know.

Joe: All right, that's not important. The important thing is that you've flown. Now, do you think you can land this plane?

Antonia: I believe it is possible.

Joe: Fantastic. That's what I want to hear. All right, this is gonna be easy. Sweetheart, what's your name?

Antonia: Antonia.

Joe: Antonia, I'm Joe.

Antonia: Hello, Joe.

Joe: Hi. Okay, let's start with the basics...

Antonia: I have a cat named CeCe.

Joe: Excuse me?

Antonia: You're excused.

Joe: Ha. Very funny, sweetie. But we do not have time for games. All right, now, I want you to look up above you. You should see the auto-pilot switch.

Antonia: Auto-Pilot! (hits auto pilot switch and plane begins to fall)

Joe: NO!! TURN IT- Hit the Auto-Pilot switch again!!! Hit it again.

(Antonia hits the switch again and plane goes steadily again)

Joe: Okay, all right. It's my fault. I should've been more clear. Now, I didn't intend for you to hot the switch. I just wanted you to make sure you knew where the auto pilot switch was--

Antonia: Auto-Pilot!! (hits switch and plane falls)

Joe: NO! NO! Turn it on- Hit the switch- Turn it back on!

(Antonia hits switch again so the plane is going steadily, again)

Joe: Don't touch that switch! Okay? That's very important.

Antonia: Roger, Joe.

Joe: All right... can you see a gray lever? It should be right under the auto pilot swi--

Antonia: Auto-Pilot!! (hits switch and plane begins to fall)

Joe: ARRRGH! Turn it back on!! ARG! Okay, my fault. I should not have mentioned the...

Airport worker: Auto pilot?!

Antonia: Auto-pilot! (hits switch and plane falls again)

Airport worker: She just hit the auto-pilot switch!

Joe: Yes, Ray, she did! Antonia, hit the switch again! Turn it back on!!

(Antonia hits switch so the plane goes steadily)

Joe: Okay, sweetheart. Okay, we are running out of time. I want you to listen very carefully to me. I want you to take the gray lever and move it slowly back. Can you do that?

Antonia: Yess.

Joe: All right... then, go ahead, sweetie, and do that!

Antonia: Uh-Oh!

Joe: What?! What happened?

Antonia: I forgot my peanuts. Be right back.

Joe: NO No!!! (angry) She forgot her peanuts.

Airport worker: God, I hate it when that happens.

Joe: Are you joking?!? There are 400 people about to die and you're telling jokes?

Airport worker: I'm sorry.

Joe: How are they doin'?

Airport worker: Well, the good news is that they're flying low. Bad news is that it's about 8 feet off the ground.

Antonia: I got my peanuts.

Joe: Okay, sweetie, okay. New plan. All right, Antonia. This is what I want you to do, okay? I want you to go back to the pasture cabin and get anyone else to fly this plane. Okay? Anyone! A child, it doesn't matter!

Airport worker: (tries to get Joe's attention) JOE!!

Joe: Can you do that?

Antonia: Righto, Joe!

Airport worker: You better tell her to hurry up man 'cause she's comin' right at us.

Joe: I'm in the zone, man.

Airport worker: I'm about to zone 'cause she's comin' right at us!

Joe: What!?

Antonia: I can see you!

(People in airport evacuate, except Joe)

Joe: AAAAAAHHHHH!

(Plane crashes into airport, causing a big fire)

(NEWSPAPER REPORT READS:
HERO PASSENGER WALKS AWAY FROM FIERY CRASH.
ONE FATALITY.
CARRIES ALL OTHER PASSENGERS TO SAFETY.)

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