[MADtv] Schindler's Lost

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Cast:

Female Jew #1: Mary Scheer
Nazi Soldier #1: Unknown
Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Nicole Sullivan
Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Bryan Callen
Male Jew #1: Unknown
Nazi Soldier #2: David Herman
Nazi Soldier #3: Artie Lange
Female Jew #2: Unknown
Male Jew #2: Unknown
Female Jew #3: Unknown
Male Jew #3: Unknown
Female Jew #4: Unknown
Male Jew #4: Unknown
Female Jew #5: Unknown
Female Jew #6: Unknown
(Only people with lines are credited).

Legend:

(When something is in brackets and italicized, that means that it is a descriptive moment).

Notes:

Everyone is speaking in German accents. The transcript will not compensate for the accents.

Everything is in black and white.

Sketch:

(The Jews are being lined up for the trains to the concentration camps at Warsaw Station, Poland, now part of Nazi Germany. Script "September 1939" appears over screen,

and then the script comes up saying "The German forces defeated the Polish army in 2 weeks. Jews were ordered to register all family members and relocate to major cities"

Male Jew #1 registers, steps aside stage right, for the next person, Female Jew #1).

Female Jew #1: Sir, there must be some mistake. We are not suppose to be here.

We work for Oskar Schindler. We are Schindler Jews.

Nazi Soldier #1: Do you see Oskar Schindler here now? I don't.

The only person I see here now is me. And that is who you belong to, me, now move along! Schnell!

(Female Jew #1 moves stage right. Scene shifts to Oskar driving to Warsaw with his wife).

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: It was right after the exit!



Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: No, he said "air right after the exit".

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: It doesn't matter, I know were in the area.

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Maybe we should pull over and ask someone?

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: I don't need to ask anyone, I know exactly where I am.

(Scene shifts to the train station. Male Jew #1 is looking at his pocket watch for the time, which is 12:55PM).

Male Jew #1: Where the Hell is Schindler?



(The Jews are getting on the train. Scene shifts back to Oskar and Emilie stopping to ask some Nazi soldiers for directions).

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler (Off-Screen): Schindler, stop the car. Excuse me (on-screen), my husband here is very bad with directions, and we were looking for the train station.

Nazi Soldier #3: Oh well, you make a right at that tree up there, then you go straight for about 30 kilometres, and you'll see it on the left.

Nazi Soldier #2: Yeah, you can't miss it. It's a huge train station.

Nazi Soldier #3: Big.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler (Off-Screen): Yeah, yeah (On-Screen). Right at the tree, straight for 30 kilometres, on the left.

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler (Off-Screen): Don't you think you should be writing down

those directions?

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler (On-Screen): No, I have a perfect memory!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Oh you do do you? When is our anniversary?

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Shut up.

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler (Off-Screen): How bout my birthday?

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Shut up.

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Cinco De Mayo?

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler (On-Screen): Shut up!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Alright.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Shut up!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Alright.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Shut up!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Alright.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: I've had it from you (To the soldier)! Thank you.

(Map then comes up, showing where Oskar and Emilie have been driving, looking for Warsaw).



Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler (Off-Screen): This cannot be right. We are so lost.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: No, no, no, this is it, I feel it (on-screen), this has to be it.

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler (Pointing): Look, there's a sign right there.

(Sign says Minsk 22km).



Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler (Off-Screen): Minsk 12 kilometres.

(On-Screen).

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler, Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Oh no!

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: We are in Russia!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: He said that if we hit Russia we've gone too far. I think we should turn around.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Well no kidding!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: I think that I should drive as well. You can't navigate. I cannot read your writing, here.

(Hands him directions).

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: What the-. These are not the directions. This is my list of Jews!



(Scene shifts back to the train station).

Male Jew #1: What's taking him so long?



Female Jew #1: At this point, does it really matter where Schindler is?



Male Jews #1-4, Female Jews #1-6: Yes!



(Scene shifts to night time. Oskar has arrived at the train station, only to find that the trains left hours earlier, and that he is too late).



Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler (Off-Screen): Oh God (Camera from the dash board shows him pulling up to the station to see all the Jews belongings on the dock)!

No. No (On-screen. Oskar pounding on the wheel). No, no, no, no, no!

I failed (Off-Screen)! I did not save one of them!

(Oskar is crying).

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: I hate to say it but I told you so.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Witch!

It's all your doing!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: No, no. You are the one who passed the exit.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: No, you are the one...

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: Oh, no, no, no!

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Who told me to take a right...

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: You are the one, I distinctly remember distinctly, there was a fork in the road.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: What fork! I said to go right, you said to go left! If we had gone right we would have been there by now!

Caroline Goodall: Emilie Schindler: You circle.

Liam Nielson: Oskar Schindler: Oh, you talking! All the time in my ear like this! La, la, la la (Scene shifts to outside. Emilie is inaudible)! You're like the Devil! Like the Devil! I married the devil (Title appears next to the car)!

Your still talking! The devil is talking in my ear, all day!

(Sketch ends).

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Seeing this sketch again, I think it's good that it didn't air. It wasn't very funny, and is was really offensive. A little too offensive for MADtv. I mean all the Jews die because Oskar couldn't get there in time because he got lost.