[MADtv] Angela: Sexually Active 8th Graders (#1103)

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Angela- Stephnie Weir
Alex- Frank Caliendo
Pete- Jordan Peele
Gabrielle- Daniele Gaither
Bobby Lee
Crista Flanagan
Nicole Parker
Arden Myrin


(Setting: In front of a school, Angela sets up a home video camera so she is looking into it)

Angela: Okay. In 3, 2, 1. Hi. I’m Angela Wright, an 8th grader at Boyd Junior High School, and according to this national landmark survey, (holds up survey)

...an alarming 33% of all 8th graders are sexually active. I am shocked and stunned. I had no idea that so many of my peers were getting busy, and you know, quite frankly, I’m a little bit hurt because I’ve been left out and I do consider myself somewhat of a smokin’ hottie. And even though I would never go all the way, you know, I wouldn’t be opposed to some good lovin’. Um, anyways, so today I am conducting my own survey and I am on a mission to find that 33%, and what better place to do it than the Ector County Solo and Ensemble Band and Orchestra Competition.

(Angela moves out of the way to see a group of people playing instruments)
(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now interviewing Nicole and Arden)


Angela: (holding up papers) Okay, according to this study, one of us has engaged in sexual activity and I know it’s not me, so which one of you two is the slut?

Arden: I wish!

Nicole: It’s not me, obviously.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now interviewing Alex)

Angela: Alex, have you ever had sexual intercourse?

Alex: (thinking) …I don’t think so.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now interviewing Gabrielle and Pete)

Angela: Now this is Pete and Gabrielle, and they’ve been together longer than anybody else in the 8th grade. How long have you two been together?

Pete: Umm, two years. Two years.

Angela: Okay, and in that two years, how many times would you say you’ve had sex?


Gabrielle: WHAT?! Oh my god! Shut up! (puts hands over ears) Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Pete: Eww! Eww! No! I wouldn’t have sex with her if she was as hot as Beyonce.

Angela: Stop it you guys!

(Gabrielle begins to hit Pete)

Angela: STOP!

(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now standing alone)

Angela: I’m having trouble finding this 33%! (waves paper around) Anywhere…

(Bobby walks by)

Angela: Excuse me! Have you had sex?!

(Bobby turns around)

Angela: Never mind!


(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now interviewing Crista)

Angela: (reading from paper) 18% of all 15 year olds will have a baby before they are 20.

Crista: Oh, I already remember this from the achievement test. It’s 30! It’s 30.


Angela: 30… what?

Crista: Miles an hour. That’s how fast a car is going when a baby’s conceived.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela is now interviewing Alex)

Angela: (looking at paper) Have you ever had phone sex?

Alex: Yes. Yes. Yes I have.

Angela: You have!? With who!?

Alex: Just me and the phone.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela interviewing Pete and Gabrielle)

Angela: Do you feel pressured to have sex?

Gabrielle: No!

Pete: (picks up cricket) She feels pressured to have to eat a cricket. (tries to shove cricket in Gabrielle’s mouth)


Angela: STOP IT!

(Camera cuts away) (Angela now interviewing Nicole and Arden)

Angela: Can your tuba tell me if you’ve ever had a booty call, please?

Nicole: Um, one time I got an obscene phone call at home, and we had caller ID so I called ‘em back.


(Angela gasps)

Nicole: I can’t call ‘em anymore though, he’s—he’s on death row.

Angela: Oh, and he was allowed to use a tele—

Nicole: He’s innocent!

(Camera cuts away) (Angela now interviewing Crista)

Angela: (reading paper) One in ten teens test positive for an STD. That’s a sexually transmitted disease!

Crista: Okay.

Angela: I have asked 9 other people, including myself, and none of us have it.

(Crista begins to cry)


Angela: I’m not saying you absolutely have it, but statistically speaking, you probably do.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela now with Bobby)

Angela: Okay, statistically, 21% of 9th graders report having had 4 or more sexual partners. (to Bobby) So planning ahead to next year, out of the five of us, which four would you pick?

(Camera zooms out to see Angela, Nicole, Crista, Arden, and Gabrielle) (Camera cuts away for a second)

Angela: Okay, if it makes it easier, just niche the one you don’t like.

(Camera cuts away) (Angela now alone, crying)


Angela: Why do I always do that? Why do I always put myself on the line for a guy, and just get burned? Okay, the final verdict on this, (holds up survey) this report is stupid republican propaganda. 8th graders are not having sex. There is no 33%! Okay, this is Angela Wright, over and out. Peace out dogs.

(Angela moves out of the camera’s view, as a couple is making out in the background)

[Knickers]

(Angela moves out of the camera’s view, as a couple is mak

AS COUPLE IS MAK? WTF!?? CHANGE THIS ASAP.