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Old 12/27/2004, 4:48 AM
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Default Woody Allen: Woody Allen's Teen Sex Comedy "Annie, Hall Monitor" (#819)

Woody Allen's Teen Sex Comedy "Annie, Hall Monitor" , Episode 819

Woody Allen - Ron Pederson
Eminem - Josh Meyers
Soon-Yi Previn - Bobby Lee
Shannon Elizabeth - Christina Moore

(Open with Woody Allen standing alone)

Woody: You know (clears throat), as I get older my life seems to take on the absurd qualities of an under-rehearsed Dianesko (?) play. The critics said of my last picture Hollywood Ending that it reminded them of Titanic - the ship, not the movie. They say I'm out of touch with the kids which is, you know, ridiculous because I've touched plenty of kids. Anyway, my new movie is a teen sex comedy which is, you know, I think is terrific because, you know, I love kids and kids love sex. Believe me, I know.

Woody voice-over: (We are shown various black and white images of New York as Woody speaks) New York City. A town that exists in teenage-friendly black and white and pulsates to the rhythm of the street as composed by the always off-the-hook George Gershwin. This is Warren Kickaguy (?) High School, named for the well-known nineteenth century philosopher, it's located along the roughest, meanest stretch of Park Avenue.

(Cut to interior of school hall, Woody and Eminem enter, both clutching school books, and walk past the cheerleading squad)

Woody voice-over: I play Isaac Morgenstern, your average, paranoid high school kid.

Woody: I swear Max, the cheerleaders just spelt out Jew with the pompoms as we walked by. (clears throat)

(Eminem opens his locker and puts the books in)

Woody voice-over: Hip-hop artist Eminem plays my best friend Max Plath.

Eminem: Oy vey Isaac, you're the meshuggenah dog.

Woody: Yeah, yeah, I happen to believe that cheerleaders are a, you know, a metaphor for the decay of contemporary culture (clears throat).

Eminem: Yeah, and I happen to believe that ya'll just need to get laid.

Woody: Jeez.

Eminem: Check it out, here comes that new foreign exchange student. She could be desperate enough to sex you up.

(We see Soon-Yi enter the hallway and head for her locker as Woody says his voice over)

Woody voice-over: My current wife and former daughter Soon-Yi lights up the screen in her motion picture debut.

(Woody walks up to Soon-Yi)

Woody: (clears throat) Hey baby wanna play, uh, hide the eggroll?

Soon-Yi: (hitting Woody) You leave me alone, you too old for me. Dirty old man! (she hurries off screen)

Woody: (calling after Soon-Yi) So it's a date! (laughs)

Woody voice-over: (footage of Shannon Elizabeth walking down the school hall in slow motion) Fantastic teenage pin-up girl Shannon Elizabeth from the fabulous American Pie films plays Annie (cuts to Woody and Eminem watching her, Woody bites his book), the sexiest hall monitor in school.

(Cut to Woody, Shannon and Eminem walking down the school hallway, which is now filled with paintings, Eminem is holding an alcohol bottle)

Woody: So Annie, did you (clears throat), did you like my painting? It's a self portrait, I (clears throat), I call it 'randy little man watching junior high school girls get undressed for gym in winter' (clears throat).

Shannon: Well actually Isaac, initially I found it (Woody starts to prompt her with the longer words) amusing, a palpable attempt to titillate (laughs), straight out of the Georgia O'Keefe oeuvre.

Eminem: Yo man what's the hell's an oeuvre? (he drinks from the bottle)

Shannon: (to Eminem) I don't know. I have no idea what I just said.

Eminem: Yeah man, I got no clue why I'm here, this s**t is played out, I'm sick of you old man.

Woody: Hey, oh hey Olivier, listen (clears throat) I'm well aware that this scene is going nowhere so, you know, we're gonna have to pull out the big guns (whispers something to Shannon)

(Scene changes, Woody is now playing the clarinet and Shannon is dancing next to him)

Woody voice-over: In the end Eminem becomes a world-famous architect and moves to London (Eminem leaves the hall, stealing a painting on his way out). And me, I get stuck with the beautiful girl.

(Cut to hallway during school hours, Woody enters the hall while Shannon is talking to some guys)

Shannon: (walking over to Isaac) Oh Isaac, I love you so much, you're the hottest boy in the whole school.

Woody: Oh God, Annie, why, you remind me of Veronica Lake (clears throat).

Shannon: Where's that?

Woody: (laughs) (To camera) Dean's list. Shut up and kiss me.

(Woody throws Shannon up against the lockers)

Shannon: Oh Isaac.

(Woody starts to kiss Shannon, she squirms and looks uncomfortable)

Shannon: (To camera) Can we just cut?

(The title Annie, Hall Monitor appears on screen, we then cut to Woody standing alone again)

Woody: You know, not to get exsistential on you or anything but if you look into your soul you'll, you'll know you should go see Annie, Hall Monitor. It's clever huh? Annie Hall, Annie Hall Monitor (laughs nervously). I still got it, I'm clever, I'm on the pulse.

(Coming Soon to a Theater Near You appears on screen)

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