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Old 12/16/2004, 3:34 PM
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Location: Rensselaer, NY
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Default Rusty: College Quiz Challenge (#408)

© Miss Information

Sketch Length: 6:30
Original Airdate: 11.14.98

Alex Borstein ... Lisa
Andrew Bowen ... Judge (voice only)
Pat Kilbane ... Walter Davis Osgood
Phil LaMarr ... Announcer (voice only) / Brian
Michael McDonald ... Glenn "Rusty" Unger Miller


Announcer: It's time for College Quiz Challenge.

Walter: Good evening. Welcome to the College Quiz Challenge. I'm Walter Davis Osgood, your host; and now, let's meet three honor students who will be vying for that thousand dollar prize. First is Brian.

(Brian walks onto the game show set as the show's theme music welcomes him and the audience applauds.)

Walter: Now, Brian, you're a sophomore at Northwestern. Is that right?

Brian: Yes, I am, Walter; and I'm majoring in Sports Medicine.

Walter: Very good. Next is Lisa.

(Lisa walks onto the game show set as the show's theme music welcomes him and the audience applauds.)

Walter: Lisa is a senior at Yale University.

Lisa: That's right, where I'm majoring in English.

Walter: That's fine, Lisa. I'm sure your parents are very proud of you. And now, we're going to bring out our champion who's rejoining us for the sixty-third consecutive week. Please welcome Rusty.

(Rusty runs onto the game show set, giggling, as the show's theme music welcomes him and the audience applauds.)

Rusty: Hi, my name is Rusty. I'm a freshman from Cal State Fullerton. Go Titans!

Walter: Okay, let's begin our game.

Rusty: Wait a minute, aren't you going to ask me something personal about me like you did with them?

Walter: Okay, Rusty, what's your major?

Rusty: I don't have a major! I'm a freshman, you dodo bird!

Walter: Okay.

Rusty: But I'm thinking of majoring in public speaking.

Walter: Well, that's fine. Let's begin our game, shall we? I'm going to ask you some questions, coming from a wide variety of topics. If you think you know the answers, buzz in. At the end of the game, the person with the most points is our champion.

Rusty: Ooh, it's like a beauty pageant. Sexy!

(Rusty pokes Lisa.)

Lisa: Just leave me alone.

Walter: Just settle down, please. Please. Buzz in if you can answer the following question: who was Hammurabai?

(Rusty buzzes in.)

Walter: Rusty?

Rusty: Hammurabai was a king in ancient Babylonia; not to be confused with ham on rye, which is a sandwich.

Walter: Very funny, Rusty.

Rusty: Thank you. I just made that up.

Walter: Your answer is correct, giving you one point.

Rusty; Yay for the good guys!

Walter: Next question: Where can cytoplasm be found?

(Lisa buzzes in.)

Walter: Lisa?

Lisa: In the uterus?

Walter: Oh, that is incorrect.

(Rusty buzzes in.)

Walter: Rusty, do you have an answer?

Rusty: First, a comment. The uterus? Gross!

Lisa: What is so gross about it?

Rusty: It's a uterus!

Walter: Okay, please, Rusty, did you buzz?

Rusty: Oh, yes. Cytoplasm can be found within the cells of plants and animals.

Walter: Okay, fine.

Rusty: Outside the nucleus, within the cell wal..

Walter: Okay, moving on...

Rusty: It's jelly-like.

Walter: Okay, fine! Rusty, that gives you two points. Brian, you have zero. Lisa, minus one.

(Rusty imitates a comedy trombone in Lisa's ear and begins poking Lisa.)

Walter: Rusty... stop it!

Lisa: Can you please not touch me?

Walter: Our next question: Who invented baseball?

(Brian buzzes in.)

Walter: Brian?

Brian: Abner Doubleday.

Walter: That is correct.

Rusty: Abner, that sounds like the name of a dork.

Walter: Rusty? Rusty, please? Please? Next, name the largest Portuguese-speaking country in the world.

(Lisa buzzes in.)

Walter: Lisa?

Lisa: Um, Walter, I believe that is Brazil.

Walter: Yes, that is correct.

Rusty: Congratulations, you're back to zero.

Walter: Our next question is worth double the points.

Rusty: Oh, I guess I better start paying attention, then, huh?

Walter: Where was the Battle of the Bulge fought?

(Brian buzzes in.)

Walter: Brian?

Brian: Um, Germany.

Walter: That is incorrect.

(Horn blows.)

Walter: Oh, and that marks the end of our first round; and as you have the fewest points, I'm afraid we're going...

Walter/Rusty: ...to have to say goodbye. Thanks for playing.

Rusty: See you later!

Brian: Go to hell.

(Brian leaves.)

Rusty: Go to Helms Bakery, you son of a biscuit.

Walter: The answer of course, to that question was...

Walter/Rusty: ...Belgium.

Rusty: Belgium, I knew that. Did you know that Belgium used to be called Flanders?

Walter: Okay, we're moving on.

Rusty: And there are two types of people there: the Flemish and the Walloons.

Walter: Shut your pie hole, or so help me God! Our next question is worth triple the points, so it's anybody's ball game. Lisa, we're all rooting for you.

Lisa: I'll do my best.

Rusty: Good luck.

Walter: Lisa, you say that you're an English major, is that right?

Lisa: That's right, I'm studying at Yale.

(Walter flips through some index cards, looking for a question about English.)

Walter: Okay, okay. The final question has been selected completely at random. Find the verb in this sentence: Please bring me a glass of water. Lisa?

(Lisa buzzes in.)

Lisa: Um, uh, the verb is bring.

Walter: That is correct, and we have a new champion! Congratulations!

(The show's theme music begins to play.)

Rusty: Excuse me. Excuse me, please. Turn off the music. The verb in that sentence is please. Bring is an implied infintive. Please to bring me a glass of water. It's an exception to the rule!

Lisa: He's right. It is.

Walter: Lisa, are you sure?

Lisa: I'm afraid so, yeah.

Walter: Can we go to the judges on this?

Judge: He's right.

Rusty: Yay for the good guys!

(Lisa walks away.)

Rusty: Where's me victory music?

(The show's theme music plays as Rusty begins to dance.)

Walter: Well, Rusty, I don't want to ask this, but I have to. What are you gonna do with the thousand dollars?

Rusty: Buy more Garfield posters! Yay, Garfield! The world's most cantankerous cat!

Walter: That's our show, everyone. Rusty, I guess I'll see you next week.

Rusty: You sure will! Maybe we can carpool. Hey, where's my music? I want a little travelin' dance. It pays to study!

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