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Old 09/16/2008, 2:23 PM
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Default Coach Hines: Saturday School (#1401)


Coach Hines: Keegan-Michael Key
Joseph Yaminashi: Bobby Lee
Darnell: Eric Price
Morales: Johnny Sanchez
Student #1: Matt Braunger
Caraco: Unknown (if anyone does know who this was please post his name in the comments)
(There are 4 other students around them, but they do not speak and are not included in this list).


(When something is in italic and in brackets that means it is a discriptive moment).

Whenever this sign is used, that means that the words that are being said are also being written down on a chalke board. It will end when another same smilie is followed.


(The kid's are in the classroom).

Student #1: School on a Saturday. This is so lame.

Joseph Yaminashi: I know. Tina Saunders is having a pool party with a keg.

Darnell: You guys, it's exciting to be here on a school day, it feels dangerous. Besides you guys, besides he wouldn't have called us in here if it wasn't for something serious.

(Coach Hines comes through the door. Students are talking incohearently).

Coach Hines: Shut it! Now I don't want to be here... Any more than you do! Last night, I get a phone call from the principal (puts his right foot on a nearby desk right in Darnel's view), and he tells me I got to come down here today, and explain to you guys the consicuences of sticking your dingles into a womans lady berries. Why, because 21, young (takes leg off desk) catholic high school girls from Our Lady of Incurruptable Harvest made a pact that they're all going to get pregnant by the time they graduate (Pushes down on the desk and propels his legs back and up in the air. Yaminashi puts up his hand)! What is it Yaminashi!?

Joseph Yaminashi: Can I get the phone numbers of those Catholic Ladyberries?

(Yaminashi laughs and then everyone starts laughing. Coach Hines then walks over to Yaminashi hurdling his left leg over Darnel).

Coach Hines: I'm not going to deal with you alright, I'm not going to do it, I'm just going to stick your neck between the slants of that chair over there and twist your head until it pops off like a little vegitarian Chinese dumpling (Coach Hines slowly propels his left leg over Yaminashi's head, and goes back to the front of the class)!

Joseph Yaminashi: Sorry Coach it's just girls that are pregnant, that's kind of hot.

Coach Hines: What is so sexy about high school wantin to have sex!?

Darnell (Puts up his hand): Ew, nothin! Nothin.

Coach Hines: Thank you Darnell. Thank you very much Darnell. (Put's his left leg back on the desk). Now do any of you guys here have any idea what it is to be a gentleman?

Darnell (Stands up): A gentleman is someone who saves his sex gift for a special other.

(Coach Hines goes over to Darnell and puts his arm around him).

Coach Hines: Darnell right here. He is what we use to call in my day a good catch, alright. You never see this guy chasing skirts around, ok. This guy... In fact I have never even seen him with a girl, ever, not once, not one time! In the entire time he's been to this school, not one time! This guy right here, unbelieveable hygene right here, impeckable, in fact this guys the first one in the shower and is absolutely always the last one to leave (Darnell sits down and Coach Hines goes back to the front of the room). Now as far, as far as the rest of you guys are concerned I am going to turn you into gentlemen if I have to cram the class raight up your brownie guns with my foot! Now Yaminashi, get up here were role playing, right now. Now I'm gonna be a guy and I want you to be one of these girls you know around the school or something ok (Coach Hines gets into character by flashing his hand over his face and saying something along the lines of sasoisin). Good afternoon young lady, would you care to take in a film with me this this evening?

Joseph Yaminashi: Sure, your kind of cute, can I give you a handy?

Coach Hines: Why certainly miss (Coach Hines extends his arm. Yaminashi grabs it with his right arm, and goes for Coach Hines's crotch area with his left arm. Coach Hines screams in shock). Wow! What the bajiepers are you doing Yaminashi!?

Joseph Yaminashi: You said to act like one of the girls I know.

Morales: I knew it. It's Jessica Valanie!

Joseph Yaminashi: Right!

(Yaminashi high fives Morales).

Coach Hines: Wow, wow, wow, wow, wait a minute, hold on.

Darnell (stands up): Coach, can I be the girl now?

Coach Hines: Wait, hold on one second. I can't believe this here. Back in my day, it took half a year, and a bottle of booze farm, just to get your arm around the girl. And if your forearm touched her neck, she was pregnant (does a karate style kick)!

Joseph Yaminashi: Times change bro.

Coach Hines: Did you just call me bro (Coach Hines leaves the room, and then out of nowhere comes stage back left from Yaminashi and perches himself on the back of Yaminashi's chair and hovers over him)? Yaminashi! Don't... you ever call me bro again! Ever! Ya hear me?

Joseph Yaminashi: Yes.

(Coach Hines leap frog's over Yaminashi and gets back to the front of the class. Yaminashi also fixes his hair).

Coach Hines: Now, do any of you guys have any idea what so ever, what could happen if you have unprotected sensual interplay? Huh? I'm going to show you right here. Alright, here's your man seed alright, there's a couple of these little guys. And they are going to be heading over here (stage right) in a skinny post pattern to the girl cone ok. Alright right there, there going to get in the girl cone, your going to have an egg, and then boink! Junior Sautucket comes out (mouth noise) 9 months later. Here he is, got a little ha- (draws in eyes, mouth,) He's got hair on his side, hair on his side, and strangely enough a moustashe. Then of course your mothers over here. She's desprite and lonely. She marries the guy over here. Mullet, alright? This guy who is selling corn cobs at the flea market, when he's not guzzling beer, or betting the local round heels, leaving junior alone at home... To befriend a pig named cleadus... Who... Became dinner when the money was... wha- give me a second (Points at himself). Don't you cry. I swear if you cry I will dress you up like a seal and jump in an orca tank. So I want all of you to think about that! The next time your planning to take your sports car to girl town, without an airbag!

(Caraco comes to the door)

Caraco: Jessica Vilanie's giving free handy's behind the dumpster near metal shop!

(Everybody leaves except for Darell who goes to the front of the class).

Coach Hines: Wow, wow, wait, where you going? Hey Rodeman wait, where you goin. Come back here ya dumb jack hammers! What are ya doin, where ya... Caraco, Caraco, Caraco, Caraco... Caraco. He's not coming back.

(Coach Hines closes the door with his foot. Sketch ends).


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Planet MADtv (August 28th 2002- August 28th 2009, August 28th 2010)

Last edited by tvmanismadformad; 09/18/2008 at 12:45 AM.
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Old 09/16/2008, 4:53 PM
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Watch the sketch here.

Check out my YouTube.
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Old 09/16/2008, 5:55 PM
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This is a very well done transcript, TVMAN! Thanks for posting! I posted "Viva La Cheata!" It was soooooooo funny!



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Old 09/16/2008, 7:18 PM
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Can you also transcibe the Triple H potter show transcript? Need that despertely!!!
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Old 09/17/2008, 12:34 PM
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You can request transcripts in the request section of the transcript forum. Also, be sure to search for a transcript, or look for it on one of the lists!



Michael, Mo + Nicole Parker FOREVER!!!!
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