[MADtv] Happy, Happy Banzai Brew

[newt007]

Chamomile- Debra Wilson (The Happy Happy Storytime character from #107 )
Old Lady- Nicole Sullivan
Old Man- Artie Lange


(Happy Happy Lady has a booth adversiting an energy drink for old people)

Chamomile: Why hello, health seekers. My name is Chamomile and I'm from the happy happy nutrition company. The company that makes Banzai Brew, the power drink for active seniors like you! Tell you what, how 'bout a nice hand for Banzai Brew! Yay! (Claps)

(The old people in the crowd rub their hands together for a lame applause)

Old Lady: What is Banzai Brew anyway?

Chamomile: Why it's the most wonderful all natural health product there is on earth. (begins distibuting cups of Banzai Brew) It contains vitamins A and D to keep your skin from getting dryed out and wrinkled. Oh, and Ginseng which makes you verile and frisky again. And, bee pollen which helps, you know, promote vitality, and hope.

Old Lady: Hot diggety dog.

Old Man: Wow!

(The old people all agree)

Chamomile: It also makes it possible for you to try things you've never tried before. Like, uh, um, handgliding, or bungee jumping.

(The old people begin to drink)

Chamomile: Ooh! What about white water rafting?

Old Man: I'll take a case of that stuff!

Old Lady: Oh yeah, me too!

(Other old people begin to offer money for the drink)

(Chamomile collects the money and begins crying)

Old Lady: Why you bawlin' like that, happy happy Banzai lady?

Chamomile: You don't get it, do you? This stuff is a lie!! It's a scam! (weeping) This just take away how little you get from your social security checks! You people are OOLLD!! You're just old. White water rafting?! THE ONLY WHITE WATER YOU'LL EVER SEE IS IN YOUR TOILET!!

Old Man: Now see here, Missy! I'll go white water rafting if I damn well please!

Old Lady: Yeah, I'm gonna buy a pitcher of this Banzai Brew and go backpackin' on the Appalation Trail with my granddaughter!

Chamomile: (crying) You know what's gonna happen? The first day you go backpackin', you are going to break your hip! And then they're gonna have to helicopter you out! And that's gonna cost thousands of dollars and medicare won't cover that! And then you're gonna have to go live with your children! And they're gonna get sick of taking care of you 'cause you're old!

Old Man: Well, look at Mr. Fit an Fiddle over there. (points to a poster of an athletic old man) He's in great shape!

Chamomile: Of Course he's in great shape. He's an actor. You know, the real Mr Fit and Fiddle is 25 years old and lives on a beach front in state, paid for (holds up money) by YOU! He's eating Filet Mignon. AND YOU'RE EATING MEOW MIX!! (starts to cry heavily) Woo! Hoo Hoo Hoo Hoo! (cheers up suddenly) Ha Ha Ha Ha. Woo! I'm sorry. Ooh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. The happy happy nutrition lady is just having a hard time trying to adjust to some new medication. You know how that is.

Old Lady: I know how that is!

Old Man: Yeah!

(Other seniors agree)

Chamomile: But I do have something else absolutely guaranteed to work or your money back! Hehehe. (grabs a bottle) Brand new Dr. Kevorkian's INSTANT SLUMBER PILLS.

Old Man: Hey! Will that stuff help me wrestle a bear?

(Chamomile Begins crying, then beings to distribte the pills)