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Old 06/28/2004, 1:53 PM
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Default Stuart: Next Door (#914)

STUART: NEXT DOOR (#914)
Sketch length: 7:56

Stuart Larkin.............................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Doreen Larkin...........................MO COLLINS
Harvey Muckenthaler...............PAUL VOGT

(note: closed captions read 'Machenthaler')

OPEN ON:

Mr. Muckenthaler, with a broken, cast-up leg, uses his crutches to aid him in sitting down on one of a pair of pool lounge chairs. He takes deep breaths. Through the bushes behind him, we can see someone skip by.

STUART (OS): La, la, la, la, la!

Stuart creeps through the bushes and hops into Mr. Muckenthaler's backyard. He hides off screen for a minute.

MUCKENTHALER: Great. Great.

Stuart jumps in front of the camera.

STUART: Look what I can do!

MUCKENTHALER: Stuart! Stuart?! Get over here right now, and I mean it. Come here.

STUART: Hi, Mr. Muckenthaler!



MUCKENTHALER: Stuart, what did I tell you about sneaking into my yard through the hedges there?

STUART: Don't do it or you'll kill me with your bare hands.

MUCKENTHALER: That's right. Now look, I don't want a visit from you today. I've had a very difficult day.

STUART (sitting down next to him): What was so difficult about it?

MUCKENTHALER: Well, for starters, I shattered my leg in thirteen places.

STUART: Was it this one?

Stuart taps his foot on Mr. Muckenthaler's knee cap.

MUCKENTHALER: Ow! Ow, yeah! Yeah!

STUART: How did you shatter your leg?

MUCKENTHALER: I slipped on the deck of the pool.

STUART: Were you drunk?

MUCKENTHALER: No.

STUART: My mama gets drunk, but it's a secret.

MUCKENTHALER: Stuart, it's not a secret. Now, look--

Stuart looks surprised.

MUCKENTHALER (cont'd): Is that surprising to you?

STUART: Was it this leg?

He taps his leg with his shoe again.

MUCKENTHALER: AH! Ow! Stuart, I am in a lot of pain. So, I am going to take a nap, and you're going to go in your own yard. Alright?

STUART (laying back): Your pool looks so cool and refreshing!

MUCKENTHALER: It is...go home.

STUART: We don't have a pool. When I wanna go swimming, my mama just fills up all the trash bins and tells me that's the best she can do.

DOREEN (OS): Stuart! Stuart! Stuart, where are you!

STUART (into Muckenthaler's ear): I'm in Mr. Muckenthaler's backyard!!!

DOREEN (OS): Are you bothering Mr. Muckenthaler!?!

STUART (yelling): No, no! I'm having a conversation with Mr. Muckenthaler!!!

MUCKENTHALER (imitating): Yes, he's bothering me!!!

Doreen climbs through the bushes, receiving an uproarious applause from the audience.

DOREEN: Well, there you are! I was worried sick! One minute I'm talking to you, and the next minute you're gone.

STUART: Nuh-uh, you passed out! Right between the Sparklett's bottle and the dog dish.



Doreen is about to say something, but the audience's laughter causes a long pause. Stuart smiles. Doreen looks past him towards Mr. Muckenthaler.

DOREEN (airy voice): Well, hello, Mr. Muck-en-tha-ler!

MUCKENTHALER: Hello, Doreen.

DOREEN: Ooh-ooh! First names! Good morning (airy voice), Ha-ar-vey!

She sits down in the vacated lounge chair.

DOREEN (cont'd): Oh, my goodness! What happened to your leg!

STUART: He shattered it in thirteen places...because he fell down. My mama falls down every night after a bottle of white zinfandel.

DOREEN: Stuart, that happened one time. One time.

MUCKENTHALER: Mrs. Larkin and Stuart, I'm not up for a visit today. Why don't you go back into your own yard?

DOREEN: Yeah, you know what Stuart? Why don't you go back home, Mr. Muckenthaler and I are going to have a little adult time!

STUART: How 'bout I just go to the edge of the pool and dangle my feet in the water while I pretend not to listen while you shame our family?

DOREEN (increasing volume): Stuart, you're giving Mr. Muckenthaler a headache, so march!

Stuart marches back home while growling.

MUCKENTHALER: Look, Mrs. Larkin. I know things have been tough since Mr. Larkin left--

DOREEN: Well, luckily we've got a big strong man like you living next door. A-h-h.

STUART (OS, yelling): Mama! Can I have a cookie!

DOREEN (yelling): No, you'll spoil your dinner!

STUART: What are we having?

DOREEN: Liver!

STUART: What?

DOREEN: Liver!

STUART: What?

DOREEN: Liver!

STUART: What?

DOREEN: Liver!

STUART: What?

DOREEN: Liver!

STUART: What?

MUCKENTHALER: You're having liver! Oh, for the love of God, you're having liver!

DOREEN: And onions! Liver and onions!

A long pause.

STUART (after pause): What?

DOREEN (right into Muckenthaler's ear): Liver and onions!

Doreen's open-mouth facial expression. Paul Vogt begins to break character and covers his face with his hand. A second later, he uncovers his hand. Muckenthaler looks down at Doreen's chest. She looks back at him, with an excited look on her face. Paul begins to laugh, and Mo breaks character for a second and is on the verge of laughing.

STUART (OS, yelling): I can't hear you!

DOREEN (yelling): Well, for god's sake, Stuart, come on over here so I don't have to keep yelling through the damn hood like an Italian!

Stuart jumps through the bushes, Speedo on, munching a cookie.

DOREEN: Stuart, I thought I told you 'no cookies'.

STUART: I couldn't hear you.

DOREEN: Well, you put that down right now!

STUART: I can't hear you.

He shoves the rest of the cookie into his mouth.

MUCKENTHALER: Stuart, what are you doing in your bathing suit?

STUART: I thought I should be prepared in case you invited me over for an impromptu swim.

Doreen begins to run her fingers along Muckenthaler's face.

MUCKENTHALER: Stuart, if I let you jump in the pool one time, will you promise to go back into your own yard, and take your mother with you?

STUART: Okay. I'll lure her back with the promise of Drambuie and Vicodin.

MUCKENTHALER: Okay, okay, fine. Go...go ahead.



STUART: Yay! See, mama, sometimes things work out!

MUCKENTHALER (moving hands to Muckenthaler): Oh, they certainly do!

She moves her leg over to him, accidentally knocking him in the leg.

MUCKENTHALER: Ow!

STUART (running to pool): Cannonball!

Stuart jumps off screen, and a moment later, water splashes all over Muckenthaler and Doreen.

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Last edited by MJB12; 08/15/2004 at 2:46 PM.
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  #2  
Old 07/31/2004, 1:51 PM
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good job! i liked this one. One of my favortie stuart sketches
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  #3  
Old 08/15/2004, 3:25 PM
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Pictures added.

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