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Old 10/22/2002, 11:59 AM
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HiVolt Male HiVolt is offline
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Default Antonia - Anti Suicide Hotline (#315)

Well I was bored at work today, so here goes my first sketch transcript...

Antonia - Anti Suicide Hotline

Season 3, episode #315


Antonia - Nicole Sullivan
Hotline Worker - Phil Lamarr
Training Suicide Caller (TSC) - Phil Lamarr
Real Suicide Caller (RSC) - Will Sasso


Sketch Begins...

Antonia is sitting behind a desk with a telephone... Telephone

Antonia answers the phone

Antonia: Yess?

TSC: Is this the Anti Suicide Hotline?

Antonia: Yess?

TSC: I don't know what to do, I don't have any friends. I'm

Antonia: Okeee...

TSC: I have a bottle of vodka, and a bunch of barbituates, I'm just gonna take them!

Antonia: Okeee...

Hotline worker puts down his phone...

Hotline Worker: Okaaaay... Antonia, let me ask you this... If
that had been a real call, what do you think would have

Antonia: I don't know.

Hotline Worker: Well, frankly it would have been very very bad.

Antonia: Oh, that's sad.

Hotline Worker: Yes, it is... See, what you have to remember is that here at the Anti Suicide Hotline, we just say "No". We try to stop people from comitting suicide.

Antonia: Ohhh?

Hotline Worker: Lets try another practice call.

Hotline Worker picks up the phone and dials, Antonia's phone
rings, she picks it up...

Antonia: Anti Suicide Hotline?

TSC: I've got a gun to my head, give me one good reason why I shouldn't pull the trigger?

Antonia: Nooo...

Hotline Worker puts down his phone again, seems quite stumped
and disappointed.

Hotline Worker: That was better... Umm, but... when I said that we here at the Anti Suicide Hotline say "No", I didn't mean that we just say "No", i mean... you have to talk to them...

Antonia looks puzzled...

Hotline Worker: Why don't we try it again?

Antonia: Yess please.

Hotline Worker picks up his phone again, dials, Antonia's phone
rings and she picks up...

Antonia: Anti Suicide Hotline?

TSC: I'm on a bridge...

Antonia slams the phone down, cutting off the caller...

Hotline Worker looks at Antonia, then puts his phone down...

Hotline Worker: You hung up!

Antonia: He was on a bridge!

Hotline Worker: What difference does that make?

Antonia: You know...

Hotline Worker: Lets go again... And you cant hang up!

Hotline Worker dials, Antonia picks up...

Antonia: Anti Suicide Hotline?

TSC: I'm gonna kill myself...

Antonia turns, looks at the Hotline Worker...

Hotline Worker: (whispering) Say something...

TSC makes crying noises

Antonia: I have a cat named CeCe.


Antonia gets up, grabs a cofee mug from the desk, swings away at the Hotline Worker's head, he grabs her hand inches away from his forehead...

Hotline Worker: Whoa, whoa, whoa... What are you doing?

Antonia: Stopping you...

Hotliner Worker: Alright... First of all, I'm not the one really
comitting suicide, and second of all, even if I was, you
wouldn't be in the room with me... You have to talk to them, on
the phone...

Antonia points her phone towards her face...

Antonia: Helloooo???

Hotline Worker: Hang up the phone...

Hotline Worker: Look, Antonia, I think you just need to
understand, that there are a lot of desperate people out there,
and they need someone to talk to... You know, a voice in the
darkness... Can you be that voice?

Antonia: It es possible...

Phone rings...

Hotline Worker: Alright, this is for real, I'm gonna be
monitoring the call, but I think you can do it, so just really
really try...

Antonia picks up.

Antonia: Anti Suicide Hotline?

RSC: My wife just left me a couple hours ago, and I've been
drinking, and I think I might kill myself...

Antonia: Where do you live?

Hotline Worker gives Antonia thumbs up.

RSC: Why?

Antonia: You know...

RSC: Oh, I live at 5544 Nelson Drive

Antonia: Just one minute...

Antonia gets up, grabs the coffee mug again, raises her hand way up high, and walks towards the door, phone still in her hand...

Hotline Worker: Where are you going???

Antonia: 5544 Nelson Drive...

Hotline Worker to the Real Suicide Caller still on the line

Hotline Worker: Listen to me very carefully... Get out of your
house NOW!

Fade out...
Sketch Ends...

(C) HiVolt

Download sketch here


Last edited by newt007; 12/22/2004 at 8:15 PM.
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Old 10/24/2002, 5:43 AM
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Kai Kai is offline
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Good work.

Someone left the cake out in the [COLOR=sky blue]rain[/COLOR]...
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Old 01/07/2003, 5:01 AM
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Cat_Named_CeCe Male Cat_Named_CeCe is offline
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I know that this thread is a few months old, but I thought I'd respond anyways. Thanks for the transcript - this is one of my favorites if not my favorite Antonia sketch!

Matt (the OTHER one)

"If you want to be a better actor - a better lawyer, doctor, teacher - anything - be a better human being." ~ Debra Wilson
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Old 03/12/2003, 9:59 PM
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Bryansgirl Female Bryansgirl is offline
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Great job! I love Antonia, she's so funny and cute.

"Jesus loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so." <- You shouldn't believe everything you read. ~ Me

Chris - Hey mama! ; )
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Old 10/06/2003, 6:11 PM
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mista_mo Male mista_mo is offline
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Default lol, i've never seen that before

now i'm starting to wish i had


I'm back baby

In all my years I have never seen them do that!
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Old 12/20/2004, 7:36 AM
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PrettyRose101 Female PrettyRose101 is offline
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Posts: 45
This was the First Antonia that i ever watched and i totaly fell in love with her... Hehe

Tcha, you know what?
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Old 01/21/2005, 8:42 PM
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if i thought about commiting suicide i would want to call that hotline and hav antonia answer cuz she always makes me laugh
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Old 05/15/2005, 5:56 PM
Texas Male Texas is offline
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I love this one

good job!

Last edited by Texas; 08/02/2005 at 4:45 PM.
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