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Old 01/03/2005, 7:55 PM
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Default Sean the Floor Leader: Supply Closet (#1007)

Sketch length - 6:12

Sean Gidcomb........................MICHAEL MCDONALD
Kayla......................................STEPHNIE WEIR
Beth.......................................NICOLE PARKER
Gotta-go-Guy.........................PAUL VOGT

KAYLA (at keyboard): Oh, shoot.

BETH: What's wrong?

KAYLA: I need to print out this report, but the printer's out of paper.

BETH: So get some more paper. What's the big deal?

KAYLA: The big deal is we have to get permission to get office supplies now.

BETH: What? Why?

Sean exits, and pauses for the audience's applause.

SEAN: Because this office relies on me to keep supplies out of the hands of sneaky snakes (wheels over to Beth). Got a problem with that?

BETH: Uh, yeah.

SEAN: Well, that is tougher than a steak cooked by a retarded French man. Because I have the only key to that supply closet, and you know what that makes me? In this office, it makes me your GOD!

He wheels back to his cubicle but bumps into the wall. He sets his chair back up and puts his glasses back on.

SEAN: Make you happy to see me fall off my chair like that? It bring joy to you jackals? Well, I got news for you - it didn't hurt at all.

He turns around and crashes into the wall again.

SEAN (in pain): That hurt. (enters cubicle)

BETH: Well, aren't you going to ask him for paper?

KAYLA: No, I'll...I'll email it to myself and print it out at home.

BETH: What? That's crazy! Look, I'll tell you how to handle Sean. You go up to him really nicely, and even though you hate his guts (Sean exits in the background) and he smells like peanut butter and loneliness, you...you give him a compliment...like-

SEAN: Like what good hearing I have?

BETH: Sean!

SEAN: Sneaky snake, party of one, you table is ready. Ah, ha, ha! You like that joke?

BETH: Uh, no.

SEAN: Uh, are you sure about that? Uh, uh! Uh, uh, cause I had to think about it, uh, uh, before I get my answer, uh, uh, let me retrieve that, uh, uh, uh, let me think about that, uh, uh, how do you feel about that, uh?

BETH: She needs some paper.

SEAN (slowly wheeling over to Kayla): Computer or toilet?

KAYLA: Uh, computer. (fearful shiver)

SEAN: I love the smell of fear.

He wheels to the cabinet but pushes himself back to Beth.

SEAN: And I see you! I see you and I hear you at all times because I am an omnitient being. D'you understand that, Beth the backstabbing beaver?

BETH: Uh, yeah.

SEAN: Uh, uh, you sure about that, uh, uh, uh? Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh! Let me get my neck...uh, uh, uh. For your information, Beth, the reason I smell like peanut butter is because that is all I can digest due to my overactive dwadnum. And the loneliness is by choice. (back to the closet) How many pieces of paper d'you need, Kayla?

KAYLA: Well, it's a two-page report (crosses fingers)

SEAN: I am going to give you...two and a half. Because it is almost Christmas.

KAYLA: Wow! This is nicer than the time you let me go home early because I was in labor.

BETH: Big deal, Kayla, we should not feel greatful for getting the tools we need to do our job.

SEAN: You listen to me, Norma Rae. You watch what you're saying or I'll make sure you're wiping your bare ass with your masculine hands.

He begins to wheel away but his chair chokes and he hits his head on the ground.

KAYLA: Oh, my gosh! Oh my gosh! He's unconcious! Sean, Sean? Sean, are you okay? (helping him up) Oh, be careful. You hit your head, are you okay?

SEAN (standing up, nice:) I dunno, I feel so strange all of a sudden.

GOTTA-GO-GUY (entering): Sean, I don't have time to explain: I need toilet paper right now.

SEAN: Well, what are you asking me for?

GOTTA-GO-GUY: Because you keep it locked up, you bastard!

SEAN: That's, that's crazy! That's like...releasing a Christmas movie in October with Ben Affleck.

(opens cabinet, pulls out roll of toilet paper and paper towels)

SEAN: Okay, do you need regular or 'I've eaten Mexican'?

GGG: I need it all! (takes it and hops out)

BETH: Sean, what's going on? You seem different.

KAYLA: No, no. No he doesn't...he's the Sean we know and love. The Sean we know is nice.

KAYLA: Oh! Right...Sean, uh, Kayla and I were thinking of taking a long lunch. What do you think of that?

SEAN: Oh, that sounds great. You go take yourselves a long lunch (she jumps when he puts his hand on her shoulder)-It's okay, it's okay-Take a long lunch, and when you come back, maybe you could open up a doggy bag full of fun. (giggles)

KAYLA: UH, okay? (waits)

SEAN: Great!


SEAN: Have a great lunch, we'll talk later.

They run out. Sean says 'bye' and turns around, bumping into the cabinet and falling to the floor again. He gets up.

SEAN (evil again): Where is everybody? SNEAKY SNAKES! (picks up phone) I have a mutiny on my hands.

Kayla comes back.

KAYLA: Forgot my keys.

SEAN: You take one more step towards that door and I will make sure your job is like the Pyramids...ancient history. Ah, ha, ha! You like that joke?

KAYLA: Yeah, heh, heh, heh. Oh, no, someone is stealing supplies!

SEAN: Where!??!

She angrily pushes him against the cabinet again, and nice Sean leaps up and waves goodbye. He opens the cabinet and other employees rush in and grab supplies.

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